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The Architecture of Falling… – (Chapter: The Silence and Maybe’s)
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Because I just can’t deal.
I’ve tried my best to be angry for what she did. Or rather, what she didn’t do. And sometimes I’m successful. Sometimes I am so absolutely infuriated with her, I can only imagine her image inflamed in fire-engine red and dripping with lies. Other times I can only see her in my bed, admitting to me what she feels she can admit to no one else and crying two years worth of tears into my skin.
Then there are the messages. She’s left several over the course of six months and they’re all equally terrible. Whether or not she does it on purpose, every time she calls and gives into her desperation with a message, I’m a wreck for days afterwards.
She’s only a few miles away.
It’s been six months.
Maybe everything is different.
Maybe she’s different.
I was tired of waiting. I was finally just too tired to let the silence continue. So I showed up on her doorstep without a speech in my head or the validation necessary to be there and I rang the bell. I couldn’t let another agonizing moment go by without seeing her face. It was physically impossible for me to last another moment. It felt that way at least. I just needed her to meet my eyes again.
I needed Ashley to invite me in again.
When she approached the door and I could see her face distorted and segmented through the glass, I almost cried on the spot. Simply from having her exist in my world again. And when she opened it and released a long sigh that seemed to creep up all the way from the heels of her hesitant feet, I did cry.
“Spencer…”
“I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” she said, avoiding my eyes.
“For being here right now, for not telling you about Megan, for letting you in and then shutting you out, for not telling you from the very beginning how I feel about you…I’m sorry about everything.”
She remained silent for a moment before grabbing one of my trembling, inadequate hands and dragging my inside and out of the summer heat.
“I don’t understand why you think you’re allowed to be here. Did I ever give you that impression?” she asks once we’re both in the foyer.
“I don’t know…I mean, no, you didn’t. But you don’t get it, Ashley. I had to see you. I had to see you just to confirm that I’m not crazy. That I didn’t make you up or something. Because I…”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“Ashley…”
“I don’t.”
“I love you.”
“Stop it.”
“You have no idea how much I love you.”
“Fuck you.”
But at least she was looking at me now. Her eyes were directly pointed at my wet ones.
“Can I hug you?”
“You can leave.”
“You’re the one that invited me in, Ashley.”
“I don’t know why I did that.”
“Because you still love me.”
“Obviously not.”
“Did you get my message?”
“You mean messages.”
“So you listened to them.”
She shook her head, her hands suddenly gripping the doorframe behind her.
“Ashley, I want to be with you.”
“Oh really? Fuck you.”
“Will you at least talk to me? Please just talk to me for a second.”
“We’re talking now.”
Now I shook my own head, wanting to touch her so badly that I felt betrayed by my own fingers. But there she was, skin made to be touched and eyes glaring at me, “How can I make this better?”
How could I make this go away?
So she wanted to make this better all of a sudden. As if she could. As if she had spent every night hearing the voice of a stranger answer the phone of the girl you had been ready to risk it all for. Spencer was still the expectant, entitled person she was six months ago. Only now she had finally had a taste of the rejection she had spoon-fed me since day one.
And she wanted to make this better? I laughed before I could stop myself, and laughed even more when I realized I had no reason to stop myself. I owed her nothing. However, I could think of something to make this better after all.
After all.
“You really want to make this better, Spencer? That’s what you want?”
“More than anything.”
“Good,” I said, moving in for the lethal kiss, "come here."
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That last Ashley perspective scares me a little.. Is revenge a dish thats best served cold? Is that what Ashley’s thinkin here?? Is she going to unleash some sort of pay-back here, so Spencer leaves her alone for good?? Spencer is slowly self-destructing and I have a feeling that whatever is gonna happen next with Ashley may push her over the edge for good…OR is Ashley ready to give Spencer another chance?? Guess we’ll have too wait and see…Anxiously awaiting the outcome and the next chapter…thanks for posting!!
OH MY GOD! How could you stop like that?! This is so heart wrenching. I feel like I’m watching both of them, and they’re both in so much pain. Yea I was mad at Spencer, but you can’t stay mad at her for long. I hope Ashley just listens to her, I hope they both sit down and have a nice long talk, releasing everything. And, I hope this isn’t just some sort of pay back on Ashley’s part, because that would majorly suck. Please please, PMRN. This story is so good, I love reading it. PMASAP!!!!!!
Well, that last part scared the shit out of me. I don’t like it. I think Ash is going to try to get back at her for hurting her but instead of making her feel better it might actually destroy them both. Please don’t let that happen. Please. This is an awesome story. This last update was truly heart-wrenching. Please fix it and PMS!!!
i really hope ash isn’t doing this just to push spence away because spence can’t take that she’s already drinking herself into an early grave and this might set her off pms
i;m so cared right…you have no idea. PMS…I think…
yah uh .. im kinda scared. loL! wicked awesome update!! PMASAP!
i really hope that ashley isnt going to go down the revenge road, because we all know that at first taste it’s sweet, but in the end it always bitter… plus spencer is pretty pathetic right now… any sort of payback would just be wrong… hopefully ash is better than that… guess we’ll see…. thanks for the post, can’t wait for the next one!!! oh yeah, and i know i say this waaaaaaaaaay too much, but you write beautifully!
That last Ashley perspective scares me a little.. Is revenge a dish thats best served cold? Is that what Ashley’s thinkin here?? Is she going to unleash some sort of pay-back here, so Spencer leaves her alone for good?? Spencer is slowly self-destructing and I have a feeling that whatever is gonna happen next with Ashley may push her over the edge for good…OR is Ashley ready to give Spencer another chance?? Guess we’ll have too wait and see…Anxiously awaiting the outcome and the next chapter…thanks for posting!!
OH MY GOD! How could you stop like that?! This is so heart wrenching. I feel like I’m watching both of them, and they’re both in so much pain. Yea I was mad at Spencer, but you can’t stay mad at her for long. I hope Ashley just listens to her, I hope they both sit down and have a nice long talk, releasing everything. And, I hope this isn’t just some sort of pay back on Ashley’s part, because that would majorly suck. Please please, PMRN. This story is so good, I love reading it. PMASAP!!!!!!
Well, that last part scared the shit out of me. I don’t like it. I think Ash is going to try to get back at her for hurting her but instead of making her feel better it might actually destroy them both. Please don’t let that happen. Please. This is an awesome story. This last update was truly heart-wrenching. Please fix it and PMS!!!
i really hope ash isn’t doing this just to push spence away because spence can’t take that she’s already drinking herself into an early grave and this might set her off pms
i;m so cared right…you have no idea. PMS…I think…
yah uh .. im kinda scared. loL! wicked awesome update!! PMASAP!
i really hope that ashley isnt going to go down the revenge road, because we all know that at first taste it’s sweet, but in the end it always bitter… plus spencer is pretty pathetic right now… any sort of payback would just be wrong… hopefully ash is better than that… guess we’ll see…. thanks for the post, can’t wait for the next one!!! oh yeah, and i know i say this waaaaaaaaaay too much, but you write beautifully!
i’m afraid of that “lethal kiss” comment but really glad you are back. It seems like Ashlay wants to make spence hurt more but I don’t think Spencer can take it and that concerns me. pms!!!
i’m afraid of that “lethal kiss” comment but really glad you are back. It seems like Ashlay wants to make spence hurt more but I don’t think Spencer can take it and that concerns me. pms!!!