I could have disagreed with her. But she was saying the truth and I still hadn’t found any sympathy for her. Maybe that meant I was being a bitch at that point but I felt I had every right to.

"I know it doesn’t change anything but if I could go back and do it over, I would. I would’ve stood up for myself as soon as I fully accepted that I loved you. I don’t regret being with you or falling for you or loving you. I do regret that I hurt you. I just hope that you can forgive me for it. I understand if you don’t though. I understand if…"

She paused to take a deep breath. I looked at her and saw she was trying her hardest to stop a fresh wave of tears.

"…if you never want to see me again. I mean if I were you I probably wouldn’t. I said I’ll be here when you get back and I meant it. I’m just hoping that you do come back. Actually I’m hoping that you won’t leave at all. You are without question the most important person in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I really don’t want to think about it. I’d probably spend every day going through the motions of life without actually feeling anything because if you go, you’ll be taking my heart with you."

Before I even knew it my voice had risen and I was yelling at her.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Spencer do you realize every time you left my house to be with him you took my heart with you? You wanna talk about going through motions? Imagine what it was like to be in my position, trying to be around you while you were with him, having to act like I was happy for the two of you. Trying to be strong every time we were together, steeling myself for the moment you’d walk out the door. And trying to make sure you didn’t see how much you hurt me. God, that’s something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy."

I started to pace the hallway. I was pissed to say the least.

"Ashley?"

"No. You know what, you need to go."

I made toward my room but she grabbed my wrist and forced me to look at her. She looked about as good as I felt all week. Despite it all her touch still sent a shock though me.

"Please. Don’t go."

"Spencer I love you and no matter how much I don’t want to, I always will. But right now, I need to be alone. I can’t deal with this right now."

I shook my hand free from her and opened the door.

"Fine. But I’m not leaving this hallway until we figure something out."

"Whatever. That’s your choice."

And with that I slammed the door and slid down it, head in my hands, exhausted.

———-

Two hours passed and I hadn’t moved much. I kept looking at the ceiling trying to sort things out.

Why was this so hard? She loved me, I loved her. Why the hell couldn’t I figure out what to do?

I couldn’t understand any of it. If it was too much then why the hell did she keep seeing us both? She knew how much she was hurting me but continued to do so. Could I forgive her for that? Probably. I just didn’t know when. Should I just leave? Would she keep to her word if I did? Did I want to risk it? If I stayed would things be different this time?

My brain just wouldn’t shut down. I had never wanted a Valium more than right then. At least I’d stop worrying about everything.

I stood up and sighed. I quietly opened the door and peeked out. She was across the hall, knees up, arms over her knees, sleeping. I sat down in the doorway and watched her for a few minutes. I had to do something. I just didn’t know what the something was.

I walked over to her and managed to carefully scoop her up without waking her. I brought her in the room and tucked her into the bed. I collapsed into the chair and quietly cried myself to sleep.