Lost – part 9

Bettes Journal:

So Ive decided to keep a journal. Huh. Its not like Im the most introspective person in the world. At least, not until this weekend. I doubt Ive done as much self-examination in my entire life as I have these past few days. Maybe if I had, I wouldnt be in this situation.

Usually Im a woman of action. I would rather be making memories than reviewing them. Ive known my entire life that Im a classic type-A personality, and Ive lately discovered that I probably qualify as an A++ or something, with my need to control everything (and everyone?) around me. So Id rather be doing, and frankly, I think time not spent in meaningful action is a waste. Maybe I need to redefine meaningful?

Maybe Im onto something there Is my drive for meaningful activity how I got so overburdened and ended up breaking? I know I have a tendency (compulsion?) to hide myself in my work when I am not happy. Really, to throw myself into life, which these days largely consists of work. Before I met Tina, I would also throw myself into partying and into casual relationships. After I met Tina, I was happy, so I had no need to hide.

When did I become unhappy? What happened? I thought I had the perfect life. Obviously, I dont. I had a great job, a beautiful and loving wife, good friends, enough money to be more than comfortable What went wrong?

I did – do – want to have a family with Tina. Truly. But I dont think I counted on how much that would change our lives. My life. Im still scared of the responsibility of children. They take so much time and energy and money andlove. I know Ill love any child we have, but I worry that I wont be able to give it all the love it needs. Or that I want to. I hate to say that. But I still hurt so much from losing our son, and I never even held him or looked into his eyes. I think I would be destroyed if we tried again and lost another child. I am so scared to lose another child. Or to lose Tina. Maybe its irrational, but I am terrified at the thought that Tina could have died in childbirth. Im terrified of what could happen to her emotionally if we did, heaven forbid, lose another child.