I can remember how I wanted Carmen to be there. I remember getting dressed in this automatic way and moving so easily. It was like I was possessed; I didn’t know what to do. I just know that at that moment I realized that the person I ever really came close to loving completely…was Carmen.

I know that I drove to her mother’s house, that I saw her with her niece in the front yard picking flowers. I know that I wanted to talk to her, touch her, and kiss her. I wanted her and I just stayed in the car too scared to move, too scared to breathe. I watched her and I fell in love with her again, I felt sure that she was my soul mate.

I just didn’t deserve her. And I always hoped that I would be with her again…that maybe I would die and wake up with her in my arms. With her smiling at me as I rubbed my eyes. That she would touch my cheek as she kissed me good morning.

Instead I sat in the car watching the only person I ever loved smiling as this three year old hand her a weed. How she smelt it and kissed her nose. That she turned and stared for just a few seconds. And the most important thing ever was that she still have that smile on her face…that she looked sad like she had missed me. And I drove away, knowing that she was happy and that was all that mattered to me.

I guess that’s my answer…only it feels so incomplete. My mind is still racing, and I can’t stop thinking about her. I can see her so clearly, this light shining around her. She was my angel sent to redeem me, to save me and I destroyed her. So therefore I destroyed myself. Carmen is me; Carmen is what I want to be and what I fear to be. She is my heart and…. Well I guess conscious or soul what ever it is.

Everything I was meant to do all turns back to her…I guess I was supposed to love her. I just wish that I could still love her, that I could still be with her.

“Shane?” fuck I can even hear her…if this is heaven then I pray that I don’t get thrown out.