How she would fold her arms tight against her chest, tapping her finger against her arm. I loved it when she was angry, when she was mad; I loved it when she was happy. I hated it at the same time, how she would glare at me with this stare like she could kill me.

Do you miss me when you go to that place? Would you let me come one of these days? I promise I’ll be good…or bad. I know how you like that.

God I miss her…I never really realized how much I missed her. I never let myself think about her too much…I did this wedding once, for jenny’s boss. His daughter was getting married, and well let’s just says that I couldn’t get Carmen out of my head.

“We’ve gone over this Shane….if you don’t do this you won’t have much time.” time, I never got time. I don’t mean like time to myself just the whole thought of time.

Like who decided that there would be 60 seconds, 60 minutes, or 24 hours, or that there would be 365 days in a year. What is time? How do they measure it do. Why do we care?

“How much?” you know I never really cared about time with her…it just didn’t matter when I was with her.

All I wanted was to be with her, to never leave her side. To fuck her all night, all day non-stop till we fell exhausted in each others arms. To watch her sleep, the way her chest would rise and fall…I would love to say that I was watching it just to make sure she was breathing. But that would just be another lie…and I’m tired of lying.

Do you want to fuck her Shane? This nurse wants to fuck you, why not just jump in. I promise it’ll be fun … at least for her. She wants you Shane. She’s just waiting for you to make your move. I will lick you till you come a thousand times in my mouth.

Time is a cold bitch…there is either too much of it or never enough. How much time do I have left? Would he know? Can he tell me the hour? The minute? How about the second? Can he know? Is that even possible to know? More fucking questions.

“We don’t exactly know,” he won’t lie will he? “It could be months, it could be days…worse case scenario, and it might be hours.”

Seconds. Days. Hours… you don’t have any of it Shane. You don’t have time. You’re going to die. You’ll die when we say so. You’ll die whether or not you find her.

“Hey shaney,” Alice with her fake smile and strength that I wish I had. “You ready to get going?”

She looks at all of us and I can see her smile waver…I can see it in her eyes. What will happen to her? Will she break down? Will she lose her mind? Will she be strong about it? Why does this have to happen?

Shane, will you stay? Do you want to stay? What do you want to do Shane?

“I’m ready when you are…let’s get this part started.” I grab her hand and drag her out…hoping she’ll think I’m ok. I asked Doctor Morgan if they knew how bad it was…he said he wasn’t allowed to tell them. He said they weren’t family. What the fuck does he know?

Where is your family Shane? Shouldn’t they know? Maybe he knows something about it…they did say it was a family thing. What about shay, why don’t you go see him? He doesn’t know what’s wrong with you. Do you? What will happen to him Shane, with out you? Hey I know…let’s go back to the nurse.

“Shane?” she’s looking at her feet…she’s nervous, scared. “You’ll be ok, right?”

Lies, they smile and pull you in. they surround you, drown you and you say that it’s for the best. I wonder if she can still call my bullshit…if she’ll smile when I find her.