But its been amazing, more that I ever hoped it would be. During my loneliest nights, alone with Mr. P, I used to imagine what a life with Alice would be like. It was the only time I let myself go there. And in my wildest dreams, it couldnt have been as good as this. Its been everything. I have by best friend and my best girl wrapped in one. Its been better than the dream because its real. Good and bad, its real. We argue and disagree and have problems, but we always love, so we work it out. She is my other half. There is no other way to look at her. Without her, I am incomplete. So why am I doing this?

Lara, thats why. I never got over Lara. I ended it. I was scared and overwhelmed. I thought my career couldnt withstand coming out. So I pushed her away. I gave up. I was a child. I acted like a child. She was this constant reminder of who I didnt have the strength to be. When the Subaru ad came out, Shane asked me why I didnt try to work things out with Lara. I couldnt face her. I cared for her. In some ways, I loved her. I never gave it enough time to see where that could go. And I just threw her away. How could I have gone back to her? She would never have taken me back. Not after the way I treated her.

She is an amazing woman though, beautiful, smart, sweet, *****. She wanted me. She was my first adult relationship. It didnt last all that long and I didnt really do such a good job of being in a relationship. But I wanted to. God, how I wanted to be a better person for her. I wanted to be able to love her as she deserved to be loved. But I wasnt ready for it. After a while, I got used to it. I met Tonya and well that whirl wind took my mind off of her. And then there was Alice.

I heard a quote once, that a well lived life was one where there were no what ifs. Well Lara is my what if. How could she not be? I walked away from her when I was at the happiest that I had been, at least until that moment. But to try that again, would mean leaving my heart with Alice. I would lose my other half and my best friend. But if I dont try, I will always wonder what if. That isnt fair to Alice either. Would I end up resenting her? I love her more than life itself. I dont want to lose her but I dont want to resent her.

Its such a stroke of poetic justice. I mean there are times I think that God gets his kicks from putting us in these horribly ironic, satirical moments just to laugh at us try to get out of it. Think about it. Here is Lara, wanting me back after everything. And I am finally the person she would need me to be. But its Alice that helped me become that woman. And its Alices heart I would have to break to do it. So here is the rock, here is the hard place and thats me, right in between.