We both stood there, I could see the door was supporting the weight of her body.

Her eyes were hazy, I noticed the redness surrounding her eyes. They were puffy and swollen, I stopped myself from reaching out to nurse her tears.

I finally spoke, “Is it ok if I come inside?”.

She didn’t respond, so I took it upon myself to walk inside. I wouldn’t normally have done that but in this instance we needed to talk.

I observed at how much effort it seemed to take for her to follow me over to the sofa.

“Dylan, I’m glad you came to see this morning. I know how hard it must have been to bring up the past. As much as I don’t want to anger you or make you pain anymore, I’m still hurting Dylan. Half of me understands the relationship between yourself and Danny. But the other half of me still can’t wrap my head around the fact in the boardroom that day it was like what we had didn’t even exist.” I could feel the pain wince at my heart. I knew I was ready to deal with this, even if there wasn’t a natural resolution to dilute the pain and hurt.

“I… Let it go too far. I know I should haven’t let it get to that point. It was like I couldn’t break the bond between me and Danny he was the only permanent figure in my life; who stuck by me. Yes I was in love with you. My insecurities caught up with me, as much as I don’t want to admit that. You deserved better than me.” From the sorrow in her words I knew she meant them.

“I get that he was there long before I was. But how could you think so little of me, the feelings I had for you were so real; intense. You know that, you know what you did to me. It was never that way with anybody before I met you.”

“Helena”. She reached for my hand, her touch so delicate but firm. Her hand clasped my own with such sentiment behind it. I closed my eyes as I breathed hard to keep myself in control of the situation.

She continued, “I’m sorry for every ounce of pain I caused you, for the rest of my life I will have to deal with that. Knowing that I hurt the only person I loved, who loved me back. With no expectations, no reservations and held nothing but love for me in your heart.”

Dylan’s words penetrated a stirring within my heart and head, I couldn’t just forgive her for everything she had done. But my heart wanted too forgive. It would never be the same, but she taught me how to love whole-heartedly and abandon all my inhibitions. That was something that began and ended with her.

“I did love you yes, but you don’t understand to what extent. I was broken down; a mess. It’s took me over 2 years to move on. Now out of the blue, you’ve come back to explain. Yes I know that you was apprehensive about whether or not I would listen to what you had to say. But 3 years down the line I don’t know if it’s just too late…”

The grip on my hand became one of desperate. I felt the urgency as she held my hand close to her heart. My words matched my heart but not necessarily my head. I couldn’t lose myself; to end up on the floor again.

“It’s not too late… It’s not. What I did to you and your family I’m not proud of any of it. You were the best thing to ever happen to me.”

She pulled me closer. Through the air between us I could breathe in the intensity of how she always got me. Not even through her smile, through those eyes. I could see it all. The anguish, the regret, the emptiness and mostly importantly the lightness of the love she still held for me. I couldn’t get caught up in the tension, overall unrelenting control she held over me.

She engulfed me in hug, my willingness cast aside. I dreamt about that night when we first made love. Something so beautiful; tears wept and soaked my pillow. The way she admired me; all of me.

She whispers to me, “Lena, I love you I always have and always will until the day I die.” Her breath tickled my ear, the minute whisper, was magnified by 1000 decibels sending tingles down my spine. I’d longed to hear her say those words, but now things were different. Time was irrelevant; I did love her but the guilt was resurfacing.

“Dylan… I can’t…” Her hands roamed my hair, sweeping softly upon it. The realisation caught up with me, I was trying to fight something I had wanted so badly and for so long. I couldn’t do this, it wasn’t right. Not this way.

She smoothed her hands to trace the outline of my face, I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t. Her fingers caressed my lips. Tracing every last groove and crease that belonged to me. The heat was excruciating as she inched herself closer. I wanted to stop her but didn’t.

The smoothness of her mouth pressing down on mine weakened me, although I didn’t want to believe I could resolve so quickly. I felt it. Just like before, my desire to take her. To feel her skin on mine. The wetness I always felt whenever her eyes alined with mine was still there. She had me, she always did. This wasn’t right. I pulled myself away, her eyes questioning my thoughts. She knew. She felt it too.

“I can’t do this Dylan.” I held her hand close to my heart. “I loved you and you will always be someone special to me no matter what. But I can’t do this; just try and pick up where we left off. I’m with Alyssa now. I don’t expect you too understand but I’m happy. The happiest I’ve been in a long while. I guess if I don’t see you again it answers all my beliefs.”

I looked up from the floor to see the hurt in her eyes. I didn’t want to hurt her. This wasn’t revenge or seeking to damage her they way she did with me. I was bigger than that and if she didn’t know that then she really didn’t know me at all.

“I was stupid to think you would still be single, any woman would be lucky to have you. You deserve more than I can give to you. I’m glad you’re happy. Its something I’ve longed to hear. Your happiness has always meant more than my own. As long as she treats you right… Which she does doesn’t she??”

“Erm yes she’s treats me very well.”

“Then nothing else matters. You’re happy and I won’t get in the way of that. I don’t regret coming back to tell you. It was important I did not just for my own sanity but to try and quash any belief if any that it was your fault. I didn’t know what you had been through, but I always wondered how what I did affected you and everyone around you.”

She distanced herself alittle but her hand remained firm within mine; close to my heart. But she didn’t realise she was in my heart with every passing day.

“Can I ask how long you and Alyssa have been together? It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me. I just wondered if I would had came back earlier would you have taken me back?”.

“Erm me and Alyssa have been together for about 8months now. Dylan please don’t do this to yourself neither of us know whether or not if you came back early if we would have got back together. Things are more complex than me just forgiving you and picking up where we left off. My whole life is different now, how I used to be and how I used to act. That’s not the ‘me’ I want to reflect and see in my children or myself”.

“I guess I have lost the chance of ever getting you back. But I will say this. I’m glad you’re happy and as much as my heart breaks that I’m not that person to do that at least I can let go. Let go of all that hope and constant wondering about you. You will never be forgotten not even in a million years. There will never be another woman like you.”

“Dylan I..I don’t know what to say other than I know my hear won’t let me forgive you straight away but give it time. I assure you it will.” I was sincere, I wasn’t giving her false hope this soon would be fact whether she stuck around or not.

“I know I didn’t expect you to forgive me straight away Helena. I guess I’d hoped I would be able to get you to forgive me if we were back together. I know I sound idiotic but I always have believed your forgiveness would come in form of intimacy only you and I knew existed.” The openness of her feelings was new, we knew we shared this intimacy but we would never delve into why there was always this sexually charged chemistry surrounding us.

“Just because we are not together Dylan doesn’t automatically mean I won’t forgive you all the same. Forgiveness comes in all different forms I guess our one will be platonic or in time you finding me to see that forgiveness has been given. I better go now, I’ve got my children today.”

“Oh I didn’t mean to keep you, I bet your kids are big now.”

“They are indeed. Jung Ying is 8 now she turns 9 next month and Wilson has just turned 7. They grow up to fast.”

“Wow, time doesn’t stand still for anybody. I bet those kids are a credit to you I would bet my life on it.”

“I don’t know about that they are a credit to themselves. I’m sorry if I don’t leave now I will be late and my time with them is extremely precious”. I knew my children would be waiting for me, even though I wanted to stay I knew I had to go. It was probably a blessing in disguise, if I stayed any longer I would be acting like a teenager with no care in the world or any disregard for the girlfriend that loved me dearly.

“It’s ok go. I get it. Thank you for coming to see me.” She rose to her feet and followed me to the door. I opened the door slowly; part of me not wanting to leave. She placed a light kiss on my cheek; our eyes said it all.

“Goodbye Helena.”

“Goodbye Dylan.” My words barely above a whisper, with that I was gone.