I use to dream about this moment, when everything makes sense and there is no more pain. No more lose no more hate or love. I use to pray for it, believe it or not. I can remember being in school when I was seven. The room was bright, the sun reflecting off the glass of the windows. The sound of the nun’s soft lyrical voice reciting the prayers just like every other morning.

I use to dream that I would be happy, that I would be in love and that I would die content. I guess you can say that I did it all. I found love only to find hate soon after…I was happy only to be depressed the next moment. I am dying and for some reason I don’t feel like I thought I would. I can remember this quote from Henry Ward Bleecher or something like that. Well all I know is that Jenny had it written in one of her books, I always liked it.

Anyway they were his last words, “now comes the mystery.” so simple, honest and absolutely fucking brilliant. I mean I can only see the guy as being full of himself, if you get what I mean. But everything in this life is about this moment…about what you see, what you hear, and what you feel. It’s all about trying to figure out if it’s really the end.

They also say that right before you die your whole life is suppose to pass you by…but only one moment in my life passes me by. One memory that completely takes over and it’s like I’m back in that moment. The mystery is the past really…I mean it’s the way it all fits together that is the answer. It’s this moment of clarity I had one Saturday afternoon.

It was absolutely perfect, everything about it was…I can’t explain it. I can try but it never sounds right. I was in bed, the second window was open and I could see out just a little. The sky was overcast, it looked like it might rain and the world outside was lifeless. There were no shouts or screams of kids playing. There was no screeching of tires or blaring music…there was just the sound of the wind in the trees. The sound of her moving her arm as she slept… I can’t remember who she was. I can’t remember her name or her face, or anything about her. But I do remember what ran through my mind at that moment.