Heartless, you say? Well, fuck you. Who are you to judge?

I’ve started a new diary, and this time I have a few new reasons.

Like I said, it’s been a while since the last time I had kept a diary. Lately it’s just been lists. To Do lists. But they’re always the same. They kept becoming so similar, that I finally just kept the same one on a daily basis. I take it wherever, folded up in my pocket for safe keeping.

That list only contains three to do’s, but I figure it’s just about all I can offer myself.
1. Get up.
2. Survive.
3. Go back to bed.

That’s it. Pretty basic. Easy, you might say. Well, you don’t live the way I do.

But that’s irrelevant. Back to the diary reasons.

One, I have no friends left.

I used to have friends. A close circle. The kind of friends most people kill for. Trusting, loyal, true. All that happy bullshit.

I even had a girlfriend. You can’t imagine how much it hurts me to think about her. Every time I do, my heart breaks all over again. But that’s no one’s fault but my own. She was perfect, and I screwed it up.

Flowing blonde hair, blue eyes you could sink into and get lost for hours on end, a touch that ignited fires within my soul, a voice of reason. The love of my life.

But that’s the past. They all left when the necessity became more important than they were. When I needed it more than I needed them.

It’s not like I planned for it to happen, no one does. Shit happens, you do things to get rid of the sting, and then you can’t stop. You’re stuck for life.

I’ve sorta kept in contact with my old friends. Sporadic hellos here and there. That’s about it.

Not her, though. No. I haven’t talked to her since that point in time when she gave me a wake up call… but I didn’t answer.

Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before.

I wake up most days and can’t remember a single thing I did the day before. I doubt it’s even relevant, but that’s not the point.