“So you ended it.”  Kit repeated.
 
Concisely, I reconfirmed. “Yes.”
 
“These…flashbacks Tina, don’t you think it’s natural to think back to what was?”
 
She knew of course that Bette had pushed forward with formalizing the separation.  Facing the end after seven – almost eight years.  In the vicinity of ninety months, twenty-seven hundred days.  Kit now intimating it was natural to take pause given the implications of the time together.
 
Elucidating on a truth, quietly Kit commented, “I’ve done that too you know – as has everyone else I would think.  Replayed things in my head. It’s human nature.”  
 
‘But It’s different.’ I thought to myself.
 
Then she asked gently.  “Do you want these memories to fade?” 
 
Expelling a frustrated breath I answered honestly.  “I don’t know Kit.”
 
“It’s been ‘us’ in the picture for so long. Sort of like a television series that kept getting renewed until ratings declined precipitously and a drastic turn of events was written in to spark interest.” 
 
“And did it Tina?” Kit asked.
 
The harsh tone was unmistakable as I muttered, “The series finale aired soon thereafter.” 
 
“Mmm…so these images that occupy you are what then?”
 
“I don’t know Kit.” I repeated. 
 
“I’m not sure what it means either baby girl.”  Kit shared, “I wish I had the answer but I don’t.”
 
“Do you think it means something more than just…snapshots, of your history?  It may just be that you’re remembering because like you said it’s been the two of you for so long your mind is still catching up to the fact that that’s no longer the case.”
 
“Perhaps you’re remembering because you’re ready to let go. Or ready for new memories with someone else.”
 
Kit took a moment to let her expressed thought gain traction. 
 
“Or ready to see if this means more than just remembering what was, but what could still…be?”
 
Wiping a tear away, “I don’t know Kit.” 
 
Again I whispered.  “I don’t know.”  How many times had I made that statement during this encounter?  Well it was time to say more.  Say what I knew my heart I felt.  Say what I knew in my mind was fact.  Hence the decision about Helena.  Special as she was…
 
“What I do know is that the way I loved her…“ my voice broke forcing me to pause before I could continue. 
 
“I don’t want to settle for anything less.  I can’t.  I won’t”  Raising my eyes to the ceiling above to stare at nothing in particular I divulged restlessly, “Yet I don’t know what that means exactly.” 
 
Thankfully, Kit didn’t make nor voice judgment.  She simply nodded, relaying an understanding of the struggle. 
 
Lenient to my uncertainty.  My yearning.  
 
Gradually, my head lowered.  The weight of the emotion that overcame me during the moment was overwhelming.  Allowing it to pass, Kit tentatively urged me to look at her.  She caught my gaze and looked at me directly. 
 
“I know she hurt you Tina.” Then said compassionately, “I’m not saying this in her defense. What she did. There’s no excuse.” 
 
“But please…you should know.”
 
“What Bette did,” with care, she pronounced each word that followed “I saw…that it almost destroyed her.  I see it still.  It hurt her so much to have hurt you.”
 
Kit reiterated her observation.  “It hurt her.  So much. To hurt you.”
 
”So I’m asking you, please be honest.”  Breathing quietly she continued in a mellow tone reserved for the most critical of times. “When you’re ready, be open. With yourself.  With her.” 
 
It wasn’t a secret.  I was outraged.  Closed to almost everything that surrounded the situation.  My situation.  The explosive fury fed by the incredible pain that shielded me from more of it while prohibiting explanations to filter through.
 
Then there was confusion – not knowing, not understanding. I still didn’t.  She offered, and I refused.  Not wanting to hear.  In part to avoid reminding me of what she’d done.  What we’d lost.
 
Subsequent to that, more anger emerged.  Utter frustration.  Knowing I had been part of it too.  Our demise. 
 
But I didn’t go where she did.  I didn’t betray her in that way.  Why Bette?  Why?
 
Then again maybe I should leave things as is.  Perhaps Kit’s suggestion that I was just ready to let go of what we were was accurate.  Facilitated by the papers prepared and awaiting my signature, our prior connection would end with a sense of certainty. 
 
Presumably to be replaced by a strong friendship. Evidenced by our current interaction.  Relations civil and friendly.  We could go on this way.
 
During our time apart as a couple we’ve grown closer in other ways.  In some respects improved from the time we were together in the later years. 
 
She was different.  Yet she was the same.  As was I.  But I know I miss her.  I miss us.  I want…to know.  What happened.  What’s next. 
 
“You have to figure out, understand and accept them.  These memories of yours.”
 
Kit soothed, “Whether you want them to be linked just with your past…or if you want them to thrive. Tina, if you decide you want to let go that’s all right too.” 
 
“I just hope you don’t reach a point in life,” she counseled further, “that leaves you  wondering whether everything is how it was meant to be.”
 
Be honest Kit said.  Be open. 
 
Silently, I repeated the words I’d shared with her earlier.  Words that echoed in my head often.  ‘The way I loved her…’
 
Not knowing I was in the same position as Bette had been some time ago, I leaned forward to rest my head on Kit’s shoulder. 
 
And wondered why two people who loved each other so much had hurt one another with equal vigor.  But that kind of made sense didn’t it?  Because we loved so much.  The pain was just as severe.
 
Though so many tears had already been surrendered, again I cried. 

And wished I knew what came next. 

And hoped I would do what was right.