Tina placed the phone down after speaking to Alice and the smile that had been on her face due to Alices comment at the end, started to fade.

She thought about everything that she had just shared with Alice, some things that she herself had not really even thought about before, and realized just how sad it made her to know that she was one of the main reasons that Bette had gone through what she had.

She could not help but think how much of the current ***** that they were going through could have been avoided.

There was never a time that Tina had not loved Bette. She had fallen in love with her at first sight, and both women were aware of that. The feelings that Tina had for Bette ran at such a depth that even Tina knew not where they began or ended.

The question then was, why had she stopped caring both for and to a certain degree, about, Bette? What had happened to create her blas attitude towards Bette, admittedly, the love of her life?

It was never a question about her love for Bette though, because anyone that even slightly knew the two of them could, regardless of the situation, see the raw adoration and love that they had for each other. Sometimes, just to be in the same room with the two of them was simply too much. One felt like an interloper, witnessing something that was just meant for these two women.

What happened? asked Tina out loud, already knowing part of the answer though.

Punishment was all she said. I wanted her to hurt.

Tina rested her head against the back of the sofa, allowing the tears to gently roll down her face.

What kind of partner am I that I wanted you to hurt, Bette? she asked the empty apartment.

Not one that is deserving of this opportunity she softly answered herself.

She continued to rest her head on the sofa, thinking back on the last year of their life together.

When the two of them had decided to finally try and get pregnant, Tina knew that Bette had some reservations, mainly centered on her ability to be a good parent. Tina had dismissed her fears as ridiculous and trivial, leaving Bette to not bring them up again for discussion.

When Tina told Bette that she thought that she should quit her job in order to focus on getting pregnant, she presented it in a manner as fait accompli, decision made. She knew that she had not allowed Bette much of a role in helping arrive at the decision, but once it had been made, simply expected her to just assume the role of single bread winner and sole supporter for the two of them.

And when she did all that Tina had asked of her, despite the unusually long hours and added stress and tension, how did she respond to Bette? She got pissed. She was angry that Bette was always at work, not spending time at home with her or hanging out with their friends.

What the *****? she asked herself. I ask her to take on these Herculean tasks, she does so, and I then get pissed. Nice

She knew that it was not as black and white as she was laying it out to be. She and Bette did discuss the paths that they ended up taking, Tina had not exactly steam rolled over Bette in order to get her way. But she also knew that Bette was aware of how important it was to Tina to start a family and that she would never have said no to anything that Tina wanted. Deep down, she also knew that she had slightly abused that power over Bette in order to ensure that she got her way.

On the surface, Bette working as hard as she did was greatly appreciated by Tina, because it did allow her the luxury to try and start their family. What she had not planned on though was how much time it would mean that Bette was away from her. She had known that it was going to be a lot of work on Bettes part, but not the 60 hours a week or so that she had been averaging.

Not only that, but she knew what irked her the most about all of this was that Bette didnt seem to mind. She just didnt appear to have a problem with being away from her wife and home as much as she had had to in order to get everything done. At the end of the day, that was the biggest problem that Tina had with all of this, Bette didnt seem to be as phased as she was over their time apart from each other.

If I had just known that she would have rather been with me than at that ***** museum, it would have been a lot easier to swallow she thought to herself. But, she never told me. She never said to me that she missed me and would rather be with me she softly admitted out loud.

So, how did I decide to respond? *****! she exclaimed, standing up from the sofa and walking towards the kitchen.

Really ***** mature, Kennard she said, berating herself.

Her response to Bette not telling her that she was missed was to punish her. Her response was to ignore Bette, even when she knew that she was needed by her. It was done subtly enough so that Bette was never even aware that it was happening. Tina found herself caring less and less about what was going on at the museum, less and less as to what was happening in Bettes life, outside of the part that she was involved in at least.

And after she lost the baby, she stopped trying all together. She knew that she just did not ***** care about anything or anyone, including Bette. She pushed aside all attempts that Bette made at comfort, telling her that she just wished to be left alone.

One particular memory stood out vividly in Tinas recollection. When in bed together one night, Bette had put aside the book that she had been reading, turned on to her side to face Tina, watching her, waiting to be noticed. She had reached a hand out, lightly rubbing Tinas stomach, looking for nothing more than this simple touch, connection with her wife, and Tina, irritated by the gesture, had roughly pushed her hand aside telling Bette that she was trying to read.

Bette had just laid there, clearly hurt, watching Tina for anything. Seeing that no additional response from Tina was to be offered, she slowly brought her hand back to her body, rolled back over to her side of the bed, turned out her light and went to sleep, no more words spoken between the two of them.

Tina had felt Bette roll over and only after her light had been turned out and her eyes closed, did Tina turn and look at Bette. She knew that what she had done had been cruel, but could not find the strength to reach out to her, the distance between the two seeming too great to cross. Not long after, she had turned her own light off, turning away from Bette and tried to sleep.

Sleep never came easy to Tina though. She was haunted by images of the baby that she had lost. She always wanted to reach out to Bette, who usually was soundly sleeping, but never did. It pissed her off that Bette was able to sleep and inevitably the next day, Tina, working on only a couple of hours of rest, was all the more irritable with Bette.

She knew that Bette was probably spending more time away from home than needed because she was not exactly a desirable person to be around. But at the time, all she could think was ***** her! She has no ***** idea what I am going through and if she cant handle being around me, then, ***** her!

It was just that attitude that Tina knew had aided in getting them to the place where they were now.

She had been so dismissive of Bettes attempts at pulling them together, of her reaching for Tina, trying to gain a greater insight to Tinas emotions and feelings. She had simply closed Bette out, shut out the one person that she needed the most, the only person in this world that could bring her back from the dangerous precipice that she had been teetering on.

These memories of her behavior towards Bette were sending her into a tail spin. She was standing in the kitchen, tears streaming down her face, looking around her, wishing for Bette. She was beginning to have the same feeling that she had experienced upon learning that Bette had moved away from LA.

She knew that she needed to pull herself together, but without Bette, didnt know how. Her crying took on a force of its own. It was as if her body was attempting to expunge all of these memories, begging for a release from them all. The pain that she felt at the memory of her behavior towards the one woman that she loved more than life itself, was crippling. Her knees started to buckle and she felt herself falling towards the ground. She quickly reached for the counter to steady herself, the tears offering no break though.

Bette she whispered. I need you. Please know that she said to the empty kitchen.

She made her way over to a chair and fell onto it, her body becoming too heavy to hold up on her own. She sat there, allowing herself to cry the tears that she had wanted to for so long.

Baby, please dont leave me she wailed, bent over in pain and emotion, slowly rocking herself back and forth.

She sat there for what seemed to be hours, allowing the emotions to flow through her body, running their own undetermined course. As the tears began to subside, she sat up in the chair that she had been supported by and took a deep breath, trying to allow the oxygen to replenish and cleanse her body.

Feeling that she could now trust her legs, she stood up and walked towards the phone on the counter. After dialing Bettes number and hearing James answer, she quickly hung up, placing the phone back in its cradle.

No she said out loud. Thats not enough. I need to see her, I need to be able to touch her and feel her.

Decision having been made, she quickly turned towards the bedroom and changed her clothes.

She left the apartment, locking the door behind her and made her way to the only person that could help bring Tina back, and, she wished, could begin to forgive her.