Tina went into her room and then began to book her flights – First Class seat leaving at 11:30 on Wednesday morning for New York and a return first class flight leaving New York at 9:30 on Thursday night. It would arrive at 6:30 am on Friday morning – LA time.  She would sleep on the plane at least 4 hours, but she would need a nap on Friday morning.  And that way, she would be over her jet lag by the evening and ready to be with Angie and Bette.

She then looked up the list of therapists in the area.  She wanted to see someone on either Monday or Tuesday, preferably while Angie was in school.  She felt that she could waste no time. She had decided that she would call off the engagement with Carrie when she saw her on Thursday.  How did I get here?  If there had been no Angie and no Bette, this should be a very happy time of my life. Am I really in love with Carrie? The more she thought about it, the more doubtful she became.  How well do I really know Carrie?  We have not lived together for more than a few weeks at a time.  Then she was off to an art show, or I’m back to Toronto to do my job. They had taken two weeks and gone to the Caribbean last year and really enjoy the sun, the sand and sex.  Angie had visited during summer in New York and again at Christmas for a week.  She seemed to get along with Carrie.  But now that Tina thought about it, it was somewhat like Angie got along with Helena and Dylan.  She was someone she knew, but she was so rarely in her life, she simply was not close to her. It was more in like Carrie was simply a friend of her mother’s. She was polite and quiet and didn’t interact with her much at all. How could Tina think that suddenly Angie would accept Carrie as a member of her family simply because she was married to her mother?  Tina thought to herself…life just doesn’t work that way.  How could I have thought that it would?

Tina then began to lay out her clothes for the evening and started to think about Bette and their earlier conversation.  Bette had not been negative, but she had not jump at the idea with the enthusiasm that Tina had halfway expected.  Tina then thought to herself…Well, I guess that was to be expected.  After all the whole separation and divorce and now impending marriage have all blindsided Bette. I never sat down and discussed any of it with Bette.  I never explained what was going on with me.  I just acted and let Bette fin for herself.  Why did I do that?  Why couldn’t I sit down and explain why I was going down this path?  Why did I have to get away?  Why did I need a divorce? Why did I need Carrie?  How could I cast almost 20 years of life aside and not be able to face her with the why’s? Then it struck Tina…. The truth…  The why’s I told myself were simply not true. I told myself that the reasons were that Bette was simply an overpowering personality who took all the oxygen in the room and left nothing for me.  That wasn’t true.  Bette has always tried to assist me to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve.  Even when we were young, she never insisted I quit my job to get pregnant.  That was my idea, my decision and my choice. How many times did she ask, “Is this what you really want to do – you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”  But when I quit my job, that is when she sold her gallery and went to work for CAC to have a steady paycheck and the security, she thought we needed for our family. And when we moved from LA to New York, she wanted me to take the job if I wanted it, she would adjust to New York life.  It was my choice and decision; she just wanted me to be happy. And it was my decision not to pursue jobs which would take me out of town after I lost my initial New York job.  I didn’t even discuss those job opportunities with Bette, I just rejected them.  During all those years, it was never Bette who demanded that I not consider those jobs, it was me who forced those decisions on Bette. It was me who decided that I would be Angie’s primary caregiver.  It was me who felt stifled from my lack of creativity and productivity. And I blamed Bette. And I let her think that I was happy and content until I couldn’t do it anymore. And I left. And I blamed her for it! What a fucking bitch I am! I have hidden my thoughts and fears and desires from her. I have allowed her to think things were good when I knew they were not. I have deceived her by simply not telling her the truth. And what’s worse I lied to myself.  If I were her, I wouldn’t trust me either. Oh Bette, I am so sorry…I’m going to do what I can to make this right.  I just hope, I’m not too late.