Samantha pulled up the last entry; she’d worked herself up to being able to read them.

            The funeral was today, it finally hit me that I’ll never go to hold her again, kiss her.  Pepper her belly with baby kisses to wake her up from her rainy day afternoon nap.  I’ll never see her come home bone tired from her day of work, letting me wait on her hand and foot.  We’ll never see the day that we can get married and that the rings we’d exchanged on a Christmas so long ago, will finally mean that much more.  Never.  It sounds so ***** final doesn’t it?  Final.  Never.  Dead.  Empty.  Hollow.  Alone.  Pain.  Sorrow.  Alone.

            She closed her eyes to the words, she’d felt so alone that day.  Nothing her father could say could ease that pain.  Seeing the one woman she’d connected with lowered into the ground for all of eternity.  Silver and gold casket that was now home to her love.  Shunning any physical contact from anyone and throwing herself into her work. 

            Choosing to work in the ER where there was constant death.  Stress and even the hope of saving the un-savable.  C.J. had been a nurse and a great ER nurse always quick and never frazzled by any event. 

            Super hero complex she could hear C.J.’s voice telling her.  She could still hear it, as clear as day.  Just like the day she’d first seen Shane and hearing C.J. say, ‘***** Fox.’ in her head, taking the camera out of the back of her car and proceeding to take picture after picture of where Shane worked, and the people that Shane touched. 

            She rubbed her eyes, puffy and red as she put the computer on the floor as she pulled the thick woolen blanket around her, feeling so cold.  Shivering as she started to calm. 

            Remembering the moment in the hospital when C.J. had asked her parents to leave them alone for a while, she’d known it was that moment.  Sam had just held her, a skeleton of the woman she’d met when she was only 14.  Skin and bones, but her eyes were still bright blue and filled with love for her and only her.  No matter how many others they’d slept with while they’d been together, they always crept back into their bed, and into their love. 

            Sam had pushed away the straw colored hair from her face and watched as she took her last breaths, telling to her to live, to love and to never forget her.  To promise to love again, and Sam had promised, not sure if she ever could, but would tell her what she needed to hear for her to let go of her fragile life thread. 

            “I love you Sam Vance…”  C.J. had said, just like she had the first time she’d said it.

            “I love you too C.J. Masters…” Sam said, watching as the monitors flat-lined and her chest stopped rising and falling and the heart that Sam loved so much stopped beating.

            Sam began to cry again, cuddling up in the chair missing her love on her birthday.

            Shane watched from the door way.

Life

JG Marie

11-26-02

Life; fragility ever transparent

Eggshells of breakable existence

Able to be shattered from many angles

Standing strong against the chaos

That surrounds our everyday life

Defiant & steadfast in our internal beliefs

Fanatic and exhilarated about the things we enjoy

Protective and passionate about those we love

Our lives never guaranteed

Only living day to day

Hour to hour

On borrowed time from the spectra unknown

Unwilling to let go of our earthbound surroundings

Struggling for just a moment more

To say things absently left unsaid

To do the little things always put aside

Just one stitch in time

Life; the ever brittle existence of me


JadedRogue