“So….” But I wasn’t going to. No, I wasn’t losing her to my past too. I can’t.

“Um, listen,” I stuttered unable to put a coherent sentence together. I staggered around my words, trying to pick them carefully. Deep down I knew this was going to come out sounding pathetic, but I really didn’t have any other options at the moment. Quickly, I jumped off the bed and found myself racing to the door, well more like staggering. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and no matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn’t speed back up. The moment felt so unbearable, I could swear I felt it dig deeper into my skin. The pain felt like it was visibly etched into my body. So I had to get out of this moment and move on to the next one. I wasn’t going to fall apart and breakdown here. Maybe if I can just get away from all this, it might all just go away. Oh God please let this just be a nightmare, I silently prayed. I can’t relieve it again. My escape was in site. I went to turn the doorknob. I reached my hand out, but there must have been a glitch. Because when I looked up Ashley was blocking my exit. She wasn’t letting me go this time. Which meant this excruciating moment wasn’t over quite yet…

“Spencer…” Ashley whispered to me.

“Please…” I murmured. “Please I, I can’t. Please.”

“No. Spence, baby let me help you,” Ashley replied refusing to let me go, refusing to let me out of this moment.

“You’ll, you’ll never understand,” I replied. I looked down at my feet. I couldn’t look her in the eye. There was too much shame. “I can’t lose you Ash, not you too.” I stood there feeling self-pity dragging through me entire system. Then I felt two fingers being placed under my chin, forcing me to look up at Ashley but I refused to look her in the eye. I couldn’t.

“Spencer look at me,” Ashley commanded gently but firmly. Slowly I moved my gaze to meet her eyes. When I looked in them I didn‘t see the emotions I expected. What I expected to see was hate, resentment, anger, and regret. But what I saw was pain, sympathy, compassion, and even caring. “Try me,” was all she said in response. “Try me.” I looked into her eyes trying to show her the pain that had been eating me alive. I showed her my vulnerability, my regret. Everything was showing through my walls I had worked so hard to build up. Everything I’d ever tried to hide and erased, were no longer hidden. There was no way out of it this time. I’ve ran out of lies and excuses. There was nowhere to run, no escape. She was going to get the entire story.