Do they measure it like water in litres and jugs? Do they measure it like people in pounds and height? I’m wasting so much time these days waiting for answers…waiting for everything to happen. For the final blow, the last breath and that darkness to come again.

“What?” they all look away, embarrassed to be caught staring. Like children hiding their faces when they’re in trouble. “I’m fine; it’s nothing to worry about. It’s just a head ache.”

Keep telling yourself that Shane. Maybe if you say it enough times it’ll come true…maybe if you wish hard enough it’ll disappear and Carmen will be with you again. Maybe…if you believe in fairy tales. Do you believe in fairy tales?

“Maybe you should eat something baby girl. “That might make you feel better,” Kit the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mother.

“Yeah, yeah I will.” the sight of food is nauseating….but I can’t let them see that, I can’t let them know.

I thought you said they were your family Shane. Or is that another one of your lies? I thought you were going to stop lying Shane? I thought you were over that…hell I thought you were over her too.

“So Shane when is your first appointment?” she walks over dripping water all over the seat. Her smiles fake, her eyes searching my face for some sort of answer.

“I uh don’t know I have to go down and see what they say.” look away Shane, look at that little scar above her eye. Just don’t look into her eyes…what was the colour of her eyes again. Not Alice’s, that I can tell you in a heart beat but I mean Carmen’s.

Shouldn’t I know that? If I really loved her wouldn’t I know that…wouldn’t I know everything I could about her? I wonder what she’s thinking about, she just keeps staring at me.

“What’s going on with you?” she whispers it, like a secret. She wants in on mine; maybe she’ll tell me hers if I tell her mine.

“Nothing…I’m just tired you know after everything that’s happened.”

What’s happened Shane? You keep thinking about it but you won’t say it. Are you scared? Are you excited? Are you ready?