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The Very Thought of You, Chapter 24
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“And what’s right for you is to hurt me? To make me go back to a life that’s incomplete, empty in so many ways? One I wasn’t meant for?”
“You chose it,” she quietly asserted. For a few moments I stood with my mouth open, gasping slightly from the sting of her words. Anger now mixed with the tears, spurring me to find a way to hurt her as she wounded me.
“You’re scared. Afraid someone might actually force you to feel again and act like a human being. You run into me on the street and turn my world upside down over a cup of coffee. You showed me this vision of us; you made me want it, too. To the point where I wanted it more than you did, apparently. You take me out for the most beautiful night I’ve ever known, make love to me until dawn, spend the day talking as if there will be thousands more of them and then tell me I have to go back to a house in a neighborhood where everyone’s life is the same everyday?”
“I wanted to protect you,” she replied evenly. “Would you have enjoyed today or even stayed if you’d had the knowledge that this was coming? Maybe it was unfair, or cruel, or leading, maybe I’ve made one of my infamous, completely misguided decisions, but it was for you. And I just can’t do this again.” Her admission of vulnerability meant more than her injudicious try at sparing me a day of hurt. I started to understand, her past rushing to the forefront.
“You’re afraid I’ll leave.” She shook her head.
“No. I’m afraid I will. I’ve always felt it was temporary, love. Everything, actually. Except me. I’ve always depended on me. No one has stuck around long enough for me to find out if I have it in me to stay and be faithful to one person.”
“Anne-“
“-was a start. We’re talking forever. The thing is, I love you too much to hurt you. If I failed at us, I would have nothing left. It would be completely devastating. And even if I didn’t leave, someday you would, not because of any shortcoming of yours, I don’t believe you have any, but because of me. I somehow would disappoint you or fall short of your idea of me, and you’d leave. And I couldn’t take that.”
“I would never …” I couldn’t finish, momentarily wondering if she was right.
“See? There must be something about me. Either I use people until I don’t need them anymore and then find ways to push them away, or I just am the kind of person who asks to be used. Regardless, I couldn’t handle it if it happened with you.
“I think this time I better be the one to do the leaving. And I think it ought to be before we get ourselves anymore entangled with potential memories and time spent together.”
I gaped at her through the tears that flowed unchecked down my face. She pulled me into her arms again, enveloping me in her strong embrace, forcing her practicality and clear headedness on me. She held me until I calmed and long after. We clung to the remainder of our time together, memorizing how it felt to be wrapped in the other’s embrace. I broke the silence first.
“I always felt so safe in your arms.” I felt her smile against my neck and pulled back enough to see, longing to experience her older face in rapture one more time. “What?”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that. Promise me you’ll remember.”
“Always.”
I quickly pulled her lips to mine. I could taste the pain and heartbreak, the tears… and goodbye. As she led me to her bedroom that last time, I felt like someone being led to the gallows, given those final beautiful moments of life before everything goes black.
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NY! My god! If I had the time to cry I would! Damn!
NONONONONONONON, I SAID NO!!! OMG, you just can’t do this, you just can’t. They were meant to run into each other there and now because it’s meant to be. They are meant to spend the remainder of their lives living together and have some happiness. They why they met, so pls go back to your laptop and fix this….pls
Okay now that I’ve actually read the chapter, it’s still great! But…are you trying to make me spaz out? lol We definitely know this isn’t a story Jenny wrote because I don’t remember reading about manatees or carnival stuff. Now watch you’ll prove me wrong and this IS a Jenny story. And to think I paid homage to your state with the mention of “You’ve Got Mail” in my latest story (I was there for a jazz band trip my senior year of high school and remember the fake leaves on some trees being pointed out to us), and this is my repayment. *raspberries@u* Eh, maybe it really is for the best. Now I need to go back and find my last comment.
You’ve got me so upset I can’t even write a sentence properly, you’ve ruined my afternoon, I’m crying like an idiot….you writers are so mean sometimes….this just can’t be happening, it just can’t. Oh, I know I’ll go back and reread it, I’m sure I’ve made mistake….brb
Damn, I didn’t make a mistake…
I want to cry. Even though I knew it would be next to impossible for Tina to hurt her children(Henry does’nt count), I just wanted them to ride off happily into the sunset. This hurts.
As sad as this is, Bette is right. You can’t relive the last 30 years and the reality is could Tina adjust to this new life.
Well. You *did* say Tina wouldn’t back out… and she hasn’t. I’ve been resenting Tina and her cataclysmic choice, and now that everything’s come full circle, I’m heartbroken for the both of them. This especially got me: “I could be whatever she needed me to be; I could give her what she needed.” Those words from Bette didn’t do anything to change Tina’s mind 30 years ago… and now she knows what it’s like. I can’t say that she’s gotten what she deserved. Neither of them have. Ah, well. Have I told you how much I’ve enjoyed this story? Even though it’s breaking my TiBetting heart? I look forward to — and at the same time dread — the last post tomorrow. Thanks, NY.
no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh no!! After having been annoyed at Tina’s behaviour for the last 23 chapters it’s Bette I could scream at now… it’s not too late to change your life at fifty and be happy – after all, some people still have another 40 years to go. I’m sure Tina’s children would forgive her, they might be gay as well ;-).
Excuse me while I go shed a pool of tears now.
If I wasn’t sitting at my desk in California you would hear me scream all the way to N.Y. What the hell. We were all so worried about Tina backing out. NO,NO,NO. Bette, Tina’s kids are grown, they’ll get over it, don’t be afraid. Is is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
You are NOT doing this…! Last chapter tomorrow, huh? The miraculous lifesaver chapter, or the final death one?… Beware, the angry crowd is at the gate!!! ;)
Oh, believe me, Kword75, I KNOW they’re at the gate…
Hmmmm, NY… a surprising turn of events. Bette is both scared and scarred… and Tina played a part in Bette getting to that point. Buuuuut I wonder if you don’t have another turn of events up your devious sleeve…. LOL… I hope you do.
I have the key to that gate…, its in my pocket along with the soggy tissues! How can you write such sadness so brilliantly?? Pot ;o(
Did Jo mention pot? We might need some pot to get through the final chapter. let us time warp shall we to tomorrow: *lots of giggling* Bette…Bette said…GOODBYE!!!!!!!! *loud laughter* OMG this ending is so sad!!! *more laughter* NY you know we love you. =)
Jobadge I’m right behind you. I have to keep going back over it in case I can’t read the english language properly…unfortunately I can….Boy NY if we all knew where you were sleeping, we’d sneak in and you retype this last chapter….Really, my god tina’s kids are grown, she would be going home alone to Henry to commit suicide, another 20+ with him, I’d rather divorce and go out on my own…leave him tina and hunt bette down, you found her once you can do it again.
I hope that Bette is at the airport and clain her prize. Never thought it would be Bette thanks
Bette is an idiot to turn down everything she ever wanted. How could Bette be so cruel to lead Tina on for the past day and a half, only to turn her away? At least 30 years ago Tina didn’t sleep with Bette and then walk away! I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it…if I were Tina I would leave Henry and pursue my happiness…there is NO way I could go back to that beige vein of an existence. Damn it NY!! Aren’t you the one who was questioning all the FF with the moral of the story being that love is not enough??? Tina should be thoroughly pissed, and if she’s not, it’s only because she’s got a back up plan in mind. *I HOPE!*
oh! no no no no no no no no no Bette no! God, i did NOT see this coming! I just want to shake Bette and tell her ‘no! love IS enough! you deserve this, and you owe it to yourself to try!’ Argh! **starts breathing again** But you know, I think I kinda understand.. and in her shoes, i just might do that too… i think! Thank you NY, like Jobadge said- you write sadness so brilliantly and beautifully
vaffanculo!
I didn’t mean that I was just upset…Oh wait yes I did mean it.vaffanculo!
“You chose it,” … how our choices, good or poor,shape our lives… love your writing! I’m waiting at the gate too!
I am speechless, that was WOW whew My God What have you done to us. I am at the gate with everyone else, Bloody hell man, Brilliantly SAD – What a writer amazing
Damn again, still the same ending….errrrrr
Keys still in pocket… check, soggy tissues still in pocket… check…, View of NY running… check…
No telling where I am, Jo! ‘Cause you know that just wouldn’t be fair.
Boy, I didn’t see that coming. Part of me agrees with Bette. However, they have already wasted 30 years, why make the same mistake for the next 30? Sure it would be complicated, but you know what; life is complicated. You did say you were a helpless romantic, so I am trusting Tina can eventually talk some sense into Bette. Now would be the time to pull out all the stops. Maybe they have ended up in another bad chapter of Lez Girls. Or perhaps, they really have been together all this time and one of them is having a really, really bad dream. I am interested in seeing how it turns out.
Now that I have time, My god NY! But you know Bette is right. Is Tina really preparaed to walk away after 30 years with her family? Her life would be in an uproar and it will never be the same. Sadly Tina always had the choice and she made it. I would love to see them ride into the sunset but that’s not reality. Damn, this is truly a bittersweet story.
NY, you’ve made me have to break out my Finding Nemo and Bringing Up Baby dvds to cheer myself up. I’m not hopped up enough on the cold medicines to get past this last chapter… did I hear Pot mentioned? Mayhap I’d just best go for the Kettle and curl down with a cup of tea and hope Dory’s short-term memory loss is momentarily contagious… I’ll still be here tomorrow, waiting for The End… I’ll be the one by the gate, huddled in a blanket, shaking a cup for Our Lady of the Broken Hearted. Oh dear. Oh my.
Hey, NYers don’t let other NYers destroy TiBette. You can’t do this. Reconsider, please.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by this chapter and you know why. I can’t wait to see what you have written for your final chapter of this wonderfull story. NY you have outdone yourself with this one and I am so glad that you decided to write and share this with us. I know I don’t have to tell you what this has meant to me, but I just want to say thank you so very much my friend.
Well, that totally sucked the big one!! My god…their fifty…not dead!! Make it right…please!! Thanks!
Their age has nothing to do with anything, really. I’m not punishing them because they’re in their 50s, promise.
I agree with honda90, please, they are meant to be together! My Tibette’s heart is broken again!
Well, I didn’t see that one coming. If I ever showed emotions, I’d probably be crying right now. (Ok, who am I kidding, I got a little teary eyed…but I’m alone, so it’s ok) I’m just gonna go back and read the chapters where they were together and happy for a day…and pretend like this chapter never happened…sorry, NY, denial is my favorite way to deal with stuff I don’t like. Great chapter, you’ve obviously stirred up the emotions in your readers–not every writer has that ability, but the truly great ones do.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!! NY, you can’t do this to us!!! to Bette and Tina, to the tibette love, to our hearts…come on woman, for God’s sake!!!! I can0t cry right now but my heart is breaking for them!! the ‘kids’, they don’t have any say, they’re all grown up… come on,NY… man, and I thought I was going to read a happy chapter… please make Bette come to her senses and *as bettyvhall said* get Tina at the airport… henry’s so stupid, he won’t even notice! lol… anyway please get them back together!! it’s never too late for them to love each other!
too cruel u r
you’ve gotta be kidding right? But… :( nope I don’t think you’re…. sigh… don’t let them miss the happiness that’s belong to them again :(
Great chapter!
I’m so sad that the universe is conspiring to keep Tibette apart. Love your writing NY. I would so love the most beautiful romantic story to have the most beautiful romantic ending. I still hope for another twist to reason. *sighs and hopes*
What goes around comes around.Harsh application of the situation but true.Tina hurt Bette and they both felt the repercussions.. Now it’s the other way around and the bite’s deeper this time.I feel bad for them. But Bette reminds me of me in this chapter. Letting herself put away dreams of something because she doesn’t know herself – Thinking she knows who she is and what she’s going to do.I don’t believe in love. And perhaps that is why; who I am. I couldn’t trust myself enough to love somebody.I think B&T’s relationship in this is a similar portayal of the only love I may experience – Intense for a short time.. Anything long term, I can’t guarantee.I can’t guarantee it’s going to be perfect.And like Bette, I strive for perfection.