The Final Letter

My dearest Tina, my Love,

I miss you more than words can describe. You were my sun and my earth, my moon and my stars. Since you left there is only darkness around me and it is freezing cold. I miss your smiling eyes, your laugh, your kind heart and your voice.

Sometimes I am sitting here in our livingroom, looking at the door and wait for you to come in. But then I realize that this will not happen. You left me and took my whole world. I think there is not even one moment I don’t ask myself if there was anything I could have done to make you stay. I guess the answer is no and it’s too late but it is killing me. Maybe I should have been more unselfish and attentive but I wasn’t and this is my punishment: A life without you. Just because I wasn’t able to put my pride and egoism aside and tell you that you are my everything.

Have I ever told you that I started to feel alive when we met? You brought me happiness and light into the darkness that was my life. When we were on our first date I laughed more than I did in years and thought that this was it. This was what I was looking for all these years.

Art was my passion but the last seven years it was you and only you. To wake up every morning with you by my side made me feel safe. To see you laugh because of something I did or said made me happy. And to hear you say ‘I love you’ and ‘You are my first, last and forever’ made me feel loved.

I thought nothing could harm us and our love. But now you are gone and I don’t feel safe, happy or loved anymore.

I think I not only lost you, but my heart, soul and mind. I can’t feel anything, I am numb.

Our friends miss you too. I can see it in their eyes. Especially Alice and Shane.
Alice lost Dana, she knows how it feels to loose the love of your life and she loves you. Shane loves you so much, I guess nearly as much as I do. You were some kind of a mother she never had.

Now I am writing this letter to you and I can see all of our familiy outside. They all met at our house to pick me up. But I am not ready…not yet. I have to finish this letter and then I need to get changed.

I don’t know what to wear. This whole situation came so unexpected. Everytime I didn’t know what to wear you were here and helped me. But not anymore.

T I feel the tears are coming back and I wish you’d be here to take me in your arms. Unfortunately it’s the only feeling I have right now. Grief…neverending grief.

I remember the last time you held me in your arms. Maybe it is just my imagination but retrospective I think you knew that it was the last time you would hold me. I know that it is not possible since you didn’t know what would happen but you held me so tight like it was the last time. And then you kissed me like you would never see me again. I wish I would have done the same.

Tina baby…I miss you so much and I can’t stop crying.

Now I have to finish this letter and get changed. Our family is waiting for me. To see them all dressed in black, without a smile on their faces and tears in their eyes brings the reality back to me. You are gone and today I have to take a walk I thought I would never need to do. I have to go to your funeral and it’s breaking my heart, it’s killing me.

I prayed to god that he wouldn’t take you. That he should look again in his list. Maybe there was a mistake in his great plan. Maybe a typing error, a spelling mistake. But obviously he took you from me.

My Love, my Angel, the light of my life. You are my first, last and forever, I will love you till the day I die and then I will see you again and we have eternity to love each other.

With all my love
Yours eternally

Bette