Growing tired of bedside resolve
Public display of depression
Something’s got to give now
Something’s going to break down
I grow tired of writing songs
While people listen but never hear what’s really going on now
Tell me what’s so wrong now        

I eventually wandered my way back to the apartment.  Vanessa wasn’t there, oddly, she had no place to go in this city.  She had mentioned vaguely the thought of visiting some old friends.  Even so, I didn’t think that was where she had gone.  I stumbled my way to my bedroom, intoxicated without alcohol, and inside I left all the lights off except for a small lamp in the corner.  My notebook lay open from earlier, lyrics splayed out on the pages.  I recalled how every time I had let someone else read them they had either asked me what they meant or went on a tirade about how they completely understood where I was coming from.  They never understood where I was coming from.

Clap your hands all ye children
There’s a clamor in your whispering
Clap your hands tonight
Hear what the silence screams
Clap your hands
Clap your hands now all ye children
Clap your hands all ye children
There’s a clamor in your whispering tonight

Talking to Spencer that night was not at all what I had wanted.  It was probably exactly what I needed.  To be slapped back into reality.  Vanessa was too nice about it, she was almost too patient.  She always waited for me to see the consequences of my mistakes, never yelling at me for sleeping with some whore or drinking myself into Candyland.  She was what I had needed at the beginning of this ride, someone to gently convince me that I was worth more than the price tag I had once carved into my arm.  Worthless.  But now that I knew there was some reason for me to be alive and on this earth, I didn’t need to take the baby steps anymore.  Maybe she understood that, knew that I needed some time to myself to wallow in self-deprecating sorrow for just a few hours.

For most who live and breathe
Hell is never knowing who they are now
Tell me who you are now
Finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?