I placed the rolled up bill to my nose and ran it along the fine white line of powder. I only saw her when I looked up after she called out my name.

***** T.


Alright. Before you condemn me just here me out, okay?

You see when youre associated with the entertainment business, everyone thinks that gives them a right to your whole life, youre there to entertain them, period. That you arent your own person, you are in fact a living breathing soap opera, and they have a god given right, to include themselves in your life.

You are not real, your not flesh and blood, you are just someone they watch on Television, or hear on the radio. Every single thing is up for grabs. They want to know your deepest most sensitive details, they think they put you were you are, they, deserve to know, they paid for it. Youre entertainment and entertainment is for everyone, right? Its like they think you made a contract to share every last thing to anyone whos willing to hear it. But you didnt.

I just wanted to sing. I just wanted to be me. I just wanted to be loved, for being me. But I wasnt me anymore. The real me was dead and buried five years ago, Tina Kennard didnt exist. I was Joss Knight, and everyone but me wanted a piece of her.

This little white powder I took, it gives you time and it gives you space, It, clears your head and returns all the brio you lost during the course of a ***** day.

I only take a little. Im smart enough to know the difference between brio and bouncing off the walls.

It was my escape, a way to be in my own little world where no one or nothing could get to me. I could be me. I could shed the mask, for a while anyway, and then carry on living the lie. But carrying on isnt always that easy.

Did you know that if you prevent yourself from blinking long enough, your eyes will start stinging, and a tear will form, and if youre really lucky it will swell and roll gently over your lower lid and down your cheek?

I dont think thats what Bette did though.

Dont you dare ***** judge me Bette, you have absolutely no ***** clue what its like to be me.

She moved closer, and knelt down beside me. She sat there searching my face, as though it was going to give her all the answers as to what was going on with me. It didnt.

Im not going to judge you Tina. Her voice was barely a whisper. I would like to know whats going on with you though?

Why would you want to know that Bette? I said it with so much venom in my, voice, she let out a loud gasp.

Because I care about you . . .because I care about what happens to you T. She said, stroking my cheek.

I flinched at her touch, she felt it and I knew it had hurt her, I could see it in her eyes, her, body language spoke volumes. It didnt deter me from saying what I did next.

I dont give a ***** whether you care or not. I rose to my feet, and started pacing the floor. Your feelings towards me have no relevance whatsoever, so get the ***** out of here Bette, forget you ever saw me, because I wish to God Id never saw you again.

You dont mean that Tina.

Dont I? I should never have agreed to play at the Planet.

You did it for Kit, you were doing her a favour.

It was a mistake.

No it wasnt.

Yes . . . it was. I looked at her long and hard, with a steely expression. I wanted her to fight with me, to shout and scream, at me, but she was having none of it.

You were fantastic up there T, did I tell you that? Im, so proud of you Tina.

What? Was she ***** humouring me now? Trying to keep the sad ***** addict from teetering over the edge? What did she think I was going to do? Throw myself from the ***** window?

Dont ***** humour me Bette.

Im not humouring you T, I love the way you sing, I always have, you, know that.

Your opinions are of no consequence to me, anymore, please leave.

Im not leaving Tina. She says. Nothings been resolved. Shes still sitting on the floor, her hands clasped anxiously between her knees.

Theres nothing to resolve Bette.

You keep saying that, but youre wrong T. I should never have just left like I did. I knew something was bothering you, I should have stayed and maybe . . .

And maybe what? I cut in. Maybe you wouldnt have found me snorting a line of coke, maybe I wouldnt have took it if youd have been here to protect me? Dont ***** flatter yourself Bette.

I want to protect you T. I want to be here for you, thats why I came back.

Well you shouldnt have bothered, Ive managed perfectly fine without you for the past five years, I dont need your protection, or want it.

I dont believe you Tina.

I dont give a *****, are you deaf, I want you to leave.

She uncoiled herself from the floor and got up.

Ive already told you, Im going nowhere.

We stare at each other. Impasse.

The cokes kicked in and Im feeling an overwhelming sense of euphoria, and alertness. I simply turn my back on her and walk in to my bedroom. Do what the ***** you want. I throw out before slamming the bedroom door

I sat down crossed legged on the bed and picked up a pen and paper and started scribbling down my thoughts. I dont remember how long I was writing before I fell asleep.

Bette went in to Tinas bedroom about Two hours after she had left her standing there, all alone, she too had fell asleep, on the couch, lost in her thoughts. Tina was curled up fast asleep clutching the sheet of paper in her hand. Bette sat down on the bed and stared at the woman she once loved, the woman she had in fact, deep down never really stopped loving. Shed put those feelings out of reach when Tina had left, but seeing her tonight had brought them all to the surface again, and it had scared the living daylights out of her. She reached over and gently took the piece of paper from Tinas grasp, and slowly read the words to the song, Tina had wrote.


So unimpressed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a *****
So self aware so full of *****
So indecisive so adamant
I’m contemplating thinking about thinking
It’s so frustrating just get another drink in
Watch me come undone

They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum
And I’m the one
I come undone
I come undone

So rock and roll so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well trained, so animal
So need your love, so ***** you all
I’m not scared of dying I just don’t want to
If I stopped lying I’d just disappoint you
I come undone

They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum
And I’m the one
I’ve come undone

So write another ballad
Mix it on a Wednesday
Sell it on a Thursday
Buy a yacht by Saturday
It’s a love song
A love song
Do another interview
Sing a bunch of lies
Tell about celebrities that I despise
And sing love Songs
We sing love Songs
So sincere
So sincere

They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I’m coming down you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum
And Im the one
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I’ve come undone
I am scum
You’ve gotta love my sad song, my love song
My sad song, my love song, my sad song, my love song


What Bette read nearly broke her heart and as she quietly laid her sobbing body next to Tina and gently wrapped her arms around her, she whispered. You can come undone T, and Im going to be right here to catch you baby. Im going nowhere. Youre stuck with me T, and this time its for good.






(To Be Continued . . .)