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    The Very Thought of You, Chapter 9

    Story written on February 6, 2007 by NYGayLady.
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    2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 52 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5 (2 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
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    Number of Comments: 20
    Words: 2289
    Story Shortlink: https://mail.assertive-maroon-jellyfish.104-250-143-187.cpanel.site/?p=64380
    Author Notes:

    Talking to you makes me feel whole, and that worries me.

    But, until then, all I ask is that you surrender some of your nights to meeting me somewhere in dreams.  If that is the only place I can meet you, hold you, love you without fear or restrictions, meet me there, and let me show you.

    I’m the logical, cold, unfeeling one.  I’m the one who grounds everyone else while harboring secret wishes for a hopelessly perfect love affair.  I’m the one who remains cool, who acts as everyone else’s rock.  I’m supposed to keep everyone grounded.  But with you, I can’t seem to hold my life together.  I cry over the fact I can’t have someone I’ve never met.  You voice completely dismantles me.  I could tell you how unnerved I was before you called me the first time, but you still won’t understand.  I was scared, nervous, excited and so many other things that I still don’t have a name for.  You can’t possibly realize how completely out of character you make me act or to what extent you presence in my life has screwed with the logic and reality that was Bette.  I’m the one who carefully plans my future.  But, with you in my life, all thoughts of those plans fly out the window, and I find myself trying to orchestrate ways to incorporate you and make our being together possible.  My thought process turns illogical and ridiculous, and my dearest wishes for the future fly out of the window when I hear your voice.  My emotions are constantly out of control, a shocking and frightening thing for someone who always shows so much restraint where matters of the heart are involved.  I’m so careful with love even where friends are concerned, holding out on telling them I love them because I’m so worried about speaking the truth and expressing feelings that I’m unsure of.  And yet, with you, all I want is to declare my love and take you in my arms.  All I want is to let you know all the dreams of us being together that race through my head, to tell them to you and then proceed to act them out over the next sixty years or so.

    All I wanted was a pretty friend on my friends list.  What have you done to me?  I never wanted to feel this acutely.  I never wanted to hurt and pine and wonder and think about things that are so impossible.  I never wanted my heart to hurt at the thought of never being able to have you the way I want.  And I’m afraid.  Afraid that when you see me, I’ll turn into just another person.  Looking at you and talking to you, knowing and learning about you, show me how unfit I am to be your partner, no matter how much I want to be.  I can see that I could never be good enough, that somehow I would let you down, no matter how hard I would try not to.

    I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.  My tears and emotions run amuck, unchecked.  Talking to you makes me feel whole, and that worries me.  It worries me that if nothing comes of this, I’ll never feel whole again.  It worries me that you might be the one, and if I can’t find a way to make it work with you, I’ll never be able to make it work out just the way I want it with someone else.

    Fuck it.  Meet me.  We’ll explore the city together.  If we find music, I’ll insist on dancing with you, right there in the middle of New York City.  When we pass a vendor on the street, I’ll buy you whichever flowers you think are the most beautiful.  I insist on trying to charm you.  I insist on showing you the real me, not the phone or cyber one.  I insist on showing you how much joy I have in life, how beautiful things are when seen through my eyes.  I insist on romancing you and showing you the most wonderful day of pampering that you ever could have imagined, on giving you more than Henry ever thought to give you.  I insist on just loving you and showing you what that can feel like.  Meet me and give me the chance to prove to you that this is real and not just the ramblings of a ‘child.’ 

    That’s all I ask of you,

                                                                                       Bette

                I was floored.  It was, by far, the most forceful she’d been, the most brutally honest.  It made me want to get to the city as soon as possible.  But, even with those words, I still dragged my heels, unwilling to disrupt the picture perfect life I was working on creating.  My persuasion to follow her call came in a most unexpected form.

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    Comments

    1. NY, since I have told you often enough you know how this story affects me. Bette opened her heart and soul up to Tina in that love letter. It was just beautiful. Please continue on with this wonderful story and as always thank you.

    7. I first want to thank you for such a thought provoking enchanting tale. It leaves me in wonder with each and every chapter you post. I am not so such that Tina is unsympathetic as she just hasn’t lost anything of value yet. The dream is still alive as far as she is concerned. It shows how perfect a relationship can be when it’s left to the imagination and not tested in the natural progression of real life. I love the risk your Bette is taking it’s breath taking how much she has put on the line. Get some sleep and dream of the next chapter Thanks for all your efforts.

    8. damn tina!you have to meet bette how can you not?bette is poring out her heart/soul is there a such thing as a perfect life out there.tina you know you want too (SUCK IT UP)DO IT! p.p.s.

    9. Absolutely amazing. Its sad how fear of taking a chance can stagnate a person. Tina obviously thinks the straight life with the house and 2.5 kids is the better choice for her or at least the easiest choice to live with. I wonder if she’s ever taken any risk in her life at all. She seems to prefer to fantasize which is fine in the short term, but for 30 year. That’s just too sad! Bette’s letter was heartfelt and how she could resist, just shows Tina’s strong will to remain passive.

    10. I think I can say that that is the most beautiful and soulful thing I’ve ever read. Not just this chpter but also your author’s notes…They touched me deeply- evidence of a talented and genius writer- thank you for the experience. I’m now your fan for life I think…your wish is my command…

    11. *blink, blink* What the hell, Tina??!!!! You gave up THAT to go for…whatever it is you have now???? I can’t even think of anything to say beyond that.

    12. What a beautiful love letter! I only hope Bette hasn’t been waiting for Tina to come and make her feel whole for the last 30 solid years. Tina sucks, but maybe it’s not too late for her to change her life, even if it isn’t easy… Thanks for posting!

    13. Just re-read everything…girl, you’re amazing! It’s great to see you writing for a change instead of reading! LOL. Keep up the good work and looking forward to your next masterpiece! :-)

    15. You are such a romantic NY and I love that! Wow, Bette really poured her heart out in that letter and I feel saddened that Tina still chose Henry. NY you have me at the highest edge of any mountaintop in the world and I am so much enjoying the torture! Please Post soon! A thought occurred to me that I hope is not true, that Bette might not be alive in the present.

    16. All I know is I would have been on the 1st plane…train…or automobile. At this point Tina wasn’t even married was she? Sigh she is frustrating the hell out of me. It wasn’t like she was a prisoner…people can go to the city for shopping sprees or plays…damn use you imagination woman…make it happen!

    18. Bette’s letter broke my heart as I read it, it really did. And for Tina to still have dragged her feet in the face of such a challenge… I just can’t fathom it. This story is compelling, NY, it’s wonderful, and at the same time, it makes me want to cry.

    20. I continue to love this story, NY… It makes me wonder why Tina had such a hard time letting go of that picture perfect life with Henry, she knows she no longer wants. She seems to know that Bette represents true love and happiness, and that life with Henry could never live up to that. What held her back? Her family? The conventions of modern society? What? Poor Bette… she was so brave in that letter. Ah, the bliss of love letters… LOL… Thanks, NY.

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