Some kind of wonderful

Chapter 34

“I don’t hate you – it would be easier if I did but I don’t – all I have ever wanted is your approval and I haven’t got that for a while”
Emma rubbed away a couple of tears
“I have been a prize bitch to you”
“Why mom ?. I guess its bad that it has taken this to make me come and talk to you. All I have wanted is your approval and love”
“Do you think that I don’t love you ?”
“No “ Tina said honestly “I think you don’t agree with things that I have done – like taking the casual job and moving above dad’s apartment”
“And Bette”
“And Bette – that’s the big one mom. “ Tina stopped – this wasn’t the time or the place for a long discussion about their relationship – not with all this happening with Kate “ We can talk about it another time”
“No – we should talk about it now – I don’t know when else I will have my daughter to myself and if we are talking about me and my weaknesses and uselessness as a wife I should also add that I have been lambasting myself for how I have been with you”
“We don’t have to “
“I would like to”
“Lets go and sit in the sitting room – its warmer and I am cold – do you have the heating on?”
“Not sure”
Tina got up and went into the airing cupboard and turned the heating right up. When she went into the sitting room Emma was opening the huge curtains that covered the vast windows that overlooked Central Park. The room was tidy – something Tina hadn’t been expecting and there was no sign that Emma had spent the night before drowning her sorrows. Tina sat down beside where Emma had put her refilled coffee mug. Emma wrapped her robe around her and sat on the sofa
“As hard as it is for you to believe all I want is for you to have the very best of everything. I want you to have the best job – one that reflects how smart you are and how personable – not working for the NYPD store”
“I have never known what I want to do – not like you – law isn’t something that I am good at or that I want to get good at. I would forever be Emma Kennard’s daughter. You once told me how you hated being Sam Kennard’s daughter for so long – that’s why you came to New York – so you could be Emma  – not Sam’s little girl. I want my own place in life and that’s not going to be with the firm or doing law. I hoped that after college I could find something that was me – I am still looking – I am only 23 and in case you hadn’t noticed the economy is on its ass  – firms aren’t throwing their nets out to catch a good graduate. I will find something and then you can be proud of me”
“I already am proud of you”
Tina decided to be honest “It hasn’t felt like that – its felt like I am a big let down to you”
“You aren’t – god I really do have no social skills – not with my wife or with my child “ Emma berated herself “ God Kennard – you really do suck “
“No “ Tina said “You are a great mom but I’m a young woman – I am not a teenager or a toddler. You have to let me make my own way – mistakes and all”
“Hold something too tight and you kill it – let it go and risk losing it forever “ Emma said dredging some quote up from her brain
“I am not going away – but you have been pushing me away with how harsh you have been. I love my new apartment and I feel safe – would you be happier if I had moved into somewhere in a bad area where I felt scared to be alone ? The area is great and its secure and its warm and I feel like a adult in my own place. I have struggled to get the place decorated and full of stuff but that has been half the fun. You should have seen us struggling to get this huge wardrobe out of a van and up into the apartment – that is what makes it great -that’s why I love it – because of the work I have had to put into it. Aren’t you just a little put out that you didn’t help me get my own place ?”
Emma was silent for a few minutes and finally she nodded “ One of Kate’s rants about me was that I could have got you a clerical job and helped you find somewhere to live. I didn’t take much notice of her because I knew what she was doing by then and it took a lot of self control not to hit back with some comment that told her I knew what she was up to.”
“God mom – this is a train wreck – you should have told someone “
“Who ?  – all of our friends are really Kate’s friends — they just put up with me. Rosemary is Kate’s friend – and she’s never forgiven me for the college business four years ago”
Tina didn’t think either of them could deal with a conversation about that. It didn’t seem to matter to her at the moment – not when she could see what a mess her mother was. Her strong and so capable mom had just folded like a pack of cards – it was tearing Tina apart and she was trying to be strong for her sake. If Tina started crying it would open the floodgates.
“I have neglected you – I am sorry “
Tina swallowed back tears – she was not going to cry but equally just hear Emma admit that she had been at fault was something that Tina realised she had waited a long to time to hear.
“You had shit going on. If I had known “ Tina began
“If you had known you would have confronted Kate and she would have walked out sooner. I know that you are in shock and I am sorry for that Tina but it was something that I couldn’t talk about. I still find it hard to admit how much I knew. Can you imagine what it is like to know what is going on and not say anything. Every time she went out I didn’t know if she was walking out for good. Every time I looked at her I knew that she was getting things from this woman that I had always been there for her for. Every day – every day for what feels like a life time but isn’t. just waiting for the day when she would tell me she was leaving ?”
“I can’t begin to imagine “ Tina said
“I hope you never do find out sweetheart “
Tina didn’t think Bette would hurt her like that – but Bette was hiding something from her. At some point THAT would emerge – would she feel the same way as her mother did now ? No -because whatever it was it was something that had happened when they had been apart – infidelity was something that only happened if you were together to start off with. She shook her head – no good would come of her thinking about what Bette was not telling her. She had more pressing issues.
“I won’t deny that your name has been mud lately “ Tina hugged her coffee mug “ When you walked into mom’s office and asked me if I was going ahead with  this farce of seeing Bette – that hurt  – that hurt more than I can admit. I was terrified at the time – seeing her again – wondering if she had changed – wondering if I had changed – and you just stabbed me. “