The radio…I’ll just turn that on. Maybe it will help me leave this place I’m at and calm down.

Dear O.F.

Today I think my body has gone through a car wash, a rollercoaster, and a 30 foot drop from a building. Ashley-Aiden-Ashley-Aiden-Aiden-Ashley-Aiden-Ash…confusion. That’s what has been going through me all day. It’s only mid afternoon but I feel like I have made no progress in my actual life today. I haven’t touched my work, didn’t bother turning on my computer, turned over my answering machine full of messages so that that red flashing number wouldn’t taunt me, I haven’t taken a single phone call, avoided all human contact and didn’t leave my office for lunch because the thought of food made me nauseas. I am here, just sitting at the desk in my office. Hiding. Hiding from Aiden, hiding from Ashley, hiding from myself. I can’t go back to that place again…I’m drifting into the past and I don’t know if I hate her…it. I think I’m gonna have to talk to Aiden, and soon.

♥ -S
………………………………

Putting down her pen she rests her head on the chairs back to take in the presence of the music trying to drown her thoughts.

If I could write I’d set all the words free to follow you
Tell you wonder, tell you secrets and solitude
I’ve had to let go of so much it’s hard to hold on now
Something far off is pulling me
And when I go this time I don’t think I’m coming back

Desire’s the element that I can’t fight
Dream is the arm of God
Girl’s looking for themselves in your eyes
I’m looking for you
What’s this supposed to be some kind of perfect
I want more
But when I go this time I don’t think I’m coming back

The song ended and she felt as if it made it more complicated than peaceful. “Damn song!”

God I want so bad to run away from myself and the hell that is torturing my body. My head and my heart are feuding. My head is telling me that he has been there for me through a lot of shit and my family just adores him. I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. This is so frustrating because on the other hand my heart tells me that she is my everything. I have never wanted, desired, or felt the way I do about her.

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“If I Could Write” by Sam Phillips