“Why do you have to go?” she rest’s her head on my shoulder… her hair hiding her face. Like a veil… it keeps her hidden from me. And the pain builds slowly… quietly, ready to erupt at any moment. Ready to take her from me even if it’s just for a few moments. “Why can’t you stay? Why won’t you fight?”

There it is again…that question that I don’t understand. Fight? Fight these voices? Fight death? How can I when there is no hope? How can I want to die a shell of myself that no one would recognize…not even her. How can they ask me that?

Are you a fighter Shane? I always thought you were… guess I was wrong. You know maybe they’ll understand everything if you told them…no more lies. There isn’t enough time for lies.

They ask because they don’t know Shane…they don’t understand. Maybe if you told them…maybe if you stopped lying they’ll get it. They’ll stop asking and let you live these last few days…alone?

“You can’t ask me to do that…” she pulls away, and the cool air hits like a hammer. Breath and everything will be ok… breath and the voices will subdue. Breath and she’ll smile…just breath.

What’s happening to you Shane? Do we to leave you? Do want the pain to stop…there is only one way out. You know that Shane.

“Why not Shane?” her hand is twitching…she’d going to slap me. “Don’t you want to live? Don’t you want to stay here with me like you’ve been saying?”

Will she stay? Will I? Can we do it all over like nothing ever happened? Do I get my second chance? I promise I’ll be good if I do.

You’re lying again… we all know just how good you can be. We know how many women you’ve been with, how many times you’ve fucked them all. We know what you do Shane…we know what you think. We know you.

“And live like that? With no memory of you…of them?” she looks confused…sad and I want to make it stop. I want it all to stop… these voices, her pain, and their pain. I want her to understand, “it won’t do anything. It might buy me some time… but I want time that I remember. I want to be with you, I want to live.”