Who will give me my peace of mind?

Stop. What are you doing? Your stuck Shane, you’ve got to get out. Shaney, where are you? What’s happening to you Shane? Why did you let her go? You’re going to die Shane.

“I need to…I need to find her.” it’s the first thing I’ve said since I woke up, since I was brought back.

“Who do you need to find sweet heart?” kit with her warm hands that touch my arm, why don’t they know?

“Carmen…I need to talk to her, see her. I need to find her,” I wonder if they checked my wallet? I mean for like health insurance shit and all that, I’m pretty sure I don’t have any. No, no they didn’t. They would know if they did, they would’ve found the picture.

Stop. What’s happening to you Shane? Why did you let her go? You’re going to die alone Shane, you’re not good enough for her. Why? Why now? Do you even know where she is Shane?

“Shane? Why do you need to find her?” I forgot Alice was here, I forgot that she could be quiet.

“I just do,” she won’t look away. She just stands there with her arms crossed and this trying to be a hard ass lean. I don’t think that came out right, she want’s to know. I want to know…why I am here. Why is this all happening? “When can I leave?”

“Shane that isn’t really a good idea right now…you need to rest you need to think.” if only you could read my mind Tina, I wonder if you could work it all out. “Look if you really want to see her, for what ever reason, you can when you get better.”

I can understand it now, why they’re so reluctant to help me. I mean I’m just the fuck up right? The friend that is there and isn’t, if that makes any sense. I’m just I’m tired of lying in this bed…I’m tired of these voices, of them wanting me to decide. I mean it’s supposed to be easy right? You should choose to live, to keep going. But I seriously don’t know what to do, or what I want.

Shane, where are you? It just seems like you check out…like you’re not here anymore. Where do you go? Stay with me Shane, just for tonight, just for this moment.…

“I can’t think here…not with all this crap hooked up to me. Not with all this noise, I need to move I can’t….I can’t stay here.” I can feel that itch on the back of my head. They told me that the doctor said it would itch…that jerk that saved my life.

What life? They need to see that no one should be living like I do. That no one should be so…lost. Is that it? Am I lost? Is that the big answer to all this…that I don’t belong here. That I don’t know where I belong…I just know that I felt like I belonged with her. For awhile at least.

“Shane…you can’t just get up and leave…you need to get better.” YOU NEED TO GET BETTER! It echoes in my head, getting louder and louder…I need to find out what the fuck is happening to me. I need to stop it, make it stop. Make it go away. Sh it’s ok, I’m right here….just stay with me Shane, just breath.

Her voice is so calm, so smooth and I almost feel her breath on my ear…I almost see her staring down at me. And I guess she is my angel of death…she guides me into the dark, her hand in mine. I guess I am lost…I guess I might never get any answers. I have no clue where I am right now…but I know that the voices are gone. I know that she’s just in my imagination…I know I am dreaming….I wonder if death is like this.