There are some things in ordinary life that always makes me feel like she is with me, even in those moments when we’re physically thousands of miles apart. Most of the time it’s the silence. It’s the sound of nothing that speaks between us and let’s us know that we’re alive somewhere deep down under. Buried alive somewhere.

It’s recurring. Our silence has always been able to speak hundreds of languages and it never mattered in what way I was saying it, because it always speaks the truth.

That is probably why I’m sitting here right now. In silence. Alone. Leaning against the end of the hotel bed, gazing at the rising sun. It feels like I’ve been here for hours. And you’re right beside me. As a silence. A calmness.

I could say that all of this has been truly overwhelming. That everything has been a mind blowing experience but the truth is, the truth is, I expected all of this. All of it. I expected everything. Everything and nothing. Because there are some things I never have and never will deny. You are one of those things. And you might not come back, and if not then I’ll know that we’ve had decent and courteous closure. Some things you don’t have to talk about. Sometimes eyes tell you enough. Sometimes it’s cracks and openings that tells it all. But most of the time it’s the silence.

And you’re silence at the beach was everything. And nothing.
It wasn’t like anything else.
It wasn’t like that night you left me.
It wasn’t like that time when we laid sprawled out on the grass, squinting our eyes against the sun, baring our souls and our undying love.
It was a silence of its own.
A silence I cannot, for the love of my life, explain.
And that is why I don’t know what to expect.

But I could just leave it here. I could just let it be.
Because it was a silence that could suit me. Satisfy me. A silence I know would let me be. Let me breathe.

There is a cat breaking the silence with a meow somewhere. I don’t quite know where. And I don’t know why either. For a split second it shatters the silence and I suddenly wonder why it did so. Why didn’t it feel the calmness in the air?
Maybe it was a warning. Maybe it was in danger. Maybe it was just happy.
It’s hard to know sometimes.
But it has got nine lives, that is what I’ve heard and I can’t even count all of the times I’ve wished for the same destiny.