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The Architecture of Falling… – (Chapter: The Silence and Maybe’s)
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I drink during the day now.
Tiny glass bottles line the bottom of my bed like a makeshift medicine cabinet. Little droplets of unreachable amber-colored liquid give way to admissions I’d rather keep to myself. They show that I’m all forms of desperate. They know I would fold their glass bottles inside out and lick the remainder of their medicine if I could. But I can’t.
Six months and I haven’t heard from her.
No phone calls.
No e-mails.
Just deafening, meaningful silence on her end. She used it well, saying all that she wanted while saying nothing at all and her message was loud and clear.
Our relationship which had barely made it off the ground had stopped its flight mid-air when she called me last. It nosedived when she heard Megan’s voice. It became non-existent when I was forced out of hiding by the truth.
Six months.
I nearly slept through the rest of my senior year and practically crawled across the stage at my graduation. As soon as all the pomp and the circumstances were over and the speeches were made, I dialed her number. I made the call from the front seat of my car and prayed for the unexpected. But I knew she wouldn’t answer. Still sometimes it felt good just to hold my ear to her voice via the answering machine she hadn’t changed in half a year and breathe. I never really left messages, trying my shaky hand at the silence she had mastered so well. Attempting to say “I’m ready.” Even my silence was a lie.
Because the truth was, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t understand how I was supposed to return to her as this well-adjusted and changed person when everyday without her rendered me just the opposite of those things. I was stuck between the rock I had turned her into and the hard place that my heart had become.
I enrolled for summer semester just to give myself something to do. I needed a worthy distraction that wasn’t another version of Megan. I sat at my new desk in my new room at USC, just a few miles away from her waiting for my new roommate to show. Waiting for her not to show, I guess. I wanted to be alone. I needed my space to cry and scream and kick at imaginary versions of my heartache and curse her and then apologize, finally collapsing somewhere for a necessary swig of liquid therapy. I needed my space to scrawl her name is alcohol infused letters across the expanse of both hands and to dial her number and miss her. More than anything I needed space to miss her.
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That last Ashley perspective scares me a little.. Is revenge a dish thats best served cold? Is that what Ashley’s thinkin here?? Is she going to unleash some sort of pay-back here, so Spencer leaves her alone for good?? Spencer is slowly self-destructing and I have a feeling that whatever is gonna happen next with Ashley may push her over the edge for good…OR is Ashley ready to give Spencer another chance?? Guess we’ll have too wait and see…Anxiously awaiting the outcome and the next chapter…thanks for posting!!
OH MY GOD! How could you stop like that?! This is so heart wrenching. I feel like I’m watching both of them, and they’re both in so much pain. Yea I was mad at Spencer, but you can’t stay mad at her for long. I hope Ashley just listens to her, I hope they both sit down and have a nice long talk, releasing everything. And, I hope this isn’t just some sort of pay back on Ashley’s part, because that would majorly suck. Please please, PMRN. This story is so good, I love reading it. PMASAP!!!!!!
Well, that last part scared the shit out of me. I don’t like it. I think Ash is going to try to get back at her for hurting her but instead of making her feel better it might actually destroy them both. Please don’t let that happen. Please. This is an awesome story. This last update was truly heart-wrenching. Please fix it and PMS!!!
i really hope ash isn’t doing this just to push spence away because spence can’t take that she’s already drinking herself into an early grave and this might set her off pms
i;m so cared right…you have no idea. PMS…I think…
yah uh .. im kinda scared. loL! wicked awesome update!! PMASAP!
i really hope that ashley isnt going to go down the revenge road, because we all know that at first taste it’s sweet, but in the end it always bitter… plus spencer is pretty pathetic right now… any sort of payback would just be wrong… hopefully ash is better than that… guess we’ll see…. thanks for the post, can’t wait for the next one!!! oh yeah, and i know i say this waaaaaaaaaay too much, but you write beautifully!
That last Ashley perspective scares me a little.. Is revenge a dish thats best served cold? Is that what Ashley’s thinkin here?? Is she going to unleash some sort of pay-back here, so Spencer leaves her alone for good?? Spencer is slowly self-destructing and I have a feeling that whatever is gonna happen next with Ashley may push her over the edge for good…OR is Ashley ready to give Spencer another chance?? Guess we’ll have too wait and see…Anxiously awaiting the outcome and the next chapter…thanks for posting!!
OH MY GOD! How could you stop like that?! This is so heart wrenching. I feel like I’m watching both of them, and they’re both in so much pain. Yea I was mad at Spencer, but you can’t stay mad at her for long. I hope Ashley just listens to her, I hope they both sit down and have a nice long talk, releasing everything. And, I hope this isn’t just some sort of pay back on Ashley’s part, because that would majorly suck. Please please, PMRN. This story is so good, I love reading it. PMASAP!!!!!!
Well, that last part scared the shit out of me. I don’t like it. I think Ash is going to try to get back at her for hurting her but instead of making her feel better it might actually destroy them both. Please don’t let that happen. Please. This is an awesome story. This last update was truly heart-wrenching. Please fix it and PMS!!!
i really hope ash isn’t doing this just to push spence away because spence can’t take that she’s already drinking herself into an early grave and this might set her off pms
i;m so cared right…you have no idea. PMS…I think…
yah uh .. im kinda scared. loL! wicked awesome update!! PMASAP!
i really hope that ashley isnt going to go down the revenge road, because we all know that at first taste it’s sweet, but in the end it always bitter… plus spencer is pretty pathetic right now… any sort of payback would just be wrong… hopefully ash is better than that… guess we’ll see…. thanks for the post, can’t wait for the next one!!! oh yeah, and i know i say this waaaaaaaaaay too much, but you write beautifully!
i’m afraid of that “lethal kiss” comment but really glad you are back. It seems like Ashlay wants to make spence hurt more but I don’t think Spencer can take it and that concerns me. pms!!!
i’m afraid of that “lethal kiss” comment but really glad you are back. It seems like Ashlay wants to make spence hurt more but I don’t think Spencer can take it and that concerns me. pms!!!