It’s been almost a week now… Margo is calling like crazy and I ignored it until I have finally taken the battery off my cell. I didn’t care about my job, let her fire me…

All I could do was hold her hand through the shaking and the screaming but the hardest thing was to watch the tears drop from her closed eyes, to know she is in pain and I could do nothing about it.

She would go from a state of total catatonia to hysteria attacks. I never left her side Robert had to force me to take a shower and I only agreed after he promised to watch her, needless to say it was the shortest shower ever..

She was reliving her memories. every painful twisted one and I was helpless I couldn’t do a single thing about it. I got so angry two days ago and started to trash the room; throwing my chair on the wall wiping the desk from everything on it. Luckily Rob was there to calm me, to dry my tears and I know now I made the right choose coming to him, I couldn’t have done this alone…

"Should we take her to the hospital?" he asked after the first two days. "NO!" I said a bit too loudly then intended. "No… there’s nothing they can do that we can’t and I promised her I won’t…" I explained and that was enough for him. He understood me better then anyone.

She rarely spoke anything comprehendible. The words we could understand were her apologies and her begging it to stop. We know what "it" meant and I shivered every time she said it. 

We didn’t want to give her too much of the sedative so we tried different things; herbal tea, ointment. What works the most is when I’m lying with her, holding her, talking close to her ear, which is a hard thing to do with her trashing around. It was getting harder and harder to get her to drink or chew, before I told her what to do and she did but it was fading. Angel didn’t came out not even once. It was a state of shock I haven’t seen before. She wasn’t coming back and I was getting more and more worried as was Rob. He knew I couldn’t hold on much longer; not sleeping, barely eating, only when he forced me.