You kissed her, Porter. You kissed her. She didn’t pull away… no, but you kissed her.

I felt like I shouldn’t care about all of this at all. Tina and I had nothing special going on. There was no reason for us to feel hurt if we saw the other with someone else. It occurred to me that I had been so blind. If Tina had really cared about me in the way I secretly wanted her to, that how could she cope seeing me with Billy all the time, knowing we fucked?

You’re an idiot, Porter. You’re such a fucking idiot!

The tears were rolling over my cheek. Why did she do this to me? Why? It was so unfair. I hadn’t opened up to anyone, absolutely no one, she was the first since Fiona and now she did this?

I thought we had it good. We used to meet each other accidentally and have a drink, talk a bit. Everybody who saw us thought I was just being nice, I was having my own friends. It was all fine. I told her stuff about me, she told me stuff about her. I had even dropped a word about Fiona, nothing much, but the fact I even mentioned her was actually a lot.
Sometimes, it scared me. I was afraid I would get hurt and I would avoid her. But she was so fucking irresistable… sometimes I saw her at a party and she was so freaking hot I just couldn’t hold myself and I had to kiss her, had to feel her.

I was just about to go to her and tell her that I really cared about her when I saw her with Shane. I just couldn’t believe it. Shane of all people! Shane, who never even had a freaking girlfriend just took my Tina away!

Whoa, stop there. She’s not your Tina. She’s just Tina.

It hit me in the face. She wasn’t just Tina anymore. My father was out of town, I had no idea where Kit hung out. I was alone, as always. I had met Billy earlier and of course had seen something was wrong, but I said it was something at home and he left me to myself, as I had asked him to.

I wanted to throw myself in his arms and hold him, but I couldn’t. It just didn’t feel right towards Tina. I hated myself for that, I was supposed to feel bad about Billy, I was supposed to be afraid I’d hurt his feelings. I wasn’t supposed to think how Tina would feel if she knew.

Fucking hell, Porter, she doesn’t even care.

Why had she done this? I hadn’t eaten all day and I was sure I wouldn’t sleep that night either. I just wanted to disappear, to run away, but I had nowhere to go. If I had known where Fiona was at that point, I would have ran to her.