”Another dream that will never come true
Just to compliment your sorrow
Another life that I’ve taken from you
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you’re beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening”

In the hallway, I am alone.
Right now there’s no one but me at Carmen’s bedside and it must be fate.
There must be my bad karma following me.
Look Shane.
Look your dying wife, Shane.
And do it all alone.
I put my hands on my head in desperation and turn around.
I don’t know what to do.
All those urgent orders coming from Carmen’s room.
All those agitated voices and I don’t know what’s going on exactly.
All I know is that here we are again.
Here we are with this void inside, with this fear.
Scared to death at the idea of doctor Breillard coming out and saying.
We’ve done out best, but.
Shane, I am so very sorry about your loss.
I try hard to breathe.
I keep on repeating to myself.
Breathe, Shane, breathe.
Everything’s gonna be fine they’re gonna fix this.
But there’s a voice inside of me laughing at my expenses.
And it’s Sanders’ voice and I know it even if I’ve never heard it.
And I think to myself.
My wife’s life is the price for you getting high.
You bastard, you son of a bitch, God damn you.
God damn you.
Burn in hell you bastard.
And I’m so full of fear and anger and anxiety that even my own body feels extraneous to me.

” Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray
Living just isn’t hard enough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life’s not hard enough
Take everything away…”

**

When doctor Breillard reaches me in the hallway almost thirty minutes have passed and I’m sitting on the floor in a complete shock.
He observes me from above, then he decides to sit down beside me.
“Shane…”, he whispers.
“Is she dead?”. I’m not brave enough to watch him straight in the eyes.
I’m so scared.
So sure that this is going to be my punishment because I’ve never been a good girl.
Even if Carmen always says that I am a good girl, I know I’m not.
So I just stay here waiting for the unavoidable.
I just stay here and I hold my breath.
And then doctor Breillard simply says.
“No”.
And I start breathing again.
But still I can’t look at him and I don’t know why.
There are some missing pieces of me and I can’t find them anymore.
Doctor Breillard sighs and gently puts a hand on my knee, like a father would do.
“Carmen had a heart failure, but we fixed it”.
I stare at my shoes.
I am so tired.
And my heart.
My heart is broken by all this and I don’t know words to express how I feel.
“Do you mean that her heart stopped beating?”, I ask in a breath.
“Heart failure is a cardiac condition that occurs when a problem with the structure or function of the heart impairs its ability to supply sufficient blood flow to meet the body’s needs…”, he starts explaining.
“…But it must not be confused with cardiac arrest, Shane….”.
He rubs my knee, gently.
“…Her cardiac output was low and she was having a severe dyspnea. Now, we’re going to treat her with diuretic agents, vasodilator agents and positive inotropes”.
“Will she be fine?”, I ask.
“Look at me, Shane”, he says.
And I raise my eyes.
“Carmen is young and strong. She can make it. Of course these are very dangerous hours, but… The operation went well, you know that. The post-operative hours are always very risky, always. But you must be strong, and have faith in your wife and yourself”.
I nod, slightly.
But I don’t believe him.
Everything is precipitating into a downward spiral that I cannot control.
And every time I believe in something.
I lose it.
I don’t know if I still want to believe in something.
Because Carmen is in that room and is unconscious and her brain… Who knows what’s going through her brain…
Carmen is there and I am here and nothing makes sense anymore if I can’t see her eyes, her eyes smiling at me. If I can’t feel her hand touching me.
That intimate contact telling me that everything’s gonna be alright.
I am alone.