Summary: Takes place after Locked Up. The relationship between Cherie and Shane comes to a head and explodes when Steve finds out, Dana gets a lesson in love, and someone finally straightens Alice out.

————————————————

“…and then I had this idea that it would be great fun to go on another little vacation, you know? I could get us discounts on all the best Olivia Cruises and you could even get a boat that wouldn’t interrupt your training. Mr. Piddles would have to stay behind of course, but no cat wants to be in the middle of the sea anyway, right? Right. I was also thinking that maybe…”

Alice tried with all her might to avoid looking bored to tears by Tanya’s endless stream of words that vaguely resembled “yackity-yack”, but that was easier said than done. The urge to say “It’s like she’s trying to speak to me, I know it!” was also hard to overcome, but Alice liked to think of herself as a fighter. On the upside, she found a small (small being the keyword) amount of amusement in the look on Dana’s face, which was a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and giddiness. Alice sighed, secretly hoping that Dana would hear the piteous tone of her sigh and take pity, but no such salvation occurred. She turned her eyes to Shane. Interestingly enough, Shane was staring at her cell phone, which sat in front of her on the table, as if it was dumping her for someone who talked less during peak hours and used more night and weekend minutes. She scooted closer to her shaggy-haired friend and, ever so slyly (aka through the side of her mouth) whispered, “What’s wrong with you?”

Shane’s shoulders jerked in surprise, causing her hand to spasm and knock her cell phone across the table. But the chain reaction didn’t stop there, oh no. Alice closed her eyes miserably as the phone hit Dana’s coffee shot glass, which slid gracefully across the remainder of the table and right into Tanya’s lap. Oh, the humor. Oh, the laughter. Oh, the reasons why Alice couldn’t laugh. Instead, she smeared a horrified look across her face and stood up at the same time as Shane, narrowly avoiding bumping heads.

“Ah, ***** me! *****, I’m sorry Tanya,” apologized Shane as she reached for a napkin.

“No, it’s fine. I was going to give these pants to charity anyway,” cooed Tanya, though the look on her face indicated otherwise. “Dana, will you help me?”

Alice made a motion of gagging herself as Tanya giggled while Dana dabbed her lap with a napkin. Shane didn’t seem amused, and that was enough proof for Alice that something stinky was afoot-and it wasn’t just Tanya’s perfume. Hooking her arm around Shane’s, she said in her sweetest I-hate-your-*****-guts-voice, “Tanya, Dana… Shane and I are going to go… to the bathroom. You know… pee buddies. We’ll be back in a minute.” Without waiting for a reply, she half-dragged her silent friend to the restroom.

————————————————

“Okay, now what the ***** is wrong with you?”

Shane calmly leaned against one of the sinks. “Al, there’s nothing wrong. I’m fine.”

“No, see… since we came back jail you’ve been all… all… *****-less!” Alice pursed her lips when Shane looked up at her with raised eyebrows. “Yes, *****-less! Don’t think I haven’t notice the distinct lack of crying, barely-legal girls around here! What, are you going celibate on me now? ‘Cause it’s a little creepy, Shane.”

Finally, a smile broke across Shane’s face. She leaned closer to Alice and whispered conspiratorially, “Maybe I’ve lost my libido.”

Alice snorted an incredulous little snort. “Right, you’ve lost your libido, Dana’s straight and I’m a Republican.” Shane was laughing at her now. “No, really, Shane. You’ve been mopey pants for the past three days and I’m worried about you. I can barely ask Dana how her day was without Tanya slobbering all over her and Marina’s been practically beside herself twenty-four-seven. I don’t want you to go all weird on me too.”

Shane sobered in respect for Alice’s admission, but a rakish grin lingered in her eyes. “Al, it’s okay. I’m okay… it’s just been crazy around Lather these days and the Planet isn’t exactly staying my rock and foundation with Tanya here, Tina and Bette never around, and Marina losing her mind…”

“Yeah…” Alice jumped onto the sink next to her friend. “But are you sure you’re okay? Last time I saw you acting like this was when Melissa and Tammy broke up.”

“That’s not funny,” replied Shane, playfully shoving the blonde off the sink. “I was sad for like one day.” She pause thoughtfully. “I wonder if I could convince her to let me cut her hair…”

“Who, Tammy?”

“No, her hair’s too short. Melissa.” Shane leaned back and tipped her head upwards. “Tammy’s one ***** little blonde, though.” A companionable silence followed, then Shane suddenly slid off the sink with a loud, “*****!”

“What? What?” Alice backed up a few steps. “Forget something?”

“Yeah, I left my phone out there with Mrs and Mrs Fairbanks,” complained Shane as she practically bolted out the door.

Alice followed at a somewhat slower pace and paused to watch the scene as Shane rushed to the table, opened her cell, and stared at it with a worried expression. As the blonde approached, she heard Dana say, “Someone named Cherie called, but we told her you were in the bathroom. Cherie Jaffe… that’s what the caller I.D. said.”

“Well, did she say anything else? Did she sound mad?” questioned Shane, all but strangling Dana for information.

“No… she kinda sounded tired… Hey, who is Cherie anyway? I’ve never heard you talk about her but your phone history says you’ve called her like fifty times in the past two days,” said Dana with a frown. “What’s up with that? Shane?”

Quietly, realization hit Alice in the face. Cherie JAFFE?! She hadn’t connected the dots back at prison when Shane had said, “Cherie’s gonna get me.” No, she hadn’t even thought to make the connection between Hollywood’s self-crowned queen and the random name Shane had spit out. Carefully, Alice moved closer to Shane, who looked about ready to explode. In a quiet, neutral voice she queried, “Wait, wait, wait… Cherie Jaffe, Shane?” After several moments in which her friend neither confirmed nor denied this, Alice let out a long breath. “*****.”

“Who’s Cherie Jaffe?” asked Dana, eyes wide. “Alice?”

“Uhh… look, Dana, Shane and I… are gonna go. You and Tonya have fun doing… whatever it is you do.” Alice didn’t even bother to put on a smile as she grabbed Shane by the arm and pulled her toward the door. “Yeah, um… bye.”

————————————————

Outside, Alice pinned Shane with her best you-are-so-fucked gaze while Shane stared back at her as if she’d done nothing wrong. They continued this for around five minutes before Alice finally threw her arms in the air and hissed, “Do you know what the ***** you’ve gotten yourself into?”

Shane leaned against the wall, arms crossed defiantly as she answered, “This isn’t your business, Alice.”

Ooh, she used the entire name. Alice put a hand to her head. “Okay, look, Shane. Ever since I first figured out that ***** is what you do, I have not said a word about who or what you sleep with-” She ignored the look Shane gave her at the word ‘what’- “but do you know what happened last time Steve Jaffe caught his wife cheating?”

“Al, we’re not going to get caught. It’s… just… ah, just a thing.” Shane rubbed her hands through her hair.

The lack of eye contact did not go lost on Alice, who let out a frustrated breath and felt like slapping her friend. “Shane, the last time Cherie Jaffe cheated on her husband… he was hit by a bus on his way to work.”

Shane raised her eyes. “Guy should’ve stayed out of the street.”

“No, no, Shane.” Alice paused as a group of people walked into The Planet. When they were safely inside, she leaned very, very close to her friend and whispered, “Look, I was listening in on LA Magazine again and the gossip columnist was saying that Steve Jaffe is starting to believe his wife’s cheating on him. He’s on the lookout, Shane…”

“I get what you’re saying, Al, but it’s all good. I’m not gonna get caught and there’s no way I’m getting hit by a bus. Just… relax.” She put her hands on Alice’s shoulders. “I gotta go.”

Alice shook her head as Shane brushed past. “You’re going to call her, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am. And that’s my problem.” With that, Shane turned and walked to her pickup.

“*****,” muttered Alice as she watched Shane get into her vehicle and drive away. “This is not good.”