My name is Tina. But it was Sadie who got me on my feet and helped me to the care. It was she who put me on the seat, kept me semi-upright on the long ride home. It was Sadie that staunched the flow of blood and straightened up my clothes, unsmeared the makeup, brushed hair smooth, willed strength against the aching that was claiming my body and soul. Sadie understood, wasted on crank, there was nothing I could do but plot future revenge. Not a blink of remorse, Nate didnt say a word most of the way home. He drove slowly, just under the limit. And I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He didnt look so perfect anymore. His nose had a bump and his eyebrows almost joined, and I knew what he was made of. Finally he found a few words, his thank you for the gift I had given him; I will never forget them, If Id have known youd just lay there, I wouldnt have bothered. Have you ever had so much to say that your mouth closed up tight, struggling to harness the nuclear force coalescing within your words? Have you ever had so many thoughts churning inside that you didnt dare let them escape, in case they blew you wide open? Have you ever been so angry that you couldnt look in the mirror for fear of finding the face of evil glaring back at you? I stared at Nate, trying to find some words, any words, to express the terror of those minutes, the horror of his violation, the humiliation at his benediction. But my mouth closed up tight around that nuclear force building inside, thought after thought churning; the evil in my core threatening to fillet me. Would you think it a mercy killing? Nate pulled up at the foot of my driveway and didnt so much as glance my way until I opened the door and creaked to the curb. Then he turned and tossed the remainders of the bindle at my feet. You owe me $250. Do you believe I actually paid up? I stumbled up the driveway wanting so desperately to shed the lingering traces of eau de Nate. Even messed up I realized I couldnt very well go inside and straight to the shower. Someone might wonder. I aimed for my neighbors hot tub; she was cool, an older woman who moved into the house after her daughter had moved out, she let me use it whenever I felt like it. And I felt like it. I threw back the cover and almost gagged at the chlorine stench. I didnt care. Steamy water bubbled around me, over me, inside me; while the monster laughed out loud. Cleansed, chlorinated to the point of a chemical peel, sore muscles relieved, I almost felt human again. I tiptoed to my room up the creaky steps, through the darkened hall, past closed doors. I wondered if Id ever feel completely human again. I was exhausted, but too buzzed to sleep so I pulled out some stationary and began to write, Dear Dorian, Its always great to hear from you, youre a regular well of information. Why isnt any of it ever good? Tell Andy I hope his new girlfriend gives him herpesor worse. How is it going with Giselle? Were her parents on something when they named her? I sure she gets high if youre attracted to her. Have you two done the dirty yet? As for me Ive got a girlfriend and a boyfriend. The first is too busy to keep me out of trouble and the other just raped me. I think it was rape, anyway. Can you define the word for me? Do I sound bitter? I better close this now, I need to crymaybe you didnt want to hear that. Love you, too, TSadie I couldnt even think of what to write Bette, I got one sentence out : Dear Bette, I need you, come home. Always, Tina. It was mean and selfish, so mean that it made me feel better, but not quite good enough. I could only think of one way to make things all better, okay so maybe it wasnt the best way to climb above my mounting state of depression but it definitely did the trick. I had to laugh it was so simple; I just had to open the bindle calling me on behalf of the monster. It was closed to empty; we did a lot but not a whole eight ball. I was beginning to think he pilfered a bit. Nate a thief? Almost unbelievable! Conservation was the key to seeing me through until morning when I could call Gwen. Conservation in fact, could be the solution; the solution to staying high and still maintaining my way through class work, homework, and family dinners. I knew I wouldnt be able to manage it all straight anymore. I couldnt manage not to sink into a swamp of self-pity; quicksand for a fractured psyche. Tina crumbled, I called for Sadie. Brain waved ping-ponging inside my skull, no hope of sleep or easy egress to a plane where memory could not intrude, I bent my head, submitting to shame. Why had I gone? What had I done? Who would want me now? How could I deny the state of my being or my part in its disintegration? No way to elude the bitter bite of blame I tried to lay the nights events on anyone but myself. I couldnt. I had to tried to play Nate and he turned the tables. He was the grand master player and I was new to the game. The game replayed over and over all night long like a cable TV horror flick. I laid in bed memorizing every scene, every line, every plot twist. Finally sunshine trickled through the blinds, dust danced in its beams. The house filled with the everyday footsteps, voices, coffee, perfume. There was nothing new, nothing unusual, nothing except me. I whiffed a line of willpower, got up and dressed in ratty clothes; hair and teeth unbrushed. I went into the kitchen and poured a huge cup of coffee, then lied my ***** off about the date. Heres the strategy, answer before they ask. Mom didnt even so much as snarl when I told her I couldnt go to breakfast with Gregs parents. As soon as I saw tail pipe I called Gwen. Half an hour later she drove up the driveway. One look and she knew, Whats the matter Tina? Too much fun last night, come in. My mom may have accepted that lie, but Gwen was different. Youre buzzed, but I can tell theres more. So much for deceit, for accepting blame, so much for never telling a soul; I broke down like rotting rafters. Tell me what happened. She said, rushing to my side. I told her everything; start to finish in minute detail. She gathered me up and glued me back together. ***** *****. Ill kill him. I shook my head tossing tears and thin streams of snot. It was my fault. She grabbed my shoulders. No it wasnt! Nate knew what he was doing. She pulled me so close it almost hurt, and then laid her head against my heaving chest. And then, hard assed Gwen Chase cried. Oh God, Im so sorry Tina. I shouldve been there for you. I was stunned, I kissed her forehead, kissed away her tears. I looked in her eyes and she told me, I love you Tina. Eyes cant lie can they? With clarity I knew, I love you too. Dont say it unless you mean it. Did I mean it? Nate was a nightmare, Giselle or no Giselle what about Dorian? And Bette? You could snap my heart in two. I thought of the letters in my room, the ones that poured from me hours before. If I mailed it Its bending now. I shifted and the throb in my thighs reminded me of the somewhat new me. But what about last Come on, that doesnt matter to me. I smiled. Your so beautiful when you smile. She kissed me then, so sweetly I truly felt beautiful, despite the ugliness that would always remain; there was only one persons lips that could be close to Gwens. Do I even need to say her name? No one can take you from you Tina. Tears slipped from my eyes and she absorbed everyone, sponging my regret. I promise never, never to hurt you. I wanted her to prove it, needed her to. Make love to me. I could feel she wanted to. I want to, you know I do. But not today. I was relieved, disappointed. A flash flood of love and a surge of need so deep it went beyond the monster. Please Gwen? I need to feel what its like when two people want to again, I havent felt loved in a while. You will, Ill take you there again, but not until youre healed. I didnt understand. Its only a few bruises Gwen. I meant not until youre free of dreams of yesterday. When we make love, the only people there should be you and me. She was right. Bette lingered in my heart constantly, but I dont know if Id ever be over her. Dorian was still there somewhere, but fading. Nate would haunt me, a shadow. When youve gotten rid of the ghosts here and here, she pointed at my head and then to my heart, Ill be here. And anticipation is half the fun. I smiled and nodded. Besides I should get outta here before your mom comes back. You wanna go out for a smoke? Soft drifts of nicotine filled my lungs, soothing one hunger. Gwen held me close to her warm skin. Kinda funny Tina, before you I thought love was making love. Now waiting only makes me love you more. They were powerful words, strong enough to latch on to me, bear some weight and lift me, induce buoyancy, float me in a brilliant blue sky above the reach of personal demons. I was so peaceful, beyond distress and self-incrimination. I wanted to stay there forever, which was impossible of course. Gwen drove away and almost immediately fantasy dissolved like sugar stirred into saltwater, the real world clamped down around me and slammed me down to Earth. I tried to beat my mom inside but she was right on my heels as I went through the door. Who is that girl that just left? Busted, I had to tell her something. A friend. What kind of friend? I didnt know what to say, how to say it, the last time I was caught in the act, no chance to disprove theory. I just stared at her. I asked you a question. Okay so Ill tell her what she doesnt want to hear. Gwen is my girlfriend. Girlfriend? Shes hardly your type. Anger bubbled and I gritted my teeth, maybe she wasnt so cool with the ***** thing, I dont have a type mother. Well at least someone who didnt dress like trailer trash, some one decent. What a guy? Or rich? What like Nate? Exactly. What happened to him? I was prepared. We didnt really hit it off. How understated could I be huh? But he was so nice, so polite. I tried to bite my tongue and it didnt work. He wasnt so nice mom. What do you mean? He wasall over me. She looked at me without sympathy. Why didnt you tell me before. I took dead aim at her. I didnt think youd care, apparently I was right. She was leveled. How you ever felt like you one upped your mom? Its an exhilarating feeling. She stuttered coughed, and couldnt say a word because somewhere inside she knew she was wrong. So I pushed even harder. You always told me to never judge a book by its cover, well at least when you were straight enough that you could talk, practice what you preach mom. Two clichs dont really make for deep conversation but I didnt expect it anyway. I started toward my room but paused on the steps, I mean look at you and me, on the surface we look so normal. Her face contorted, emphasizing every wrinkle she tried so desperately to hide. Take a peak inside our family album, or maybe look back a few months if you can remember, you like what you see? Do you think that was mean? I guess, but it felt so great, it made me grin. Sort of sick or what? Light headed and giddy form my absolute bluster (lack of food and dose of nicotine), I skipped up the hall singing. You know that Queen song about paying dues and doing time, no crime committed? Oh that Freddy Mercury. What a waste. That guy was really something” a rebel and worse; in a day when it was supposed to be okay to experiment that way. No condoms, just good ***** fun. I guess we know better now. As I thought about that I had to wonder; what will we know better about tomorrow? Who cares? Hindsight is useless. Even looking back now things seem a bit muddled. I was weedingI hate allergies, guess how I spent my following Saturday? Wound up on Claritin enhanced crank. It wasnt so bad. Yank. Think. Tug. Consider. I would put Dorians letter in the mail, not Bettes I couldnt do that to her. Water. Soak in. Watch mom and Greg drive away. I would never tell another soul about Nate. Yank. Think. Tug. Consider. I would make love with Gwen soon. I started to come down, I went inside for a toot and noticed my stash was two snorts away from gone. I needed to make a cash withdraw tomorrow. I finished up weeding and went to the 7-Eleven for a Coke and chips. I came back and called Gwen. Okay so no answer, no sweat. Or okay, a little sweat. If I couldnt get crank from Gwen who could I get it from? I thought and thought, bouncing ideas in my head. I finally came up with one person. I was coming down so I figured it was alright to drive. I hoped in my car and headed to Gavins hoping Robyn (his sister) was home and in the mood to share some information, vital information to a person desperate for a new connection. Timing is everything and mine was impeccable that day. Robyn answered the door, quite noticeably strung. Oh, hi. Gavs not home. He went shopping with my mom. Cool, I wanted to see you. Can I come in? I eased through the door a bit. I dont know, the uhhouse is a mess. I looked around and it was neat as a pin. It smelled like crank however. I suspected Gavin and his mom werent expected back anytime soon. Whats up Tina? Cant it wait until tomorrow? Relax, Im not a narc. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the semimutilated bindle. Robyns pupils went huge. I thought youd lost some weight. Its better than the Atkins diet, huh? Its a helluva lot more fun. We laughed and I offered to share the last of my stash. Do you have a mirror? Dont tell me your still snorting? Havent you tried smoking it? She was the first to even suggest it. Robyn, little high school cheerleader, proceeded to show me a whole new way to get down with the monster. We went to her room and locked the door, sitting on her bed. Robyn produced a V of crusty foil and tapped in the last crumbs of powder. This little bit will go right to your brain and wont clog your sinuses. It wont stay there, draining little by little. You blow straight through the roof in one giant puff of smoke. Its an awesome rush, and you dont stay awake for days. She handed me the stub of a Slurpee straw and showed me how to hold it just above on end of the V. When it starts to smoke, suck fast. Hold it in as long as you can. Robyn held a match just below the yellow powder; it browned, bubbled and smoked. A waft traveled up the V. Here it comes, dont let it get away. Oh god, that smells good. It tasted nasty but it took me higher than ever before. The monster pirouetted in my brain. My turn. Dont hold the match to close to the foil or itll burn. In seconds Robyn was flying. Instant bonding. She didnt even blink when I asked if she could score. Youve got the money, I can get the crank. For a small finders fee of course. I didnt expect any less. We planned to meet up the next day. I went home feeling better than I had in a long, long time.