Robyn forgot to mention a few things, rather important things; like doing simple exercise (like walking up and down steps) your lungs fought to hold air. I huffed and puffed walking from my car to the house and then up the steps. She didnt mention how, when you came down (I had to eventually), your head screamed with pain and your body broke out in a panicky sweat. She left out how the simplest little things could make you jump off the deep end. And how parental concern might suffocate you, might confuse you, could possibly make you yell, Just leave me the ***** alone! This time it was actually Greg who asked for the heart-to-heart. It was a rather one sided conversation. May I come in Tina? Can we talk? I realized that he pretty much hated confrontation and I could play the game two ways; in-your-face or contrite. Whats going on? Your mom and I are worried about you. I chose contrition of course and feigned ignorance. What do you mean? He didnt waste any time and got right to the point. Its like youre a whole different person lately. I mean I know I didnt know you that well before you left, but your mother knows you. Well Im not a totally different person, just the Sadie part, and not all the time. Just with the monster. Did something happen at Andys? Like he really wanted to hear about moms old boyfriend? I dont think that he wanted to know him and mom were 100% right on. Again, I kept my mouth shut. Dont take this the wrong way okay? You arent doing drugs are you? Haha. What the ***** was I supposed to do”admit it? I shook my head in denial. I know that this time in your like is full of experimentation Of course he knew, I mean I know him and mom talked about doing some stuff before I heard the conversations. And, hello, my mom was with Andyplus a recovering alcoholic. but I hope youll think twice before you do. Youve got a lot to lose. I bit my lips and filled my eyes with innocence, trying to encourage myself with some fake tears, I know Greg, I promise Ill think twice. He talked to me a little while longer. I smiled, nodded, and apologized for my foul temper and angry words. I protested when it seemed appropriate for a normal teenager to do so, and somehow managed not to get grounded again. When he left I patted myself on the back for a game well played; then I pulled open the door and tiptoed down the hall to eavesdrop on the conversation. The both believed theyd bit the bullet. Little did they know that I hadnt yet fired off the full round. The next few days went by in a smoky, crank-scented haze. Robyn came through big time; her eight ball looked closer to the real deal so I was generous with her finders feewe got to be good friends. I would toot a line before school, hood up with Robyn at lunch; hop into her car for a taste of tinfoil and a tobacco chaser, and then stumbled into class talkative and glassy-eyed. Just to make things interesting I took up residence on The Avenue. It was pretty much a designated smoking are for students. My new friends and I were usually far enough gone not to care that teachers cruised my to research on potential trouble makers. Hedging my bets I did insist on one thing there on The Avenue; everyone called me Sadie. I pretty much gave up my car to Greg in favor of rides with Robyn, of course with a few detours on the way to indulge in some Homework Helper. A couple of afternoons she had cheerleading (she was still a senior), and I had no idea how she didnt kill herself doing those back flips and cartwheels. Some of those days Gwen picked me up to take me home and we stopped by the park for some pretty long make-out sessions. I invited her to share my stash, she took a snort of two but declined the tinfoil routine. I let her get away with it the first time but on her second refusal I asked her why not she shrugged, Ive set boundaries. I meant to analyze Gwens limits that weekend, to learn just how far I could stretch her at the edges, to judge how wide I might warp her self-imposed morality. Dont ask me why I felt the need to test this person that meant so much to me, to fathom her most personal thoughts, to coolly dissect her psyche. I only know that it was on the table for that Saturday until fate intervened. I completely forgot that they had the carnival coming to town, it was pretty much a local deal that had been going on since I was little, since Col was a tiny baby snoozing in his stroller which I never got because it was always so loud. Cheesy music at ear-splitting decibels, crazy clowns laughing maniacally, and the sweet smell of cotton candy, popcorn, and unsanitary animal wafting in your nostrils. We always went on the weekend and I always begged to go again so it would have looked pretty damn suspicious if I all of the sudden didnt want to go. Besides, I did want to go, I just wanted to go high. So when mom brought it up at dinner and said we were going to make a day of it and that I had to get up early, I cleared my throat almost as if I was going to protest; instead I asked if Robyn could come along. Again, Id made the perfect preemptory strike, she was so happy that I would participate without incident that she not only gave her blessing, she also let me ride in her car. Robyn was game, You bet Ill go, some of the guys there are so cute. Like I cared; you can guess what we did on the drive north. We arrived diamond-eyed behind dark glasses and sauntered around the fair grounds in tight jeans and tiny tank tops, turning more than a few heads. Damn you think theyd never seen girls before. Maybe they think were lezes. I smiled, Well your not Her eyes shot wideI guess I forgot to mention it, oops. You are? I nodded and she got the biggest grin on her face. Fabulous. Wanna give them a show? I licked my lips and grabbed the back of her neck pulling her in for a kiss. Wolf whistles made her pull away flushed and red-faced. She may have been a player in her own right but Im guessing shed never kissed a girl before. Wow she cleared her throat and smiled Now that was quite an experience. I laughed my ***** off at her flustered appearance, and seeing the looks on peoples faces; some horrified and some fascinatedwell it made my day. I mean how would you look seeing two pretty girls making out right there in front of a little kiddie ride? A few side shows later and Robyn and I excised ourselves from mom and Greg to in search for a bathroom. Instead we went to her car to powder our noses, then hurried to pee before we were missed. As we headed back to a tent where we left the parents a familiar form came striding in our direction. Nate. Attached, as if sewn on, was a girl, not more than 15 with a fashion doll body and a child actress face. Her shorts were low on her hips and high on her thighs and revealed a stud in her navel. I thought about turning and ducking into the swirling crowd but Sadie took over, Hey Nate! Great to see you again, she gushed Raped any schoolgirls lately? He maintained his frosty cool as his eyes leveled, Cant rape the willing. Thats what Ive heard. I turned to his sidekick, How about you? Are you willing? Still locked to Nate she quite obviously deflated; her face paled beneath an overdose of cover-up and cheap blush. Well have fun you two. Dont do anything I wouldnt do. I started away calling over my shoulder, Watch your back Barbie. Robyn wanted the whole story so I told her, then she shared her own sordid tale. I started crankin to keep up with schoolwork around gymnastics, cheerleading, student council, and all that other *****. Youd be surprised how many smart kids get high, (I immediately thought of Bette when she said this, with all of the stuff that she had going on could she have been partying with the monster? I doubted it highly) and with so much around I thought it would be easy to score. Sometimes it goes dry. During one particular drought I was hurtin for certain, and went looking for a new source. I found him in an arcade cruising for fresh meat. He flashed a bindle and I followed him outside to his car. I still cant believe I was stupid enough to get inside. He drove east for a while to some deserted field. After a couple of snorts he was all hands, all over me. When I told him to stop he said, Its a long way back, even if you dont get lost. Anyway we both know what kind of girl you are. It stung but not much. All I could do was ask for more crank so maybe I could halfway enjoy it. I didnt. He was dirty, smelly, like he hadnt showered in days; after he started he got mean ya know? He did things to me”terrible things, Ive still got the scars”no sane person would ever do. Of course he wasnt exactly sane, afterward I guess neither was I. Now you might think that an experience like that would serve as a stern warning, make a person do a quick about-face and sprint in the other direction. It didnt happen like that for Robyn, or for me. Before I met the monster life had a certain rhythm. An easy downhill flow most of the time. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, a segue of perpetual motion. Everything in its proper place, at its proper time. Even my moms alcoholism became routine and expected. Morning alarms, kitchen clatter, school bells, teacher talk, locker clang, hallway laughter, slamming doors, after school hang-outs with a now ex, homework, music, TV. My contentment thrived in repetition, routine, familiarity. But now nothing felt right, nothing seemed proper but getting out, getting away, getting crazy, getting high. My first problem was school. Getting up in the morning only moments after finally falling into a state of semi-sleep. Finding clean clothes, I was supposed to do laundry but who the ***** could remember. I sucked down coffee, nibbled a half cup of honey sweetened cornflakes for a slight rush of caffeine and carbs. I caught a ride with Robyn or one of the other Avenue friends (yes my car was officially Gregs), and coaxed myself awake with a whiff of white. Twenty minutes just hanging around the campus before my first class, tempering my morning buzz with nicotine. Stumbled into my first class probably a little late, hoping no one would really notice, I made some classes and cut others deciding which was which my which I didnt make it to the day before. And I somehow managed to convince myself life with the monster wasnt routine. My second problem was relationships. My old friends were safely tucked away like treasures regulated to tokens of yesterday. My new friendships were faulty ground to cultivate and build a future upon. Old girlfriends, a short list, abbreviated even more my distance. New girlfriends, there was one definite, but distractedthere was not shortage of wannabes though, guys and girls. My parents, the ever present shade dimming my sparkle; kryptonite to quell my bid for superpower; all of the teachers, counselors, and preachersthey were all scaffolding, now crumbling under the weight of the monster. The third problem was my connections. How to get high and stay that way, because coming down was a ***** and a half. Finding meth wasnt really difficult, most of my new crowd knew someone who dealt, or knew someone who knew someone who did. Usually getting what you paid for was more problematic, unless you went straight to the source. Even then things got iffy; stoners arent the most reliable people and even they agree. I fronted years of hoarded allowances, birthday gifts, and saved paychecks, but it sometime resulted in disappointing returns. Plus, my bank account was dwindling fast. And number four, problem four was feeling good; it was the biggest problem of all. You know how riding real fast in a car, or a spectacular takeoff in a jet gives you an awesome adrenaline rush? You know how spotting an eagle cruising low over the treetops, or watching a baby master the try-try-again of walking makes you glow all over? You know how singing a beautiful song with dead-on pitch, or getting every test answer right, including the extra credit brainteaser; makes you feel like you could take on the world? And you know how waking up to perfect skies, enough sunshine to warm you, not to bake you, or watching the silent fall of quarter sized snowflakes gives you delicious shivers of pleasure? Well, somewhere on my stroll with the monster, Id lost all those things. Feeling good became a matter of scale. One to ten, ten being one step shy of shredding the time-space continuum, one being ten steps shy of dropping flat in my tracks. Every increment required meth or more meth. I didnt have to go all the way up, but up I did need to go. After a while I could almost make believe food didnt taste like carboard, I could almost float down into REM sleep, almost function the next day, almost look forward to my 19th birthday. I would celebrate several ways. One was with mom and Greg, we would take a trip to San Francisco to play tourist on Fishermans Wharf, scarf too much seafood, shop Ghiradelli Square, and visit grandma to see just how far she had slipped away into the underworld of dementia. We wound up going down the weekend before and it was just how Id imagined. I knew things had taken a turn for the worse when grandma stood up in church and yelled, I have to go to the bathroom. Flying relatively hard on the monster I laughed like a lunatic all the way home. It made mom mad and made me wonder in insanity swam in our gene pool. During one of her better moments grandma drew me aside, put one finger to a cracked lip and whispered, Tina, dear, Ive got something here I want you to have. A tentative hand stretched toward mine and grandmas eyes sparkled, glass under rain. My grandmother gave this to me on my 18th birthday, its a little late, but here. It was a beautiful gold locket, 24 karat with an inlay of diamonds, but the really priceless treasure was inside. Thats my wedding picture, and my grandmothers there. Both women wore ivory lace. A simplicity made lovely with a spray of yellow roses, and my locket. I just ask you one thing. Please pass it on to your own granddaughter? Of course Grandma. Thank You! It felt like wealth around my neck, a wealth of love. Celebration number two. My birthday fell on a Friday night. After dinner my mom broke out the cake and presents, a nice pair of jeans, a sweater, and a pair of diamond stud earrings. I hope you like them. I love them, thanks mom. What wasnt to like? I went to look in the mirror. The stones were magnified by the pale bathroom light, like my glowing guilt. Mom came in behind me. I wanted you to have something special. I watched her in the mirror and she reached out like she was going to touch memaybe if she had followed through everything that came after wouldnt have. I feel like I lost you Christina. I guess it had to happen sometime, its really as much my fault as it is yours. It was a pretty stunning confession, and a lot of it may have been true a few months ago. But now, okay maybe she distanced herself through work and Greg, but the monster was a mightier intruder. Please be careful. Im worried that youve made some bad choices, just dont let them go from bad to worse. Half of me wanted to whine, wanted to rage and get right up in her face and shout, What about your bad choices mom? Have you ever stopped to think how they not only helped create me, but helped mold me into the not-so-fine, not-so-upstanding, old-beyond-her-years, not-exactly-a-lady standing in front of you? The other half told me to shut up, smile, told me to find a hint of contrition and agree, Youre right mom, some of my choices havent been the best lately. I promise to try harder to do the right things, and make you proud of me. Considering I had made plans with Gwen for celebration number three; plans that might very well test just how bad my choices had become, guess which half won.