Bette stood in the shower letting the hot water cascade down her back. She was washing away the dust of taxis and airplanes and thinking about her conversation with Tina. Once again, it had not gone as well as Bette had hoped. She seemed to tap into Tinas anger right away. Shed hoped for a warmer reception to the flowers she sent and well, a warmer conversation.
Bette squeezed the bottle of liquid soap and a soft scent of ginseng filled the shower. She yearned to go back to earlier times with Tina. Maybe a year ago before everything happenedor maybe earlierway back to the beginning when the sight of Tina made her heart race. Those giddy, euphoric, romantic early days when they were so full of love and want.
Bette watched the scented soap bubbles dance across her hand. She remembered how Tina stepped into her shower once at the gym. An instant of shock quickly warmed to delight when their eyes met and the mischievous spark in Tinas eyes lit a fire inside Bette.
Tina was aglow with joy. Bette closed her eyes and saw it all again. She could almost feel Tinas soft, ***** kiss and unconsciously she leaned back into the spray just as they had done together that day. Their heated bodies were wet and slick with soap rivulets of water ran down Tinas body as she glided her hands over Bettes skin
Bette moved her right hand down and turned to lean against the shower wall. Her right cheek touched the cool tile and suddenly another recent memory of another cool wall against her cheek intruded.
*****. She pushed herself away from the wall.
Shame jabbed her and she pounded her hand against the wall of the shower.
I am a ***** idiot.

Tina turned her face into the water and cried for a few moments. Then she leaned back against the shower wall, feeling spent. The last hour had been an emotional thrill ride. She had felt happy and stronger coming home from the weekend with her mother and then she saw the flowers, and Bettes note and everything inside her melted. Then Bette called andJesusthere she was in front of everyone. ***** embarrassing.
Tina grabbed the shampoo and squeezed some into the palm of her hand. She began to massage it into her hair. Their conversation had not gone well. She was caught off guard – when she talked with Bette it made her anger flare. Even when she set out to be calmer, to listen, her hurt was too sharp, too immediate.
Now she had to collect herself again to go out and sit at the dinner table with her mother, Wayne and Mary. Damn and *****.
Tina turned off the water and stood watching it swirl down the drain. It had been good to hear Bettes voice, she admitted that to herself. But where were they? Not together and not apart. Not apart fully.
She grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her shoulders. She had barely thought about finances and what she would do now. Bette was supporting her – what about that? How would they work out the money? What would she do? It made her head spin, but she had to think about it soon.
Their lives were intertwined in a thousand ways. They owned a house together. They had friends together. They had shared dates on a calendar. They had memories that no one else knew, and jokes so old they only remembered the laughs. Theyd had the morning paper and the last of the milk. Theyd had a favorite flavor and shirts that fit them both. Theyd had the dream of a baby
Tina sat down and took some deep breaths. All that shed thought was certain and true and important was stolen in that terrible moment of recognition at the CAC. She felt her anger again and understood why it flared when she listened to Bette try to explain herself. Tina stood up. She wanted to talk to Bette again and she would, but first she had to get through this damned dinner.