Well, I grabbed another one. Even if I didn’t have another one, I would find a way to sharpen the broken one.

I stare at the notebook for long moments, thinking of anything and everything I can fill it’s pages with. None of it will matter, I’m sure, but between me and this notebook… I’m glad something will be full in time.

Nobody would believe the shit that happens inside my head.

It’s never happy or good. Think of any bad thought, any at all. I’ll bet you I’ve thought it at least one hundred times. More, possibly.

It’s haunted

Cynical, sarcastic, rotten, plain evil shit. Just replaying over and over again in my head.

My mind is a place scarier than the scariest movie you’ve ever seen. Scariest place you’ve ever been. Scariest situation you’ve ever been through, survived, or dealt with.

Now I’ve come down from the drugs, and it seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.

First thought in any person’s mind before an addiction occurs: “That could never happen to me. I’m solid.”

Bullshit.

I’m no different. When the people I used to call friends found out about what I had been up to, they told me to stop. It’ll take over your life. That it just plain wasn’t any good.

Obviously I didn’t listen. I was stuck in that mind set of “it couldn’t happen to me”. But, now, I’m stuck with something else.

Thirty minutes ago I could have killed somebody. Or better yet… myself.

I’m starting to think that that may be the best solution. I mean, I can’t take those walks if I’m dead, right? It could stop that way. Though, it’s a little extreme.

I’m satisfied with the entry now. I close the notebook, toss the pencil to the other side of the table, and my eyes focus on the next closest thing. My prize. No… not a prize. It’s not important. Just necessity. But I do suppose necessities are important. My prize. My necessity. My controller. My keeper.

Everything I do revolves around it. Only way to escape it is to use it.

How fucking ironic.

I draw in a deep breath, grab my necessity, and go at my business.

Later on I find myself sitting on the floor against a wall. My head lolling back and forth. Hardly able to keep my eyes open. Then I hear it.

Sounds that resemble a knock at the door, but that’s not it. It’s inconceivable. Nobody comes here. No one visits.

I figure I must just be hearing things when the sound comes again. Even if I wanted to go check the door, I couldn’t. I can’t move. Can’t lift an arm, wiggle my toes. Barely able to keep my eyes open.

The next sound isn’t knocking but a door opening urgently. Now I know I must be hearing things. I locked that door. But it doesn’t take a complete idiot to wiggle around a credit card and unlock it.

Someone’s here, but I can’t go find them.

“Hey! Is anyone here?”

Confirmation. I’ve just lost my mind. I know that voice, but it’s not possible.

“I know you’re here, where are you?!”

I’d yell back, but I can’t speak. Can’t move, can’t speak. Can’t do anything.

I hear footsteps now. They’re getting closer. She knows where I am, she’s not stupid.

“Shit!”

I see her shadow in the floor in front of me, but I can’t look up to actually face her. Even if I could, I wouldn’t.

I know by now that she’s caught sight of the needle in my loosely closed fist. She knows what I’ve done.

She’s knelt down in front of me now. Her hands on my face trying to get me to look at her, asking me if I can hear her. Saying my name over and over again.

Yeah, I can hear you, I wanna say. I’m trying to speak.

The only thing that comes out of my mouth is: “Sp—”

And that’s it. I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. Her voice keeps echoing in my head then slowly gets further and further away. I’m numb and can’t feel her anymore.

My world goes black.

-~-