…….Was both herself and Love, O, then give pity, To her whose state is such that cannot choose But lend and give where she is sure to lose; That seeks not to find that her search implies, But, riddle-like, lives sweetly where-


She dies. Dana added, having heard the monologue over 7 times since Tina began practicing after dinner. She watched her cousin speaking while looking in a mirror, thinking it slightly insane. According to Tina, repeating monologues in the mirror helps me find the expressions that Im looking for. The tedious scene had become old the first time that Dana had heard it, but she had to admit that her younger cousin was in fact learning the lines fast, only stumbling on the words every few times.


Im sorry if Im bothering you, Dane. Tina said sympathetically, watching as Dana struggled with a fresh set of new Calculus problems. The blonde was beyond nervous; tomorrow was the first audition of her high school career. And although she had auditioned for numerous plays before, Tina was just as nervous as the first time. Now she was in a new school, there were many more people to impress. If she got the part, people would know her name. They wouldnt laugh at her or attempt to smash her face in during lunch. They might actually appreciate her abilities.


It doesnt matter, Tina. Youre going to score the lead role, whatever that might be.


Juliet? Tina laughed at the ignorance that Dana showed towards the theater. Im trying hard, I really want to fit in.


Yeah, I can see that. Its enough that on your first day you got picked on, twice. Dana stifled her laugh as hazel eyes sent a burning glare in her direction. I mean, thank god youre okay! Just stay clear of that Shane girl tomorrow. Im betting shell leave you alone, mostly because youre the only one who had the guts to push her back.


Or, she might kill me. Either way. Tina shrugged sarcastically, But you know, Im not afraid of her. Shes just a punk kid who thinks shes so great because she can get some every once in a while. I dont think thats a very good rep to have, shes the schools *****.


***** ***** of course. Dana added. My friend Alice is totally all over her, so much for being a bisexual. She goes after the girl who is a little bit of both sides, a little bit manly, but still a woman.


Alice? Tina asked, immediately looking over to Dana. Alice Pieszecki, that reporter girl? Newspaper queen or whatever?


Dana looked at Tina with wide eyes, as if headlights had found her hiding in a place that she wasnt supposed to be, You know Alice… Wow, what a coincidence. You seem to be making a lot of friends.


Who said she was my friend? Tina laughed, Shes such a weirdo. Following Bette around and all that stuff.


Wait, youre friends with Bette? Dana asked, arching both brows.


Tina shrugged looking back through her monologue, Oh yeah, shes totally cool.


Are we talking about the same Bette?


Bette Porter? Tina asked as Dana nodded. Yeah, she was in my study hall. I thought I told you about how she saved my ***** from a bunch of rowdy seniors. It was totally out of the blue, I dont know. Sticking up for the underdog and all. She looked at Dana, remembering that Dana had in fact asked if it was that certain Bette. Why did you ask?



Shes a fantastic artist, and its just amazing that youve found a friend in her. She never seemed open to new friendships or anything. Always just being a loner and hanging out with that guy, and that one girl… Karli?


Yeah, well she seemed really friendly to me.


Did I mention she is the hottest girl I have ever seen in my life? Not that I like her, or anything, shes straight. But honestly, she is every lesbians dream, other than the fact that she digs the ***** and all. Dana nodded.


You like Alice? Tina asked suddenly, changing the subject.


No. Dana replied quickly, having been caught off guard. Her cheeks glowed and her eyes darted around the room nervously. Once again, she was caught off guard as Tina laughed and tossed her cousin back onto the bed.


Youre not making it obvious at all, or anything. Tina laughed and fell beside her cousin, rolling up in the comforter. Im sorry if I offended you or anything, I was kinda mean to her earlier and I guess Ill need to apologize for that.


Shes a quirky girl, youve gotta get used to her antics. Dana said, stuffing her face into a pillow to hide the embarrassment. A green eye looked out from beyond the depths of the feather projected pillow. You promise that you wont say anything to her? I trust you, but I dont know what shell do if she finds out. She has a hard time staying quiet.


Secret is safe with me, dont worry about it. Tina laughed and made a slight reference to zipped lips. She glanced over at Dana, Are you ever going to confront her about it?


I cant, the way that she is would totally ruin my life. Shed somehow tell everyone, and itd get around to my family. Which is pretty bad news. I know you think my mom and dad are nice and totally cool with everything, but in truth, theyre not. Try living with them for 16 years. A sigh slipped past nude lips, hissing as it broke the silent barrier that had found itself before them. I hate living here. As if it werent hard enough dealing with my own emotions, my parents have to crack those stupid homophobic jokes all the time.


Dont let it get to you. Tina said, stumbling off the bed as she dug through her bag, discovering a pair of large boxer shorts and a spaghetti strapped black cami. If you ever decide to come out to them, Ill be by your side, holding your hand. You dont need to worry.


I know, and I love you for it. Dana smiled, finding her own pajamas inside the brown dresser beside her bed.


The two sat in silence for a few moments, each pondering something of their own. Tina looked over at her cousin, arching a brow as she opened her mouth, but shut it, struggling to find words. She found the courage and correct words after a minute, smiling at Dana, How did you know that you were attracted to girls? And when did you make the judgment that it wasnt just envy?


Dana thought for a moment, perplexed by her cousins question. A hand subconsciously rose to her neck, scratching lightly along the flesh of her nape. I guess I dont know, I would just get that butterfly feeling around them. I never really thought about dating guys, it wasnt a priority for me. It wasnt until I went to camp and found myself wanting to spend every moment with her that I really figured that it wasnt just this phase or it wasnt a envy issue. It was, attraction. Lust.


Wow. Tina said simply, immediately thinking back to the feelings she had that morning; the ones that she initially thought were nerves or excitement. Even when she had looked at the yearbook, Bette Porter had stood out as beautiful. Was it envy? Attraction? Lust? Tina had no idea, but there was a ton more for her to contemplate. For instance, were the nerves of the first day of school interfering with those of her heart? The sinking feeling in her stomach that of an oncoming crush, rather than fear.


As Dana turned out the light and found her way beneath the sheets, Tina sat against the wall, staring out the window at the palm trees and green lawns that lined the street. The big houses with the lights dimmed and the driveways crowded with fifty thousand dollar cars. This was home. No more suburban apartments with oak trees and minivans. This was a new life. A new beginning. And a new, very confused Tina Kennard. With feelings that she was just beginning to understand.

TBC….