I wake up with a start and a lump in my throat, like a dying cry.
So many words whispered in my mind. So many words that I can’t count them.
And now I have this bitter taste in my mouth.
And my head hurts.
I touch the pulsing scar with two fingers and narrow my eyes.
Then I turn my head and Shane is sleeping beside me.
I check the clock on the nightstand. It’s almost eight in the morning.
Then my look goes back to her.
She has her fists tightened on the sheets and her eyebrows are furrowed, her lips clenched.
She’s having a bad dream.
Was I?
I don’t remember if mine was a good or a bad dream.
It was so full of things. Of words. And images. It was like a filled bottle. I felt like I was going to explode.
“Shane…” I say softly, in her ear. I touch her neck.
She shakes her head slowly.
“Shane… wake up, you’re having a nightmare…”.
A low moan coming from her chest.
I cup her face with both my hands, suddenly worried.
“Shane, darling… Please, wake up…”.
And finally she opens her eyes and stares at me. For a second, she seems unable to figure out who I am, where she is or what is going on.
Then she smiles a little, gently shielding my hand with hers.
I notice that her forehead is covered with a cold sweat.
“Are you alright?”.
She clears her throat and suddenly she’s completely awake.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright”.
“Were you having a bad dream?”.
“I don’t remember”, she answers too quickly.
I tilt my head and bite my bottom lip.
“…I don’t know if I should believe you…”.
She raises her eyebrows and smirks.
“Believe me”.
Then she grabs the back on my neck, pulling me down for a kiss.
“D’you wanna know something?”, she murmurs while I rest my head on her chest.
“What?”. I start playing with her silver necklace.
“The first thing that came up my mind when I opened my eyes was: where am I?”.
I smile against her t-shirt.
“I can imagine…”.
She chuckles briefly.
“Forty nights on a couch could erase any memory…”.
Shane kisses my forehead.
“Is this a sort of self-humor?”.
“Sort of” I admit.
Then I raise on my elbow and stare at her.
“But there’s something else going on, you know…”.
Her eyes are suddenly attentive, perceptive. Alerted. Mindful.
“What do you mean?”. She asks.
I sigh deeply.
“Well… I had a dream. There was this voice talking and… nothing else but fragments of images, memories maybe… “. I shake my head trying to focus. “…It’s hard to explain. First of all, it was my voice. It was like I was speaking to myself. Speaking and listening at the same time. Asking, demanding, inquiring and answering… all in once. And I have the feeling I’m starting to remember something…”.
Shane’s eyes wide open and she sits on the bed, watching me carefully.
“Are you sure?”, she asks in an inaudible whisper.
I blink repeatedly.
“Pretty sure, yeah”.
Shane inhales and holds her breath.
I scratch the scar on my head again and try to elaborate. Deep inside of me, I know I’m also trying to surprise her.
“I remember something about my dream and I want you to tell me if it makes any sense”.
“Try me”, Shane says with a steady voice.
“Ok…”. I stay silent for a while and then, staring at her, I repeat some of the words that keep spinning around me, in the same tone I’m hearing them.
“Now Shane, I want you to look at me”.
Shane is totally motionless, her jaw clenched, her whole body tensed.
I narrow my eyes, concentrating.
“…I know how hard you try to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on this planet, but it’s not working for you anymore…”.
In a whisper, she answers: “It’s working fine”.
“No it’s not” I interrupt her, without even noticing it. “It’s not because of this”.
And I grab her hand and puts it on my heart. And I place mine on her heart.
“Can you feel this…? Most people don’t have this. This is rare”.
Shane remains silent for a while. I can see how alerted she is. I can see the whirlwind of emotions she’s going through. And I can see the tears she’s holding back.
“So what?”. Again, in a whisper.
I smile gently.
“That’s right. So what? So what, if nothing ever comes out of this? So what, if you’ll never act on it? You are so convinced that having a relationship near you is going to kill you”.
She’s staring at me and starts shaking.
“Because it will”. Her voice barely audible.
I bend my head.
“There’s nothing more…” I admit.
Shane cups my face and rests her forehead against mine.
“Carmen…”.
I open my eyes and watch her.
“Carmen… I don’t know what’s happening but you just repeated the exact words you used years ago to shake me from my apathy…”. Her voice is trembling with emotion.
“Did I?”.
“Yes”. She smiles against my lips, kissing me.
“Really? Are you serious?”. Unbelievable.
“Yes. And yes”. She sniffles.
“Oh my God”. I caress her cheeks.
“That’s a huge step” she murmurs between kisses, “An enormous improvement”.
I start chuckling and crying, grabbing the back of her neck and going on with the kisses.
“Doctor Breillard… will be… amazed…and very… very happy” Shane states huskily.
She gently pushes me down on the mattress and, slowly, starts undressing me.