Lost – 8

Bette drove back to LA in a state of fear. She was so scared to lose Tina. She knew that if Tina had been the one to have an affair, Bette would probably not have given Tina a second chance. Her pride would have been too wounded. Thank goodness Tina was less egotistical and more forgiving. At least, Bette hoped she was.

She reflected on the explanations she had given Tina. She had spoken from her heart, and knew that her statements were as true as she could make them. It was a relief to finally be able to share her fears and failures. She just regretted that she had waited until now, when it was almost too late, instead of swallowing her pride in time to prevent the disaster that was her life.

She knew she needed to make some big changes in her life, or she would never recover from all this. Or, if she did recover, she would end up repeating the pattern. Hopefully Tina would work with her to figure out how to do better. She knew she wouldnt have the strength of the know-how to do it alone.

How does that whole twelve step thing go again? RightThe first step is admitting you have a problem. Well, that has become pretty obvious. I think Ive got that one licked. SecondI have no idea what really come second. The will to change? I think Ive finally got that. Keeping Tina is certainly my motivation for change, which translates into will. Bette continued thinking along this vein as she cruised south, trying to give herself something constructive to do instead of wishing Tina would call and dreading she wouldnt.

By the time she reached the house, Bette had outlined a plan of action for herself. Mostly it involved crying, but in between bawling sessions, she intended to really examine herself and try to improve. It would take a lot of humility, but she believed that the end result”Tina”was worth it.

She knew she had a problem opening up and talking about her feelings, so she decided to try writing them down in a journal. She made a strict rule for herself that she was allowed to write whatever she wanted to, whether she was sure it was quite true or not. She knew that sometimes you cant tell if you mean something until youve said or written it. So she also reserved the right to cross things out if they werent what she really felt or believed.