I glance at my dad still holding me, tears forming in his bloodshot eyes as he stares ahead. He turns to me and smiles weakly, reassuring me that everything will be okay. Though I’ve believed everything my dad has told me before, that smile wasn’t too convincing, but I held on to it. Clay had to be okay. He had to.

My dad rubs my back softly before he gets up and walks slowly to the vending machines. He wasn’t thirsty or hungry he just has to get up and cry, thinking he can’t around Glen and me…wanting to be strong.

After the very long 10 minute nap I took, I’m wide awake. Glen still has a hold on my hand and after 5 minutes of him crying into it, he falls asleep. I slowly let loose so I don’t wake him and locate the bathroom from where I’m sitting. I get up little by little stretching out every aching muscle in my body.

As much as I try to shake it Ashley and the words I yelled to her keep popping in and out of my head. I pull the handle to the restroom and look into the mirror in front of me. I look sick and like a typical doctor. My mom gave me scrubs to change into last night as we were waiting for news on Clay. I reach for the faucet handle and I’m lost in thought by the sight of my brother’s limp body on the floor, in my mind, I shut my eyes, trying to lose the picture, hanging onto the handle, keeping my stability. I slowly inhale exhale and the image of Clay’s body is replaced by Ashley’s eyes looking at me.

‘No…leave me alone!’ I screamed at Ashley, pulling away from her trying to console me. I run to Clay’s side, kneeling by him, struggling to wake him up, shaking him and sobbing non stop.

‘No Clay…you can’t do this! Don’t leave…don’t leave! Stay with us…C’mon Clay…’ I grabbed his hand, ‘Clay…’ I cried into his hand.

Glen was trying to revive him, but discontinued when the EMC showed up. He scooted next to me, hugging me tight. He let go when they began to fasten Clay to the stretcher leaving me bawling in my hands.

Ashley leaned into me, attempting to hold me again. I pushed her and stood up staring at her furiously.

‘Stay…out of my life! I want nothing to do with you Ashley…nothing!’ I began to walk back to Clay.

‘No Spencer …please!’ I turn around.

‘I risk everything for you…and for what? For what, Ashley?’

My eyes flutter open and I finally turn the faucet on and spatter water across my face, slow and then fast, wishing all that I was going through was just a really bad dream and things could go back to before prom and after Aiden and Ashley. I take a few paper towels in my hand and place them directly over my face and I cry.

Why is this happening? Why Clay? Why not me? I continue sobbing in the napkins. Why is it that the one person I need to talk to, I can’t. I have so many unanswered questions that it’s driving crazy and I don’t know how long I can take it. I finally remove the napkin and toss it in the trash near the door. I take one more look at the fatigued blonde in the mirror and pull the handle to expose the waiting room of the hospital.