When did it begin to go wrong? At what precise point did I step off the main path?
I had everything I wanted. I was in a profession I had worked hard to achieve, and adored.
And I had already found the love of my life.
So what went wrong?

It was a sensation that had felt strange to me for so many years.
I felt myself floating serenely away.
In my heart there was a fear, made worse by the sense that my heart and my body were being torn in two completely different directions.

It was by pure chance that I had met Candace Jewel.

After being introduced to her by Yolanda and inviting them to sit by me I had no idea that my life would be turned so inconceivably upside down, or even begin to imagine the mass of destruction it would leave behind in its wake.

If Id had the fore sight, I would have asked myself, is it worth it? But that that didnt, happen. Ironically, I found myself asking was it worth it?

Have a found the answer to that question? Of, course. The simple answer is NO. Perhaps if, I had said that small two letter, word which has so much meaning in itself it wouldnt have lead to my ultimate downfall.

Why do we as humans, when we have it all, always find ourselves wanting more? Cant, we ever truly be satisfied with what weve got? And when we really think about, that, MORE, we did want? We realise too late that we already had it, in the first place.

I no longer believe in the saying, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. After being on that other side I can honestly say with my hand on my heart, that, whoever wrote that, doesnt know what their talking about and is a complete and utter fool.

Making love with Candace was an escape from real life, from thoughts, from myself. It was never real in any sense of the word, it was like an out of body experience, I, was watching from above, I could see what I was doing was completely insane, but I didnt know how to stop it. It was like trying to step of a merry go round while its still in motion.

When I make love with Tina it is more than just an escape, much more. It is not a homecoming. It is even more than that. It is like an astonishing revelation of discovering a new world. One that will, take me the rest of my life to explore and to know.

And I dont know who Ive got to thank for bringing her back to me, to allow me to carry on discovering this beautiful journey but whoever or whatever it was I thank them from the bottom of my heart, for giving me another chance to be with this extraordinary woman with whom I love with all my soul, with all my being, cause I know now first hand that I wont, and, I cant live without her.

Im sorry, Im sorry, it wasnt meant to be this way. I failed both of you. Tinas muffled cry was breaking my heart, the anguish and fear was embroiled in her face and there was nothing I could do stop it.

I placed my hand on her head and lovingly stroked her hair, trying desperately to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. I dont know if my words consoled her or not, because although I was trying to hold it together on the outside, inside I was absolutely terrified.

You didnt fail anyone, youre amazing, amazing. I said, with all the love I was feeling for my beautiful brave wife at this moment. Shes almost here its okay, shes almost here.

And then there she was.

Wait I want to cut the cord. My eyes pleaded with a member of the medical team.

Its not allowed because of sterilisation in the OR, it has to be cut by a member of the surgical team.

I turned my attention to Dr Wilson.

I want to cut the cord.

I think she saw the desperation in my eyes and heard it in my voice, because the next thing I hear is her saying.

Go ahead let her cut the cord.

I dont think she can even imagine how happy she had made me at that very moment.

I glanced up at Tina. Im cutting the cord now. She nodded and I smiled at her, and then cut the cord. Oh my God Tee. I was overcome with emotion, I dont think my heart has ever felt or been so full of love.

Angelica.

What baby? I asked, turning my attention back to Tee.

Angelica, thats what I want to name her, Angelica.

As soon as the words had left her mouth she began to lose consciousness, and I could feel the panic rising in my throat.

Tina . . .Tina.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


They kept us outside until visiting hours. The sound of Kits voice wavered round the room. She bent her head down and looked lovingly at the tiny little miracle I had cradled in my arms. Oh my goodness. She said warmly, her eyes filling with tears of joy and happiness.

Tina. Wheres Tina? I think Shane said as all our closest friends entered the room.

Shes still in recovery. I managed to say before I was interrupted . Is she alright? Shes fine, were waiting until they can bring her down. She hasnt even seen her baby. She hasnt even met our baby yet. I said in a hushed voice looking at my daughter, who I was already so madly in love with.

I got to my feet and glanced at all these amazing women who stood before me.

This is Angelica. I announced proudly, returning my attention back to the other love of my life.


This is your family. I told her, and I meant it in every sense of the word. Every sense of the L Word.