She was lying on the bed, her arm lain over another’s stomach. The playful light streaming through the window woke her gently. She became aware of her surroundings and the being next to her. Eyes fixated on the woman she had spent the night with.
She was simply beautiful. She had a rough exterior beauty that was quelled only by the artistic nature of her personality. Bette couldn’t deny her attraction and the sudden intensity of their relationship. She adored this woman that she held for most nights during the past few months. She gazed at her again. She was always struck by her beauty, her fiery nature, and the gentility she reserved for certain people, one of them her.
She followed the light on Jodi’s face with her finger, down past her soft cheeks, nose to her full inviting lips. She caressed them and stored away the memory of their softness as one of the things she loved about her. Running her fingers through the woman’s hair she held her closer and thanked a higher being for bringing this woman into her life at a time when she was faltering. As she held her, she placed the softest kiss upon her sweet lips. She savored it, wanting it to fill up her soul.
Yet, it did not.
As much as she wanted to feel every emotion with this woman, she couldn’t.
It was like a wave, ebbing back and forth. She stood there waiting for it to engulf her, yet it never even touched her toes. She just kept waiting to feel the cool, refreshing water. But she never did. Oh how she longed to. She wished she could step foward and feel, but something was holding her back. She tried to remember when she last felt that overwhelming feeling of fear and happiness, coexisting at the same time. Where the fear of drowning in that love was lost to the ecstasy and pleasure of being lost in it. She craved to feel it again, the thrill of not knowing where the wave was gonna take her, and to what depths the ocean would reach. The calm, comforting qualities of the ocean contrasting to the pain that it could cause. She had experienced that with Tina and she had never felt more alive.

With painful vibrato, she whispered, “Tina..”.

Thankfully her quiet yet constant sobs did not wake her bedmate, who she held onto for dear life, wishing it was the whispered name.

She wanted Tina to engulf her again in a powerful wave. She was willing to give the power back that she took away and denied her so many years ago. She wanted to feel the awesome force that was Tina’s love. Comforting yet frightening in its wake.
Bette wondered when.

She looked at the woman in her arms and a sudden determination came over her. She slowly slipped out of her lover’s embrace and held her hand for as long as she possibly could knowing it was the last time she would do so. She knew what she had to do in order to feel again. She had to take a risk and step foward, she knew where she was headed now…towards Tina.

Ch. 2
Bette opened the front door, dressed in the simplest clothing, quietly slipping out of the house.
In the bed she just left, Jodi stayed in her horizontal position. She had been awake when Bette traced her features and held her tightly. She heard when Bette called out Tina’s name in sobs. She was conscious when Bette dressed and left. She also knew that this moment was inevitable.
She would look into Bette’s eyes when a love song came on, when eating dinner, or when simply telling her about work that day. She also observed Bette when she spoke to Tina on the phone, or when she complained about Tina, and especially when speaking to her directly. Even in those moments when she was most angry at her ex-wife, there was a passion in her eyes not present when looking at Jodi. It wasn’t the same. Jodi knew this and accepted it. There was a hesitation in her eyes but Jodi stayed. She wanted to absorb every amount of Bette that was offered. She craved to find the fire inside Bette. But she knew it wasn’t hers to find.
On the bed, Jodi laid there paralyzed, one hand reaching the place Bette occupied only minutes ago. She cried quietly, the sobs contained in her chest, her body frozen. She already missed her touch. This wasn’t like her. Yet here she was on the bed, alone. One-sided like the relationship that just ended.

Ch. 3
The smooth jazz reached Bette’s ears, accompanying the slight sprinkle that beat against the windows. In a rush to Tina’s house, Bette had forgotten to turn off the radio. So she sat with the music, which strikingly contrasted the uproar of emotion inside her.
Another intersection passed, a bakery, some shops and then a park. At this light Bette just stared out the side window. It was the park. It wasn’t just any park to her. And on this early morning it held tremendous significance.
The picnic had been a surprise. Tina hadn’t suspected a thing because after all it was just another one of Bette’s sweet acts of love. Bette remembered when she would do little things for Tina, like picnics, romantic dates, and little lovesick poems. It was a period of time in which they cherished every moment together wanting nothing but to stop time and hold each other close, wherever they were. They forgot work and responsibilities belonging to the outside world. It was pure and fleeting.
Bette had kidnapped her at work and driven them away to the park. With the picnic basket emptied and the blanket spread, they just held each other watching the clouds move and the winds blow the grass. While holding Tina from behind, she whispered softly in her ear, “Tina…I love you.” No matter how many times Bette said that to her, it still made her weak. She replied, “I love you too baby…so much.”, while holding on tighter to the two strong arms that held her. Bette’s heart bursting with the love she had for this woman, she whispered “I never want to let you go… Tee, will you marry me? “. Her heart skipped a beat once the question fell from Bette’s lips. Her body at a standstill as Bette slipped the ring on her finger. She swiftly kissed Bette with tears in her eyes. Both sets of tears comingling with each other’s as they shared a tender yet passionate embrace. Feeling as if nothing could break the incredible commitment they just made.
Bette relived this memory while she sat on the grass of this park, under that same exact tree. Bette looked up at the sky and for the last time grieved the loss of that love. The purity of it all. Was it that long ago when she proposed to the love of her life? How could she have let that get away? The rain fell down her face, mixing with her tears, soaking into the fabric of her clothes. Observing how much time she had spent sitting on the grass, she stood up. She quickly broke out of her trance and was revived with the hope that she could capture that love again.
Ch. 4
By the time Bette returned to her car, the radio station had settled on a melancholy song. Something slow yet moving with its deep baseline and drawn out notes. It accompanied Bette as she continued her journey to Tina’s house. The solemn music brought Bette’s thoughts back to the demise of her and Tina’s relationship. One moment stood out in her mind, one where she knew without a doubt that she and Tina were over. Before they were officially over. Just thinking about it made Bette queasy. Both their work lives were hectic and their marriage, stagnant. Intimate communication virtually nonexistent. The phrase “I love you” said as a chore, with the same meaning as “Hi” and “Goodbye”.
It was a simple dinner Bette had meticulously prepared in an effort to please Tina. White candles adorned the kitchen table and the rest of the house, setting a subtle romantic scene. A simple red rose placed in a clear thin vase served as a centerpiece. Bette had even put on a mix of “their” songs and as their wedding song played, Bette served dinner in a loving manner. Bette had sensed the distance and was slowly trying to work her way back to Tina. She hoped that she could show her love and devotion by performing small tasks and sweet little things like she used to do, but Tina wasn’t responding like she had hoped. Something was holding Tina back and it frustrated Bette more than anything before.
So they sat eating, engaging in minimal talk. They used to converse about everything, work, nonsensical subjects or anything that came to mind. It was a bonding time for them, a quiet reprieve from their hectic work lives. A time to reflect and rediscover why they were each other’s best friends. But the topics and vivacity in their conversations had waned over time. Tonight there was a comfortable silence but there was something off about it. Bette couldn’t put her finger on it and she couldn’t figure out why Tina was so distant. After a certain point, Bette couldn’t take the silence anymore and laid her fork down to say something to express her frustration. As she was about to speak, she glanced up at Tina. Their eyes met as Tina had also stopped eating. What Bette saw saddened her more than anything she had ever seen. Bette sat there speechless because of what she saw.
What Bette saw in Tina’s eyes was nothing. Simply nothing. No spark, no more love. She used to be able to look into Tina’s eyes and see all the love she had for her. All the questions Bette had tonight were answered by Tina’s eyes. Tina reached for Bette’s hand and looked at her with remorse, her eyes close to tears and whispered “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.” Bette sat in the kitchen chair just staring and trying to breathe. She didn’t ask any questions because she already knew why. Already knew they had fallen apart. It was too late. And it killed her inside. She felt like such a fool sitting there making an effort when in the end it didn’t matter anymore.
She heard the screech of Tina’s chair against the wood floor as she left and the constant repetition of those love songs that suddenly had no more meaning. The candles dripped, slowly burning out, the food growing cold as she sat there alone in disbelief. She sat there as her whole world fell apart around her. The sinking feeling settling in her stomach. A feeling that would stay with her for a long time.
Now as she sat in the driver’s seat that same sinking feeling took over as she recalled that horrid memory. She knew she couldn’t handle another breakdown again. It broke her the first time, it would kill her the second. They had both given up last time and she constantly looked back. Regretting and wishing.