I tossed and turned all night. It was hot as a bone oven outside and the shoddy fans in the apartment only successfully made it lukewarm throughout the room I was in. It didnt help that what I was given to sleep on wasnt all that comfortable either. The bed was a monstrous box spring, a mattress thin foam and molding; two sprays of Lysol and a thin sheet lie between me and Bedzilla. I turned to my right and all I saw was the huge kitchen cockroach, thinking to myself it was a Mormon cricketLos Alamos grown I turned to my left and all I could see was my room. Purple and blueunbelievably girly, still with pictures of hot movie stars on the walls (girls and guys I realized), a pillow-top mattress that would make you feel like you were in heaven. I finally got to close my eyes and fall into that place just before youre totally asleep, dreams fused with reality. Of course, the first thing that comes into my head here is Bette and the last time we were in my room together; waking up to her was the best feeling in the world, I felt safe and loved, warmth. Moving deeper to sleep my dreams began to shift and Dorian appeared, I felt dangerous in the dream although I dont remember much about it. It was new, exciting. I saw piercing green eyesthen I woke up. Startled I sat up quickly and found those eyes at my window. Drenched in sweat and shivering I threw the flimsy sheet back and walked to the window. No eyes, just the street below, three stories down. I shook my head, mad at myself for getting so worked up over a dream I barely remember as I slipped on a pair of flip flops; meager protection from giant kitchen roaches. I wandered out towards the kitchen/dining/kitchen area, luckily finding nothing but the snores of a crashed out Andy on the couch. After the day I met Dorian I started hiding out. I didnt know what was going on with me, so naturally I was a little freaked. I spent them sleeping in like my long lost Uncle, his excuse was because he worked late and he could. In the afternoons we ate fast food and actually talked, Of course I want more some day ya know? He was still young I guess, but time was running out. A house of my own ya. A good woman maybe. Have you dated anyone since mom? Eh, slept with a lot, Im not really a movies type of guy. I found this relatively easy to believe. Yeah but theres more to dating than movies. He shook his head and grabbed a fry of my burger wrapper. I dont do dinnerunless they cook. Again, easily believed. Oh come on Uncle Andywhat about love? He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. You can stop calling me that, he laughed Love is overrated, besides I popped a fry into my mouth as he continued, No one can measure up to your mom. I swear I almost choked. What woman did he know that I never got to meet? I probably gave him a look like he was insane. Anyway, thats probably as deep as our conversations ever got. I tried to write Bette once, and I found that I had lost her address. I remember going completely mental at that, I turned my makeshift bedroom upside down looking for that little slip of paper. I sat on the floor surrounded by clothes and bags and cried, I really had no way of talking to Bette, of course I could walk somewhere, use a payphone, but I dont know her number and I forgot her cell numberstupid phones make it to easy not to have to remember a numberI cursed cell phones for about three hours that day. I even went to the bowling alley in my hiding out time. Okay so I bowled once in a whileaveraged a 98, with a few games around 130. But come on, theres some people that spend half their lives in bowling alleys. I watched the same people come in at the same time every night. It took me a while to realize that they came in for more that just a few games of good clean fun. Some came to flirt. I watched them, obnoxious and transparent in their attempts to make their spouses jealous, or ignoring them altogether; desperate ones, hungry to recapture escaped dreams and years of wasted youth. My eyes drifted over all of them with a disgusted eye. Some of them came there substance shopping. They disappeared into back rooms and bathrooms only to return red-eyed and crusty-nosed, coughing and sniffling, either too mellow or really really wound up. I was never really faced with drugs in school, and definitely never sought them out. The crowd I hung with was strictly of the alcoholic variety, their parents were just rich enough to afford top notch booze; they werent the overly rich who crashed back down to the level of street whores and crack fiends with their powdery drug addictions. No, I wasnt friends with those kinds of people, but I wasnt clueless. While I watched one thing became glaringly obvious though; where the party went, Andy followed. I guess he hadnt really changed that much from when he was with my mom. I remember most of moms boyfriends had some sort of drug/alcohol issues, and my guess is that he wasnt any different. He wasnt a bad guy though. I guess he lacked ambition and was extremely lazy, well at least when the days drug was green. He told me hed done it since he was thirteen. Couldnt quit if I tried. But why would I do that ya? It keeps me mellow, happy. It makes me eat too much, but oh well ya know? The white stuff though was a different story. Hes stay up all night and not eat a thing, bowling, doing line after line. I watched his rent money go right up his nose. We used to do coke til Just Say No came along and now we cant get *****. Now its Meth, crank, its a ***** on the body; you fly like ***** though. He laughed, if you could call it that, it was more like a girlie giggle followed by a snort and then sniffling. I knew what he was talking about though, I watched him. Two days, two nights, no sleep, no food, coming down he crashed.hard. He slept for twelve hours, got up for a drink and to pee, then he slept six more. Good thing it was his day off. I guess it was more like he always had the day off. I wondered if he ever went to work, his mind crashed down around him from exhaustion. Did he sometimes blow it off completely, take a sharpie and note the Illness of the Day on his wall calendar. I was bored as *****. No bowling, no idle small talk, just plain old empty time. I decided to walk down to the corner store and grab and Pepsi and the latest Cosmo. Guess who was buying a pack of cigarettes? Swimsuit, perfect pale skin, glistening summer sweat, one look and I was Play-Doh. Her green eyes were shining and intense, I dont know if it was the sun or those eyes that made me look away. I saw her smile, and I knew she knew that my legs were threatening to discontinue their support of the rest of my body. That drop-dead-in-your-tracks smile made me stop for a second and she strolled up next to me. Hey there Sadie. Her voice dripped, honey and cream; an irresistible poison. Are you avoiding me? She asked with such faux innocence that I was forced to scramble for an explanation for making her feel bad. No, I was spending time with myuhh, uncle. I said. All night bowling? She asked, her tone lilting with amusement. I shot her a look and she stopped in mid chuckle as I scrounged for change and came up short. Its no problem, my treat. She put change down for my Pepsi and asked me if she could walk back with me, Ill be good, promise. She smirked again and I felt my heart flutter. Of course I said yes. We walked, hip brushing hip, my breath caught as her arm snaked around my waist and her thumb rested in a belt loop. Are you on your own today? She asked casually, and it only served to catapult my heart further into my throat. I nodded a yes. Do you wanna talk for a little? Now my stomach joined my heart in my throat. I nodded again, this girl was making me mute. Her mom was at work so we went to her apartment. A nice, quiet place to talk; she pulled out a cigarette, Do you mind? What was I gonna say? It was her place, her lungs. I know, its a bad habit. I watched her hands, soft and graceful, she lit the match with finesse. She lit the end of the cigarette and inhaled deeply, a satisfied smile playing in her lips as her eyes rolled back slightly while she closed them and inhaled. I found myself wondering what else makes her smile like that, makes her eyes roll back in her head. Have any bad habits? She asked as her eyes opened up, I saw that dangerous glint, those dream eyes. I could have made something up, but I didnt and just shook my head negatively. Do you want any? I wanted her I noticed, bad enough. I reached for the cigarette in her hand and that smile came back into play. You dont smoke do you? She questioned. I brought the stick to my lips and took a small puff, then struggled like ***** not to cough or throw up. Careful, you might get sick. Her hand was one the small of my back. I did the sensible thingI took another drag and I felt better. She moved impossibly closer and locked eyes with me, her head tilted just a fraction and I felt really queasy. I could tell she wanted to kiss me, I felt it with every nerve, every fiber of my being, and I knew that I wanted to kiss her, I was so scared. I had never kissed another girl besides Bette, but she leaned in and parted those perfect lips. I think at that exact moment my every single thing about my life changed. ______________________________________ The weeks flew by after that and I found myself not caring about anything but us. Monday we ducked Lynn and made out at the park. Tuesday we caught a movie, sat in the back row, and really made out. Wednesday we had a slurpee fight and kissed the sticky stuff off each others faces. Thursday it was back to her house, things got heavy, heart-stopping heavy. Friday we bummed a ride and went skinny dipping at the Red Rock Lake. Saturday I was having dinner with Andy, wishing I was with Dorian. So I snuck out afterwards for a smoke and a quick grope. Sunday I met her at the bowling alley. Somehow it all looked different. It was still a rundown old bowling alley in a horrible part of town, with the same unwashed masses night after night, but I had changed I guess. I didnt care about other peoples obsessions, because I was obsessed. I didnt care about other peoples public make-out sessions, because I was plotting make-out sessions. I didnt care about women stealing boyfriends or boyfriends stealing girlfriends, I stole someones girlfriend hadnt I? And somehow I didnt care about the backroom parties, because suddenly I was invited, it was my turn. Life is full of choices. We dont always make the good ones. Like maybe leaving Bette was a bad choice. Tina thinks that leaving your window open and inviting in the demons is a crazy choice. Sadie throws rocks through feeble glass and laughs. You have to remember that it was a tempestuous week. I was snared by emotions rubbing me so raw I hurt at night, alone in the dark. I got this trip for falling madly in love with the sweetest girl I had ever known, in hopes that it would straighten me out. Instead I fell for a bad girl from the wrong side of the tracks, or maybe the wrong part of the country. I had arrived wanting to go home, or better yet go to Philadelphia. Now, the dark side of Houston was looking pretty good. So when she asked me about getting high with her, I barely thought, I just agreed. We smoked some good Cali green and it took me three tries to put me where she said I should be. I was sleepy, not high at all but really low, and slow. Not my idea of a party. I wanted something else. Why go down if you can go up right? We met at the bowling alley. I introduced Dorian to uncle Andy, he and Lolita already knew each other. Small building. Their networking surprised me, I dont know why really. She and Andy talked for a bit about different substances floating about. Andy seemed fine with the fact that I knew about such things. Someone called for bowling shoes and Andy went off. You ready to party? She asked. I was ready to take a big bite of freedom before my time was up. You have to be sure. My mother expected me home in 10 days.of course I was sure. Okay, lets get to the back room then. She grabbed my hand as we walked to the back and ducked behind some crates, sitting on the floor. Youve never tried this? She asked sweetly as she was running her fingers through my hair. I nod and magically a mirror and a razor blade appeared. I swear youre going to love it, itll be okay. I watched her pour the powder, a yellowish white. She used the blade to chop up the chunks fine and to draw two crooked lines. Itll take you to heaven, make you want to fly. Dorian leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and held the mirror to my face with a straw. Itll make you want to make love to me. I looked at her, and at that point I didnt care anymore, about home, here, Philadelphia. Just before the drop, you know how you stand and stand and stand for the most giant incredible rollercoaster youve ever attempted. The anticipation is swelling, minute by minute by minute, and then you wait even longer just to ride in the front car, finally its your turn. They buckle you in, lock the safety bar with a jolting clunk. Hook engaged, the chains jerk and you start to climb. Cresting to the top, time moves into overtime as you wait for the scant hesitation just before you drop and knowing you cant turn back. You know how you feel right then, at that moment? Well thats exactly how you feel right before you shake hands with the monster. Theres no time like the first time. Your nose ignites like fire, pure flameless kerosene (or some say Drano, laced with ephedrine. You want to cry, powdered demons biting through cartilage and sinuses, taking dead aim at your brain, it feels like theyre jumping inside you and making you want to scream. Troops of tapping feet fall into rhythm marking time between your eyes. You get the urge to dance, louder, louder, ultra gray-matter powers shock waves of energy mushroom inside your head. You want to let go, detonate, annihilate barriers, bring down the walls, unleash floodwaters. Freeing long captive dreams to ride the current through arteries and capillaries, pulsing, rushing, raging torrents pounding against your heart sweeping you away. But acting like that isnt cool. So I sat and smiled, pretending like it didnt faze me, didnt touch me. She looked me in the eye, trying to measure a hint of a reaction. Tell me how you feel. She asks. I couldnt stand it another second so I closed my eyes daring her to kiss me, and she does; its electric, high voltage stun-gun strength desire jolting sinew and bone. Want more? I reasoned, if a little is good, more must be great right? Well sometimesthat time! It didnt burn as bad, nasal self-defense Im guessing. It launched me to a place very near the gates of heaven, and Dorian took me the rest of the wayokay, maybe not all the way. Although I guess it couldve been a matter of semantics. How does Webster define all the way. Start to finish? An act of defilement, pure physicality, there was no choice but to say yes, no stopping now, no holds barred, everything off? Because it wasnt that It was gentle persuasion as I listened to her talk to me. I cant get enough of you. Her sweet coercion whispering in my ear as her arms whispered across my skin. My beautiful angel. It was like a magnet to metal, hands exploring taboo places. Lips and tongues not far behind hands. Her lips feather soft trailing down my body, skin to skin, shoulder to stomach; body rush after body rush of building intensity. A thick voice telling me to touch her. A hot flush across my chest and cheeks, a raging blush with quick start ignition. She grabs my wrist and pops the buttons on her jeans open pulling my hand inside as my fingers find her wet heat and she gasps. See how much I need you? I can feel my confidence building more and more as she moans and thrusts her hips. An instant crash and the ice was doused on our heat at the voices outside the door. Dont stop now, its okay. I didnt want to stop, but one of those voices was Andy. They were just here a while ago. We scrambled to cover flushed skin, passion, and stash. I didnt see them leave. Trepidation, just this side of anticipation and I tingled. They must be around here somewhere. The monster stomped up and down my spine. Lolita? Tina? Are you there? Uh oh Dorian looked at me and whispered, Whos Tina? For some reason I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. Creepy, insane laughter erupted from me like lava, in gigantic heaving gulps. We were so bustedI was busted. And I really didnt give a damn.