I bet you all can guess what I did right? Of course. How could not? When she walked into my room that night, all I remember her saying is “Why would you do this to me?” And to this day, this question haunts me. It torments my soul. And even some five years later, I still can’t give any answer. How do you answer a question like that? How do you even begin to rectify what I did?

I could have stopped at moment in time. But I didn’t. I kept going and going. I bet she really thought we were going to get back together. There were so many times that I wanted to. So many times I just wanted to call her up, and tell her how sorry I was for hurting her. But I couldn’t. I could never apologize for what I did.

I lay awake most nights in bed. My room is covered in pictures of Ashley. You can barely see the wall. I keep them up there as a reminder of what I lost. Of the person I destroyed. There’s this one picture of us. We’re smiling under the pier. We were with Aiden and Kyla. Ashley was sitting in my lap. She said something and I looked up at her with a smile. I never knew Aiden even took the picture until one day I saw it at his house.

Her smile. Man, it could light a room. That’s what I loved most about her. Her smile. I wish I could see her smile again. During those weeks, I never saw her smile once. Her face held no emotion. I did that. I took her smile away. And I never told her I was sorry. I took life from her, and never once said I was sorry. Three simple words. And I couldn’t do it.

I still see her face in my dreams. And it hurts. All I can see anymore when I close my eyes is what I did to her. And the crazy thing is that I still wanted her to be in my life, but I let my pride and jealousy get in the way. I want to touch her. To taste her. To hold her in my arms. How I long to hold her, and be held by her. I miss her touches. Her gentle caresses. I miss everything about her. And what kills me is that I know I can want until the end of time, and I will never get it back.