My head is leaning against the window as I stare blankly at the scenery rolling by. Those words are burned into my memory. Words that had surprised me, soothed me, healed me. The same words that had closed the wound I created now come back to haunt me. 

What went wrong? It was only a few months ago that Tina had asked to come home – our home – to be together as a family, and now here I am sitting on a bus on my way to a meditation retreat, still reeling from the revelation that Tina has feelings about men. 

Is it over or is this just another transition for us? Am I still being punished for my transgression or am I being tested? 

I think back to the first weeks after Angelica was born. There was of course the blur of feedings, diapers, sleeplessness, exhaustion and overall adjustment to having your whole world center around this tiny little miracle. But what I remember most, and with utter clarity, is the joy of living with Tina again, the exhilaration of parenthood, the sweet relief of feeling whole again. It wasn’t the way we planned for it to happen, but it had happened and I was so grateful.

I loved the quiet moments like watching Tina sleep peacefully with Angelica nestled beside her or watching Tina breastfeeding and being so overwhelmed by the beauty of it. I marveled at how a little smile from Angelica brightened my whole day, or how when her little finger wrapped around mine I felt like my heart would burst with love. I cherished the long, languid days when we would all be together, content to sit quietly on the couch for hours, holding each other, watching our baby, secure in this love we shared.

While I reveled in my new role of mother, I also longed for my old role of lover. Tina and I had reconciled at the end of her pregnancy and were thrown almost immediately into parenthood. We never got the chance to rekindle our romance. But now I longed for intimacy. We made love that one glorious time during Tina’s pregnancy after the sonogram, but now that we were back together, I looked forward to renewing that connection.