"…and then I remember to relax,
And stop trying to hold on to it,
And then it flows through me like rain
 And I can’t feel anything but gratitude
 for every single moment of my stupid little life…"

Alan Ball – American Beauty

Six month ago:

She finally allowed me to touch her, I’m holding her close. We are both on the floor I’m rocking her gently or maybe she’s the one rocking? I can’t tell anymore she stopped crying but I think she’s in shock. I try talking to her again.

"Ashley, baby, can you hear me?" she sniffles but doesn’t answer.

"Ashley?" this time I use my hand to raise her head so I can look into her eyes. She looks so tired and lost… ‘God baby how I wish you could just tell me’

"Oh baby I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to…" I wanted to say bring back bad memories but instead I said "scare you like that…" I wanted to confront her to make her talk about it but I knew it had to come from her…

"I’m o.k." she finally answers her voice is raspy from the screaming.

"I really don’t know what happened to me, I just…" she stops as I look down

"Really don’t like not being in control…" she explains 

‘Why can’t you tell me? Don’t you think I can take it? Don’t you think we can take it?’

"I see…" I said.

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" she suddenly asks ‘WHAT? Why is she suddenly… she needs to take a shower, she feels dirty I made her feel dirty…’ I look down in sorrow. "Hey" she lifts my head back up "you did nothing wrong" she looks sincerely in my eyes as she said that. "I just have to get used to giving up some control to you, and I will" I believe her and I smile with hope ‘she will tell me one day I know she will we can get through this’  

"Are you coming?"  She heads to the shower and I follow her

It took three month until she finally allowed me to enter her. At first she always had to be on top with me pushing into her from underneath. Every time I tried flipping us she would froze up so I stopped trying but eventually she was able to let me be on top only every time she got lost in the moment and closed her eyes, they would snap open after seconds to make sure it was me up there… she didn’t think I noticed it but I did.

Three month ago:

"Why are you crying?" she asked me, breathing hard underneath me, my fingers still deep inside her.

"Nothing…" I answer not even sure she had an orgasm or was faking it. I knew she came when she was making love to me. She grinds herself on my leg or thighs and comes. My orgasm always pushes her over the edge. God I wish I knew how to…

"Baby, what’s wrong?" she tried again.

"It’s nothing really, I just… I’m so in love with you Ash…" I say as I lay next to her

"I love you too…" she kisses my forehead gently.

 

Now it’s tree month later and her "secret" is out only now I have one of my own, maybe not really…

 

Present:

"You knew all this time?" she asks unbelieving.

"Yes Ash, I knew. Every time you cried after we made love, every time you would search for my eyes to make sure it was me touching you, every time you took a shower, I knew why… I knew and I couldn’t tell you I saw what it did to you. how it affected you and i was helpless to do anything about it…" tears are dropping on her cheeks. I don’t know what to do I want to touch her but I don’t think my touch is welcomed right now…

 

After along silence she whispers

"You thought telling me what happened would make me relive what happened to me?" she’s shaking

"Yes…" I answer I sit next to her on the bed. Silent weeping turned into wailing and soon she was hugging me so tightly I soon joined her. Crying for what had happened to her, and me, hoping we can get through it. Are we strong enough? Only time will tell. As they say time heals all wounds…

 

 

 

So, should I write another chapter?

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