Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

That’s for my mom, for not talking to me about this stuff. And for Aunt Alice, for not telling me anything. And, mostly, for myself.

It was one thing to have a plan that kind of fell short. It’s kind of another to just not have a plan at all. In fact, in case you forgot, it’s stupid.

After I left the hotel, there was no way I’d be going back. I wouldn’t give mom that satisfaction.

And it’ll be worth it. I don’t care how much my feet hurt. I don’t care that I probably walked three miles in circles. If I was too stupid to look up the address for The Bette Porter Gallery, I deserve sore feet.

I kind of needed to work off a little excess energy, anyhow.

I did find the address. Wasn’t that hard, really. And I got a cab to take me to the gallery, even if the driver did start screaming at me in some language I don’t know when I hopped out to get some cash. I promised him I’d be right back, I don’t know what his problem was.

Bette wasn’t at the gallery, but Della was nice enough to cover the cab for me. I got a receipt, though; I’ll pay her back. I promised and all that.

She was even cool enough to let me hang out at the front desk of the gallery while she went to call some clients back. At least, that’s what I thought she was doing.

I guess I should figure that any adult is just going to lie to me, since I guess she called Bette.

At first, that was really cool, since it was Bette that I wanted to talk to, anyhow. At least, it seemed like a really cool idea.

Back to that whole plan thing. Well, this wasn’t a plan, exactly. But it was an idea, right?

I mean, I thought that if I came and talked to Bette, as cool as she was last night, that she’d be just as cool today. She’d help me, and she’d tell me the truth and stuff – something that appears to be lacking in the rest of the adults in my life.

And it’s not like I’m not used to dealing with adults. Being an only child, and being that very few of mom’s close friends ever had kids, I’ve always been around adults, you know? Sometimes, I guess I took it for granted, figured they sort of let me be one of them.

I figured wrong.

Now it feels like they’re all circling the wagons and preparing to attack. I’m the intended victim.

Bette was really stressed from the moment she breezed into the gallery.

“Where have you been?”

Yeah, nice to see you, too? “Huh?”

She directed me into the office and shut the door.

“I’ve been out searching. Tina’s out searching. None of your friends had seen you.”

“I needed some space.” At least one of us is holding to the idea that honesty is the best policy.

“Space? Jess,” it was at this point she paused and did some of that deep breathing stuff that mom does from time to time. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised if they both have some of those yoga tricks or something. “Jess, you can’t just run off like that. It’s not safe. You frightened your mother greatly.”

Part of me wants to say ‘good,’ but I know that won’t play well. Instead I just crossed my arms and took a seat in front of her desk. Here I thought I was escaping being yelled out.

Definitely not playing out as planned.

She sat on the edge of the desk, near me, but not too near. “Jess, please, you can’t do this to your mother.”

“I’m not doing anything.” Nothing but trying to find out a few things that she’s not inclined to say.

“Jess.”

“What?”

“Why did you take off?”

About now, I’m asking myself the same question.

No, scratch that. About now, I’m asking myself why I came here.

“I thought maybe you’d talk to me. No one else will.”

She just sat there. Face neutral. Is there an adult school for this stuff? Tormenting teens 101?

“I tried with my mom, and she just shut down. I called Aunt Alice. No one will tell me anything.”

“Anything?”

Great. Now she’s going to act dumb about the whole situation.

“Anything about you and mom. And I know there’s something there.” I made sure I caught her eyes. She wasn’t giving an inch, though. Well, neither am I. “And it involves me.”

“So you just ran away.”

I shrugged. Ok, so it’s a little harder to defend when someone puts it that way, but, yeah, that’s about it. But was that really all I did. “I did try to talk to them.”

“Sure you gave it what, a whole four hours since you left my place?”

There’s definitely a manual for this stuff.

“There’s a lot that no one will explain. Like my looks. Like my middle name.” She tried to look casual. “I know you know all this stuff, like I know you’ve been following my life through Aunt Alice, if not through others.”

“And it makes me wonder if somehow I’m just some big freak, or if maybe I stumbled upon the fact that mom’s made it her life’s work to keep a big piece of my life missing?”

Bette stiffened. “Do not be angry with your mother.”

“But she’s the one” I was getting this very hard look, and figured it was better not to keep going on that track. “I can see why you left. She drove you away.”

Bette flinched and turned away. That had to be it, right? I figured it out. I was supposed to be their kid, but my mom didn’t want to share, or something bizarre. Who knows if they’d have ever told me.

Instead, she kicked Bette out. Bette was smart enough to leave the state. I stayed with mom never knowing there’s another mom out there who wants me, too.

When Bette turned around again that hard look was back. “I will not have you speaking this way about your mother. Your mother loves you, always and unconditionally. Never forget that.”

It’s a little hard to be convinced of anything else when mom’s so unwilling to talk to me.

I pulled my legs up in to the chair and wrapped my arms around them.

At that point, Bette knelt aside the chair.

“Jess, sweetie, you’ve got to give your mom a little time. She loves you so much.”

I don’t want to hear this yay-rah-mom speech.

“She does,” doesn’t stop her, though. “But what happened between her and I is personal, and private. And there’s some things that aren’t, but can’t be explained that easily.”

She put her arm on mine. I can’t look at her, these stupid tears are threatening again. I scrunched my eyes closed.

“You need to give her time, Jess. She’ll talk to you.”

“You don’t know that.”

I heard a slight tapping on the door.

She got up and pulled her hand away. The spot on my arm where she’d had it immediately felt cold.

I heard the door open. I didn’t have to guess who was on the other side.

I heard Bette’s voice, though. “Let’s talk a moment, out here.”

Since they were in the gallery, I figured they couldn’t have a knock-down dragout or anything. I went closer to the door so I could hear better – it’s not my fault the door wasn’t shut completely.

I looked through the crack over where the door was connected to the frame. There wasn’t much space, but if I stood in the right spot I could see mom’s face.

Yeah, she was mad. And flustered. And had probably been crying. And who knew what else.

As disappointed as I was with Bette, at least she saved me from a full-on mom salvo. Who knows what kind of yelling would have commenced.

The whole getting up to hear them thing didn’t really work, though, since they were both pretty good at whispering, even though they were both clearly tense.

At one point Bette put her hand on mom’s shoulder, and mom jerked away. At that point she headed towards the office. I rushed back to my seat, trying to keep up my casual demeanor.

I did not want mom to rattle me. Not now.

“Jess.”

Nope, I’m not turning to face her, either. I will not make this easy.

“Jessica.”

“Why not Jessica Isabeau?” Ok, maybe I didn’t quite get the whole snotty thing out of my system. “Or would that be Jessica Elizabeth.”

Mom came over to where I was sitting. She.was.not.pleased. I cannot stress that enough.

Her mouth was set in a thin line, and her nostrils were flaring.

“This is not the time or the place to have this discussion.”

Yeah, neither of those things seem to exist. “Again.”

“Jessica, please. Let’s just go back to the hotel.”

“How about my place?” Enter, Bette Porter. I hope you survive the experience.

Mom immediately snapped her head around, giving Bette a look.

“It’s private, and it’s nearby. We can talk, have some lunch.”

Sounded great to me. “Yeah, let’s go to Bette’s.”

Bad strategic move on my part.

“Is that your plan? Turn her against me?”

Uh, no, mom. That’s your plan.

“T. Tina. I think that we have some things to discuss.”

Yeah, like why one of my two mommies kept me from the other.

“Do we, Bette? Or do you just want to take her now? You know, there’s a little more to being a mother than just indulging a child when she misbehaves.”

Great. Now mom’s going off who-knows-where in this conversation. Maybe I should have just kept walking, even if it was in circles.

“Tina,” I couldn’t see Bette at this point, but she was not sounding pleased at how mom was addressing her. “Let’s just get out of here.”

“We should get out of here, out of this city.” She looked at me. “I should have never let you come.”

“Tina, please, may we talk outside for one moment?”

Yes, Bette, please. Get her out of here.

They were gone for more than a moment. I didn’t care. It’s not like at this point my day was going anywhere, anyway.

I just sat there, all tense and stuff, awaiting their return. Why do I get the feeling that this is not going to be good?

(tbc)

(but probably not until late Monday or Tuesday, at the soonest, provided interest remains)