As the weeks went on, I felt my urges grow. Seeing Tina breastfeeding was a beautiful sight, but an arousing one as well. I ached to make love with her and did everything I could to try to facilitate it. 

I took care of all the household duties – cleaning, grocery shopping and paying bills. I changed diapers, fed and bathed Angelica and offered to get up at night and feed her with expressed milk so Tina could have some extra sleep, even though she insisted on feeding Angelica herself. I tried to do everything to make Tina’s life easier so she would have some time and energy for me. None of it seemed to do any good. My physical advances were constantly rebuked. 

I had finally suggested a sex therapist in the hopes that Tina would see how wrong she was being in denying me a physical relationship, but she was focused on her own insecurities and money. When we got home I suggested that we follow the therapist’s advice and get Angelica a crib so we would be able to sleep together alone, but Tina dismissed it out of hand.

The harder I tried, the more we argued. It seemed that Tina was always challenging me instead of trying to see things from my point of view. Feeding schedules. Sleeping schedules. We argued about everything, but most of all money.

I don’t understand why Tina was so obsessed about money. I had a good severance from the CAC and I knew I was able to get a job without any problem. But I didn’t want just any job, I wanted a job that I loved. Like Angus said, it should “make your heart sing.”

I don’t understand why this is such a battleground for us. Didn’t I support us all the time Tina was preparing her body for pregnancy? Wasn’t I always the main provider, the bread winner throughout our relationship? It was hurtful that Tina questioned this. It was downright insulting when she threw it in my face. 

She talked to Helena about a job without even discussing it with me. She did not consider how I might feel for her to be working with not only her ex-lover but the person I blame for getting me fired from the C.A.C. She humiliated me at the restaurant over letting me pay for dinner for our friends. I even sold my most precious art work to prove not only that I could provide for them, but they were the most important thing in the world to me.