Fan Fiction
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The Newly Discovered SoCal Humminger Bette Porterius ~ Chapter 16
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“No.”
“Is there any reason she wouldn’t have?”
Tina hesitated, “Um, well, some of the collectors are, well, kinda old. I mean, they look good. For their age. “
“Everybody’s old?”
“Well, no, but I only saw her with collectors.”
“So you can’t be sure.”
“She was flirting.”
“On the message you said you weren’t sure.”
“So you did hear my message.”
“I was running towards the phone but didn’t get to it in time. What did she do?”
“She slowly ran her fingers along my palm and fingers when we were releasing a handshake.”
“That’s, um, unusual,” Bronwyn paused. “Maybe she has a bad handshake?”
“It didn’t happen with Eric..”
“What else?”
“She stood close.”
“How close?”
“Just a little.”
“This is pretty flimsy, Tina.”
“OK. They’re serving a drink called a Porter.”
“No fucking way.”
“Bron.”
“Sorry.”
“OK. The drink. She asked me if I was enjoying my Porter. When I told her that it would be impossible to not enjoy a Porter, she said that not everyone is the right type to fully appreciate a Porter.”
“Wait. She’s named a drink after herself?”
“No. I guess, yes. But it is really cute. It’s got this swizzle stick that is…”
“Fine. Cute swizzle stick. You can fill in that detail when you call me tonight. How did you reply??”
Tina thought for a moment. “Oh.”
‘What does ‘oh’ mean?”
“I, uh, said that I was lucky to be that type.”
“Tina, you know you were flirting, right?”
“Maybe.”
“No ‘maybe.’ You were.”
“She started it.”
“She’s a lesbian, right?”
“I told you that, Bron.”
“OK. Well, I know what you look like in that dress.”
“I’m wearing this for Eric,” Tina protested.
“Frankly, Tina, you look so hot that I might consider going gay for you. I mean, if we weren’t friends and you weren’t straight. She, though, doesn’t have the friend thing and she may not know you’re straight. Or care.”
“Bron, she’s wearing this incredible suit. She looks so, I don’t know, graceful yet so in charge.”
“Jesus Tina. I can hear your drool dripping on the phone. That is you girlcrush talking, Tina. LOOK, Flirting back is not going to discourage her. If you want to discourage her.”
“She was doing it in front of Eric.”
“So were you. But forget that. Did he notice?”
“No.”
“Tina, you know, he can be such an idiot sometimes.”
There suddenly were three loud knocks on the bathroom door.
“Someone’s knocking. I have to go.”
Tina than yelled at the door, “Just a minute.”
“Tina, where are you?” Bronwyn asked.
“The bathroom.”
Bronwyn laughed. “We have been having this long conversation while you’re hiding in the bathroom?”
“Bron, I don’t have time for your laughing. What do I do?”
“OK. People have flirted with you before, right?”
“Well, yes.”
“And you’ve dealt with that, right?”
“Yeah, but this is different. This feels sort of…”
“Pretend it doesn’t feel ‘sort of’ anything and deal with Bette Porter the same way you’d deal with anyone who flirts with you.”
Tina was silent for a moment. “I guess that makes sense.”
“Thank you, Bron, for your sage advice,”
Tina laughed. “Thank you, Bron for your, for once, sage advice.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Bye, Bron.”
“Okay. Call me tonight to tell me all about it. Oh and Tina?”
Tina had been about to disconnect the phone when she heard her friend’s mention her name. “What,” Tina replied distractedly as she began to again flush the unused toilet.
“Try to hide the girlcrush, OK?”
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you write really well. can’t wait for the next installment. :)
Your writing is delightful, funny and totally engaging.
Too short, but oh so sweet! A third person to filter this through is really fun. It’s like we’ve pulled up a spectator’s seat at a high-stakes poker game, except it seems that the house and the best player will both win. I hope that’s Bette, coming to see what’s up with her powder room. Thanks!
Jikes has a great point: Bronwyn is a great character. How come TLW Tina had no viable friends from her life pre-Bette. It’s ludicrous that a woman of Tina’s professional standing had no context outside of her relationship with Bette and then, with the tapes at the end, what the ???? It all supports my theory that Tina was intended just for Season 1 and the unexpected eclat from Bette and Tina forced Ilene to continue on with the relationship. It endured through all the sh*t that was heaped on it and Tina. It was season 5 before Tina was allowed to be anything other than a dipsh*t. But…I digress. It’s over and dead now. Thank goodness for the radical revisions of talented writers like you. I can read on, enjoying my B&T without end. Thanks!
Hmmm…Bron seems to have an inkling that this ‘girlcrush’ is rather more than a crush, having wondered (briefly) if Tina actually wanted to stop the flirtation. Well, maybe a semi-public bathroom isn’t the optimal place to seriously begin questioning one’s orientation. Especially when there’s a line outside. But the time of reckoning is nigh. So was Tina making her call on a Startac?
Ah, that girlcrush can only “hidden” for so long. And if Tina’s going to do what might do when anyone was flirting with her… well, she might just act on the obvious signals. Sage advice, indeed. Great stuff, Spumoni, thank you for making my morning slog a whole heck of a lot less of a slog. cheers! :)
I have a confession to make: I kinda have a girlcrush on Bronwyn. Stupid IC not using Bronwyn, ever! :P You are awesome to the power of infinity. And I just checked the previous post, and apparently my comment never posted :( It said that you’re my favorite Italian pirate, obviously, and that you’re one of my favorite authors and that… I don’t know. It was too long ago for my feeble mind. But it included, frankly, unashamed girlcrush-y admiration. :D
What another excellent update. Come on Tina you know it’s not just a girl crush right :) Thank you again for this story :)
I can understand Tina and wouldn’t know what to do either. Sometimes it is just so relaxing to only stand at the sideline and wonder why they don’t see what everyone with a brain around them can see.
Brilliant!! Bloody brilliant. i read with a continuous smile. more plz!!! soon. i just caught up; been flat tack busy.
Girl crush, flirting, hot looking in a dress, an incredible suit get visual for a morning get up. Great post, Spum.
That Bron character, I think you should copywrite it, or you will soon see it appear in the new L word or whatever.lol. Thanks for posting soon.
Thanks for the update. This whole conversation is just so cute! Tina is in so much trouble…..
I am savoring every moment of this very long night…perhaps instead of the Artists’ Dinner, it can become the Artists’ Weekend. I’ve just read these last two chapters and have to say I have a girlcrush of my own. Your outstanding writing and unique humor makes me tingle with glee every time I see your posts! From your earworm to your backstory to your plushie fetish, all are just brilliant. I love your snarky Bronwyn, but hope that Tina ignores her sage advise and continues the adorable flirting. Thanks for sharing your talent, Spumoni!
Nothing short of awesome! Thanks!
I’m on vacation today-leaving everyone waiting because I saw your story…and HAD TO READ IT. (People…I do have my priorities…and one of them is Spumoni!!!) This chapter was fantastically fun! Oh…the joy’s of advise from a friend on girlcrush…hah! Go with the flow Tina…’cause it’s going to sweep you off your feet! This is one of my fav chapters of this story…it was sweet!!
loved it…maybe tina shouldn’t listen to bron and flirt more and don’t hide anything….i miss bette’s humming
Okay there is just one word for this story…Excellent !!!PPS
haha I’ve totally done this before. Except the girl crush I had followed me into the bathroom :)
Oh hell Bron, she can’t hide the girl crush and why should she anyway. This is just so much fun and I love every word of it. Thanks for posting.
Oh hell Bron, she can’t hide the girl crush and why should she anyway. This is just so much fun and I love every word of it. Thanks for posting.
Oh hell Bron, she can’t hide the girl crush and why should she anyway. This is just so much fun and I love every word of it. Thanks for posting.
Oh yeah, Bron was right…they were sooo flirting with each other. O.K. now let’s see where they both go from here. Tina…get out of the bathroom!