Chapter 7: Stalkeratzi

TrojansNotNeeded: I’m not a stalker I swear.

adhasnovds: sure you’re not bradshaw, sure you’re not

TrojansNotNeeded: I just got your email and I figured you were still online. I guessed at your screename.

adhasnovds: guessed huh? hmm…

TrojansNotNeeded: So… how is your affair with scud coming along?

adhasnovds: ahh scud and i are no more. he was too heartbroken after lucy took off. it was too much for him to take.

TrojansNotNeeded: i’m sorry to hear that. but then again, he wasn’t really your type was he Janet? you gay slut you.

adhasnovds: you caught me amy. i was just projecting my insecurities about being so promiscuous and homosexual that i had to project them on to you. i am so very sorry.

TrojansNotNeeded: so anyway… i guess we have to determine who the whale here is.

adhasnovds: nah

adhasnovds: i told you

adhasnovds: that doesnt mean anything here

TrojansNotNeeded: i know, i was just being an idiot trying to say something in order to avoid the awkward IM pause. I hear those are even worse than the actual awkward silences that you can "hear"

adhasnovds: oh but my dear, there are never awkward IM pauses

adhasnovds: however, there are awkWARD ones. there’s a difference. trust me.

TrojansNotNeeded: oh my, those sound serious

adhasnovds: very serious

adhasnovds: like, we’re talking global warming seriousness

adhasnovds: al gore would be frightened

TrojansNotNeeded: my god. the creator of the internet would be wrought with irrational fear? what will we do?

adhasnovds: there’s only one thing to do…

adhasnovds: what that is i really have no idea, but that’s ok. because there’s nothing to fear! like i said, no awkward pauses. not even awkWARD pauses.

TrojansNotNeeded: well then, i dare you to keep the conversation moving oh fearless leader.

TrojansNotNeeded: ask me anything.

adhasnovds: are you really straight?

TrojansNotNeeded: oh wow. i think just choked on my sour punch straw

TrojansNotNeeded: i*

adhasnovds: sorry, do you need me to do the heimlich?

TrojansNotNeeded: no no, I’m fine now. Wow. How do I answer that question…

adhasnovds: you don’t have to, i was just messin with ya

TrojansNotNeeded: I mean, I’m pretty sure I am.

adhasnovds: pretty sure huh? like 60% sure? 85%? or so sure you’re practically deodorant?