I feel like there’s not much time left.
And also… I don’t feel well at all, I feel like I’m about to throw up.
Like a stab in my stomach.
“Mmm… Yeah, those relationships… They can really fuck you up…”.
I shake my head no.
Stop talking stop talking stop talking Carm.
I gotta go.
I gotta go and catch him before he gets too high to understand what’s going on.
I want him to watch me straight in the eyes as I…
….
…I gotta go.
“I think you should stay… Yeah, I do”.
Carmen.
Veins pumping rhythmically on my forehead.
Painful, painful, painful.
What’s happening to me?
“And I think you should play a game with me…”.
No game. No game, Carmen. This is not a fucking game anymore.
“Did I say you could touch me?”.
No. No. No. No. No, Carm.
I can’t touch you.
I don’t even know if I ever gonna see you again.
I’m fooling myself.
I’m loosing my mind.
“That’s right. I won… Loser…”.
I close my fingers around the gun and motion towards the entrance.

”It’s 11:11
Happy Birthday
Now lay me down to sleep. code I know but I can’t keep
if blood could crawl I’d spill it all just to escape from me
can you feel my pain?
can you feel my pain?
can you feel my pain?
can you feel my pain?
feel it…
are you scared?
scared of me?
cause I don’t sleep
and you don’t sleep
you don’t sleep with me!”*

When I enter the shed there is practically no other sound but my boots rubbing on the concrete floor.
In the background, only a drop hitting a sheet metal and sounding like a chronometer.

Plick.
Plick.
Plick.

I take a look around and I realize I’m in the dark, and that Sanders can’t see me despite we’re only sixty feet away.
He is heating up the drug with a lighter, the spoon only a few inches away from his nose.
I guess he’s quite busy with that, too busy to notice what’s going around him.
The shed stinks and I grimace in disgust.
Shit.
Piss.
Dampness.
Mould.
Rotten food.
Junk.
Smoke.
This gun feels so right in my hand.

**

I inhale deeply and I walk towards him.
And everything seems in slow motion.
Me, my gun pointed towards him.
He, staring at me as his mouth forms a perfect “O” and his eyes widen.
Me, smiling evilly without even noticing it.
I feel so powerful right now.
“What the fuck…?”, he croaks, slowly.
My eyes don’t move.
“Put it down”.
No more Carmen talking.
No more memories.
No more voices in my head.
I’m grateful.
John James Sanders and me and nobody else.
That’s our moment and I’m cherishing it.
“Put. It. Down. Now.”, I repeat, nodding at the spoon.
Extremely carefully, he places both lighter and spoon on the dirty floor. Then, he gets up showing me the palms of his hands.
I stare at him and time seems to stop.
“Who the fuck are you? Police?”.
He has these clueless eyes and I would like to shoot him with no further delay.
“You don’t know me. You know my wife”, I say, calmly.
He frown and licks his lips and just that makes me feel sick.
“Your wife…?”.
“Carmen Morales”.
I can almost hear the gears in his brain working.
Then, this look of sudden awareness.
“Aaw, the caliente chica!”, he smirks, and I think to myself.
This motherfucker isn’t even scared now.
John James Sanders lowers his arms and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“So what are you two? Dykes, huh?”. He bends his head towards me in a confidential way that makes me sick in the stomach.
“Well well, guess what!…. Whoa!”.
“Hands up”, I say with my teeth clenched.
He chuckles and raises his arms, again.
“Why are you here, huh? Will you make me pay for injuring your lesbian bitch?”, he teases me.
I tighten the grip on the gun.
“Yeah, that’s what I am going to do”, I answer.
“You know what? I hate you dykes. You’re so full of shit. If I knew your tamale was a dyke, I would shoot her right in the head”, he says, aggressively.
“On your knees”, I growl at him.
He opens his eyes wide, in disbelief.
“You gotta to be fucking kidding me! I’m not going to kneel down in front of a lesbian”.
And he spits on the ground.
“…But I have to admit your chicana is pretty good. If I wasn’t in a hurry, I would gladly bang her…”.
Veins on my forehead pulsing, pulsing.
Painfully, painfully, as a blind grudge covers it all.