“Are you sure that’s it?” Bette tap’s my shoulder a cold glass of water in her hand.

She whisper’s again as I smile up at Bette, trying to thank her for the little orange pills that hold no relief. But that’s my secret…hopefully they’ll think they’re helping me. Hopefully they’ll let me be…it’s my secret right?

I use to tell myself that when I would lie to them, cheat on them. That it was my secrets…don’t ask don’t tell. I use to be good at keeping secret’s… but I always had someone I could tell them to. Some one who would keep them for me…would she keep this secret? Would she take care of them for me?

“I’m sure,” watch me lie; watch this mask melt into my skin. Watch me disappear and fade away.

Watch me, because I might not be here tomorrow…watching the freak. The fuck up that has made so many mistakes in her life that all she wants to do is try to fix them…try to erase them. I swear it only cost a quarter…you’ll get your moneys worth. Watch me disappear right before your eyes. I swear you’ll never see it coming. Watch me, watch me.

We’re watching Shaney. We’re watching every single movement.

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The light fades to grey and then to black, they talk, laugh and even sing after a few drinks. They watch, there unblinking eyes never leaving me. My eyes close for a second too long and I can feel them tense up. I can feel them hold their breath…I thought doctor Morgan said he couldn’t tell them.

He lied…I never thought he would lie. I never really thought about him, or cared about him. I know I should, he saved my life. He gave me my second chance…would he do it again if I asked? Will he be there when it happens? Will I be alone?

We’ll be there with you Shane…doesn’t that comfort you?

I need to move, I need to leave. I need to walk, run scream hide. I need to do something…something to make the voices stop, to make the pain, the constant questioning go away. I need quiet…stop. Stop moving, stop breathing, stop thinking…let it happen and it’ll all go away. But they didn’t last time…they wouldn’t let them.